tick tock tick tock...my time is running out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i continue to literally "X" out the days on my calendar, specially made to count down until my date of suicide.

    i have "green" date and "yellow" dates and "red" dates. green dates have passes...i'm in the yellow dates and i can see the "red" dates coming closer. the colors basically have to do with how close it is to the date i have planned.

    everything is set (including my method) practice is continuing, Will and Living are done and sent to the right people...even given to my primary care doctor. I have the Living Will to cover the possibilty my method doesn't end my life, but leaves me in a vegetative state. Yes, I'm so convinced I need to die that I'm willing to take that risk that I might fail and end up in a vegetative state.

    i write these details not to "boast" (though I'm not sure "boast" is the word)...I write these details to describe how sure I am that this is coming and is my only option.

    I will NOT be able to convince myself on my own that my life is worth anything...i will not be able to convince myself that i am not a parasite and i will not be able to counter the 20+ years of evidence that has been coming at me unabated that I am a mistake and a worthless sub-human. i cannot describe here all the events, because it is 20+ years worth.

    I will NOT be able to save myself. I need help. BUT...help = danger because of the past 6 months, everything has me absolutely terrified of asking for help. Can't really describe it all here (like I can't describe the past 20+ years)....

    BUT I've been abandoned by doctors and, most devastatingly, by my psychotherapist of 3 years. I was hospitalized in a suicidal state twice, both times forcibly, taken in handcuffs and thrown in the back of the a sheriff's car...and all i was doing was sitting in my home and watching TV...and was no threat to anyone. True I had called a suicide hotline the first time and the second time had earlier in the day told a psychologist that I wanted to die and didn't want to talk to about it...so they came. BUT this "cookie-cutter" and "paint-by-numbers" health care only traumatized me more. In my past, when i was 16, I had received great trauma from handcuffs and the sheriff's deputies in the past months did the same, put me in handcuffs. And then they took me to a hospital. When i was 17 I was hospitalized in a suicidal state and that stay was DEEPLY traumatic...PTSD traumatic, with frightening horrors and abuses and images...and they took me to the hospital in these past few months.

    So I had been abandoned by my psychotherapist, I was already suicidal, had been previously traumatized and in therapist to deal with the trauma caused by previous abuse with handcuffs and hospitalization (among other things) and they only traumatized me EVER more by taking two PTSD events from the past and joining them in one. And then at the hospital, the nurses and doctors treat me like a baby and the nurses outside the room chuckle and say: "What did this guy think? You don't tell a psychologist you are going to commit suicide." And they chuckle again. And the sheriff deputies who took me in literally said to me: "What did you expect to happen? Do you know what happens if you kill yourself and I do nothing? I get sued and lose my house and my car and my family is affected." And this sheriff deputy is some guy who regularly goes on to the local FOX TV station to give road reports and safety tips....so I "get" to see this guy and be reminded of that terrible day each time he comes on tv. (I usually flip off his image on tv and then change the channel).

    And then the psychotherapist abandoned me in a suicidal state gave 3 references and said she'd be available for emergencies. And when i tried to work with the new psychologist, the abandoning psychotherapist will not talk openly with the psychologist why she abandoned me. and eventually the psychotherapist said to the psychologist don't contact me anymore. and the new psychologists tells me: "I'm glad. I hated being in the middle." WHAT!? that is the main reason I went to the new psychologist - to get some answer and some closure about the old psychotherapist and she doesn't want to be in the middle of that?

    I repeatedly tell the old psychotherapist that I don't want to live and she refuses to acknowledge me. I ask her for some help, some way to understand her reasoning...but again she remains silent. I tell her she made the biggest mistake of her life, as a psychotherapist, because she left her patient in a suicidal state. But she didn't like that and decided to have a "no contact order" sent by the court. So she'd rather me die than help. I told her outright that it seems she'd rather me die than help me. But she was mum.

    Then I tried to give my side of the story to the courts, so I wouldn't be weighed down by this court thing on my record for the rest of my life, and the court documents said I needed to either (1) appear in court or (2) "otherwise respond". The psychologist told me it would be better to just give them my response in writing, because it would be too much for me to go to court. I asked the courts if a written response was good enough and if I didn't need to show up. They said I could just give something in writing. BUT then months later, I find they didn't even consider my written testimony, saying "Oh no, you needed to show up." What the heck!!!??

    So now I have that on my record.

    Then made a formal complaint to the State Dept of Health against the abandoning therapist and, after a 3 month investigation, they said there isn't enough evidence to say her conduct was unprofessional. they say, she sent me a termination letter and gave me 3 references and that was all she needed to do. (despite the fact I told her I was suicidal before she terminated therapy and despite the fact she decided to terminate therapy without giving me the slightest sign it was coming - i was 100% blindsided).

    So I stopped going to the psychologist, stopped taking any anti-depressants, stopped everything EXCEPT planning my death. What is the point of any of that, when i've experienced no support?

