Tick tock.

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I know it's going to happen. There's nothing. Why? Sometimes I think about the pain I will cause all who care to try to convince myself not to. But then I realize they need it. It's coming. No date, no time, no method, it will be random. Now it's just a matter of when I can finish answering. Why? Because I need to prove to myself that HE does not exist. If he exists? Then why? If he is Merciful, then WHY?! Of course there's also the fact that I am simply not a good person. I lie, cheat, steal, cause pain, cause conflict, always assume the worst in people, I can keep going.

Anyway, I was talking to someone and he said I should talk to people. He recommended this site. Not to downgrade you or anything but I doubt you'll make a difference. He says this is a step. I told him that I will do it for him. He's the only one that knows. Know one else suspects.


SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend
Staff Alumni
Welcome to SF rukahsridan! I am sorry that you are feeling in despair and sounds like you are feeling hopeless too.. I know how it is.. and many ppl here do too..

I am sorry you are in such pain.. can you elaborate a little more about it? I m a little confused.. but that is okay.. just need to ask a couple questions.. Yes, I have been there many times, and the ppl you say who care about you, try to convince you not to go through with whatever you plan.. whether random or not?? Can you tell me or us why you think they need it? I have been there many times rukahsridan.. and understand.. I have been very self destructive and not perfect either in my life and realistically (sp?) I shouldn't be here today to tell you this but somehow no matter what..I have tried seriously, I am still here and when I found SF has helped me to make it this far..

Okay, who is HE? Who is HE who exists and you need to prove that HE doesn't? Are you talking about GOD or another being? I don't know..

We are not perfect and will never be on this earth.. So, you lie, cheat, steal, etc.. However, you can change all that with some help.. so, you may not think you are a good person but it could be the depression talking.. are you seeing a psychiatrist or therapist?? We all are not perfect at all.. well, have been there with alot of ppl too.. and here you will find many ppl who can relate to you and help walk you through your pain.. I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't found SF by "accident" believe me.. I hope you will give us a chance to be there for you and lean on us.. It doesn't matter.. we are here to help anybody and we all have many different backgrounds in our life that someone will relate to you.. nobody is perfect at all.. That is the way it is..

Liike I said, I hope you will give us a chance since your friend recommended you to this site. You will be surprised and shocked that many ppl here have walked in your shoes or still are and we can relate to you alot.. I hope you will share more with us.. I know it is difficult.. at first to trust.. I don't trust alot and have been horribly burned and so much more by ppl in my life.. The ppl here are amazing and understand alot... I am glad that you are here and you have made a huge step to reach out to us.. I hope you continue as we are here for you..


They are oblivious. They live their lives every day on the very surface. Maybe my death can wake them up from this stage they're on.

As far as HE is concerned, yes I am talking about GOD. He is suppose to be understanding. He is suppose to be THE creator. Well I do not believe it. And I need to prove to myself that it is not true. I think that people needed to create this myth called God. To find symmetry. In my religion the punishment for suicide is eternal "hell". What a complete sack of utter crap. Why would one go to hell for simply admitting to themselves that they can't. And if he knows everything why can HE not understand that for some it's simply too difficult. Nothing is fair, but at least let us have the choice wether to take this so called "test" or not. That's why I am not putting up with it anymore. I am not living life (not that I ever actually lived). I choose to not be here. Not because I can not take the pain. I lived with the pain all my life. And it gets worse every second. But simply because I have a choice. And I choose to end it.

A couple of days ago I saw my first dead body at the ER. I stared at it. I knew I will be one soon. A corpse. With no meaning, just memories. People will hear my name and they will remember. That's all.

I will not be posting here anymore, I think this was an extremely bad idea. I stopped seeing my therapist a while ago. Believe it or not he said I wouldn't do it. Well we're just going to have to see about that.

I admire you, you're all trying to make a difference, trying to help. At least that's what you think your doing. I have OCD. Some of you know how that it is. All I do is think "what if", "what if". I try not to help others because most of my assumptions are bad like "What if I help this person and he lives to become a rapist." I do not know him, I do not know what they are or what they aren't, so I choose to stay away. I choose not to be part of this. I simply quit. Too much chances of bad. So now, no one will blame me. They will mourn but that will only teach them to live their own lives to the fullest and remember the pain. Farewell.
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