Tick Tock

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by El_, Apr 12, 2007.

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  1. El_

    El_ Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Im a 20 year old male & live in the UK.

    I have visited this site under a few different aliases over the past couple of years seeking support. After these visits i felt i was ready to take upon life again, but i was so so wrong. My last visit was probably over a year ago now.

    Ill begin on Janurary 1st 2007, when i was admitted to hospital for 2 months after feeling very suicidal. Well, hospital was crap. I didn't tell the doctors anything & it ended up in me being discharged (they decided nothing was wrong with me and all that was wrong was i needed to grow up. WTF.) into first a hostel and then a B&B. I didn't want to go back home as i have a lot of issues with my parents, aswell as past abuse (not sexual). However, after 2 weeks of living alone i started to crack and have since moved back home with my parents. Im still jobless, careerless, and benefitless.

    Since jan 07 i have made 3 different attempts to end my life. I have also been arrested or 136'd about 5 or 6 times. Im cracking now. I have taken up cutting my left arm. Drinking alcohol. Smoking tobacco & weed. I dont go to sleep till 8 am and wake at 4pm.

    When i left hospital i had the support of the crisis team. Till before one of our meetings i OD'd and they decided to no longer support me. Since then (3 weeks ago) i have refused all other support of the mental health services including my community psychiatrist.

    The main problems with me right now are depression, loneliness, boredom, frustration and obviously i dont see the point. Before hospital this is how i saw things. "People wont understand me, how do i tell the right people, what will they think?". Well heres how i see things now. People still dont understand me. I tried telling the right people who decided there was nothing wrong. What will they think? Maybe im just attention seeking. Fat lot that attention will do when im in a grave.

    There is something i didn't tell the doctors. About them. About the things that are trying to take over my mind & my body. I didn't tell the doctors because i didn't want them to think i was crazy. Hell, time and time again in the past i have told myself the voices i hear and the figures i see are not real. But you know what? I have started to believe they are real. Oh so very real. They have even at times made attempts to take over my body. I just sit there not being able to move or talk and i really want to scream but nothing comes out. Its like a really bad dream. Like im drugged or something and i have lost all control over my body. Thats why i want to die. These things are pure evil. They want my body to commit evil acts of violence against other people. Against the world. I see them more often now. Usually in the mirror and in the dark. So i sleep with the light on and hide anything with a reflection. They want to destroy all the people i love, the things i love.

    But i wont let it happen. Ill stop them before they can. I am not a bad person. And i wont let them make me one. They are sick. I am beyond help now. I know that. So why am i posting? A cry for help. Human instinct? Who knows. I think im posting with my very last strand of sanity.

    I think i know how to let go. How not to be afraid of dying. Of ending it. I need to accept these things have chosen me. I need to stop asking why, because the answer is simple. Why? Because. When i accept it, i will be free of all worry. And then i can end it. I understand it will take my loved ones longer to understand or accept that i was chosen by these things, but i must not think about them. I must protect them. From me.

    ~ Chosen One ~
     
  2. El_

    El_ Well-Known Member

    I didn't expect a reply. I know how f*cked up it sounds. I didn't expect anyone to know what to say to it, especially if the mental health services concluded there was nothing wrong with me. Now i know the truth. It is real. Its not an illness. These things are real. I am going to destroy them now. I must.

    ~ Chosen One ~
     
  3. Brian1229

    Brian1229 Guest

    I kinda relate. I also want it to be all done. I'm of the mind to just do it tonight and risk not doing it right. I screwed it up once want to make sure this time is done right. Kinda funny I posted on here and didn't get any responses either. I was searching for ways to kill myself and came across this site. I'm thinking if I drink some more I can get the balls to just do it.
     
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