    Given all this horrifyingly terrible "help", that only solidified everything I was going to therapy for and even traumatized me more and because I am SICK of being ignored and dismissed and laughed at and TREATED LIKE A DELIQUENT by all these people, instead of like a person in deep pain (who was abused (physically, sexually, verbally) and neglected since age 8 (i'm 34 now).........I AM ONLY TERRIFIED of what more pain will come if I ask for help. I WILL NOT go to the HOSPITAL. That was only pain and trauma (PTSD) growing up. So these "cookie-cutter" and "paint-by-number" approaches to helping me ARE ONLY hurting me more.

    I have racked my brain over and over and over and over, trying to find a way to find my self-worth. The evidence of 20+ years of worthlessness ingrained in me in very difficult to smooth out alone.

    But I JUST CANNOT see a way it is safe to openly talk about my feelings to anyone in the real world. I cannot see any safe way at all.

    And given all these months and years that I've come up empty-handed in my search for self-worth, it is just too tiresome.

    I was laying in bed the other night and thinking of EVERYTHING...thinking too of the agony i have each night in sleep (because of night terrors of everything)....I was thinking of all the futile efforts that have come up with no result except for people to dismiss and ignor me in the real world.....that it has made me just EXHAUSTED. You can only keep trying to find your self worth so long, if you just keep coming up empty-handed.

    So I see the dates on my calendar being crossed off...and see how prepared I am. Yes I'm afraid, but there are a lot of things people do despite fear. I mean tons of people have a desperate fear of the dentist, but still go because it's something they need to do. I am afraid of death, and suicide even more. But it is something that NEEDS to be done.

    I am exhausted...just so tired....so so tired.....I am tired of trying. I wish there was help that would be safe.....but I just don't believe it can ever be safe again.

    tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick....tock....tick............tock..............tick...................tock................................................tock.......

    time is running out.

    Cars - Drive Lyrics
    (you tube video)

    Who's gonna tell you when,
    It's too late,
    Who's gonna tell you things,
    Aren't so great.

    You cant go on, thinkin',
    Nothings' wrong, but bye,
    Who's gonna drive you home,

    Who's gonna pick you up,
    When You fall?
    Who's gonna hang it up,
    When you call?

    Who's gonna pay attention,
    To your dreams?
    And who's gonna plug their ears,
    When you scream?

    You can't go on, thinkin'
    Nothings wrong, but bye,
    (who's gonna drive you)
    (who's gonna drive you)
    Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
    (who's gonna drive you home)

    (bye baby)
    (bye baby)
    (bye baby)
    (bye baby)

    Who's gonna hold you down,
    When you shake?
    Who's gonna come around,
    When you break?

    You can't go on, thinkin',
    Nothin's wrong, but bye,
    (Who's gonna drive you)
    (who's gonna drive you)
    Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?
    (who's gonna drive you home)

    Oh, you know you can't go on, thinkin',
    Nothin's wrong,
    (Who's gonna drive you)
    (Who's gonna drive you home)
    Who's gonna drive you home, tonight?

    (bye baby)
    (bye baby)
    (bye baby)​
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2008
  2. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Excuse my french, but your psychotherapists are dead set wankers. Fuck them. Unlike them, the people on this forum are great and will always support you. Therapists are a joke anyway. They can study the mind all they want, but until they have felt a pain similar to their clients, they really can't judge.

    If you need to chat, feel free ... I do seem to scare some people away though :). Otherwise there are plenty of others here who want to help. All the best.

    BTW, you are ALWAYS worth something. Always.
  3. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i appreciate the offer and i'm sure everyone on this forum is supportive. but i'm too far gone for "just talk".

    i need some real life people and, more importantly, some real life experiences to counter the 20+ years of experiences that have told me i am a worthless parasite.

    and it is extremely difficult for me to discount the therapist who abandoned me in the first place, given the 3 years of work together. she was the first to ever treat me like a "human", like i wasn't a deliquent...and i developed and still hold great affection for her. and, in the course of those three years, she expressed a few small small tidbits of her own life's traumas, so i know she had some experience in knowing trauma...maybe not trauma that made her want to be suicidal (i'm not sure)....but anyway the point is....i still have great affection for this particular therapist, despite the fact she abandoned me. and because of that affection it is particularly difficult to discount her.

    i am in serious trouble. i'm in a lose-lose-lose situation: i either (1) do nothing at all and just continue to hold my agony and isolated life or (2) tell someone and get imprisoned in a hospital where so much past trauma developed and get treated like a criminal or a delinquent again that only serves to intensify the trauma (3) end my life. they are all pretty much losing scenarios. and options 1 or 2 only serve to push me toward option 3...so since option 3 (ending my life) is inevitable...there is no reason to continue putting it off....hence the dates on the calender continue to be crossed off.
  4. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    you know...part of me just laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs...

    ....because the seriousness of my situation and how many things have converged to put me in a "lose-lose-lose situation"...where my life is agony, where i cannot just pull myself out of this alone, but too many converging experiences have shown me it is too dangerous to go to people for help because "help" traumatized me more

    ...because all these things seem almost impossible to have converged to put me in this lose-lose-lose situation...

    ....that this would be almost comical if it wasn't so seriously true...

    so the part of me that cannot believe that this has converged so just has to laugh and laugh and laugh....

    but the laughter is not really appropriate because i am going to die...
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