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Time Bomb

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Dec 10, 2010.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So today I was diagnosed with POCS and given a drug that is used for diabetics. My first thought....that will be a good one for suicide. Making sure I have a hypo and die. A nice quiet, painless death. It's weird. I have been thinking about it for so long and that was one of my methods but getting the drugs was going to be a problem. Now, I have been handed them on a plate!

    It's like a ticking bomb is in my bedside table.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    * PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
  3. Akita

    Akita Well-Known Member

    Please don't GoldenPsych!
    They won't kill you, but they will mess up your organs. That won't kill you either. You'll just be in pain for the rest of your life instead! :(
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    don't forget that you don't want to die, you just want the pain to stop. i get it. remember that you have so much to offer this world. think about the program you are in, all the people who are suffering with mental illness that you are helping. they need you. heck, we need you here on this board. you give great advice. you are wanted and you are needed. don't give in to the urges. keep reaching out for support. nothing is inevitable.
  5. Musician

    Musician New Member

    I don't even know you since I just joined this forum, but your life is worth something and you obviously have a lot of people who care about you and a lot of people that you help. Please don't kill yourself.
  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Golden, I know just how tempting it's going to be, but please try to be rational and think about it. As Akita says, they will not kill you, just mess you up and cause you more trouble and pain. And even more importantly, you are too important to leave us. You are a better person than you give yourself credit for. You are needed and wanted more than you know.

    Please keep taking the drugs as they are prescribed, and keep talking to us. We are here to support you as you support so many others.

  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    But they will cause a hypo and would kill me. I haven't got a definate plan at the moment. It's something that was "one of my ways". It's weird that I thought of it as one of my ways and then brushed it aside as didn't see a way I could get the meds. But I have been handed them on a plate.
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    What else did they do? When you got the diagnosis I mean. Did they tell you that there's a connection between this condition and depression? (Also depression with anxiety according to Wikipedia)
    Did they offer any kind of counselling to get you through this life change?
    Did they offer any other treatment plan eg diet and exercise?

    Have you had chance to talk about the implications and consequences for you as a result of this diagnosis?
    By that I mean, what does it mean to you, how have you reacted to the news,
    what are your fears and worries, that sort of thing.
    What are the implications and consequences for you? Would you feel comfortable talking about that?
    Sending lots of hugs xxx
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've had problems for over 3 years now. I got sent for a scan which was normal on the one ovary they could find, but all the blood tests have come back abnormal which highlights it is that. The consultant was amazing. He asked me what I wanted to do and I raised my concerns about not being able to have kids etc and he said it shouldn't be a problem as I am still ovulating it's just irregular.

    The medication, metformin, which I have been put on does something to insulin which is a cause of pcos. So although it isn't licenced for it it will work. He said it should also make it easier for me to lose weight. He knows about the depression etc as he has my hospital files. He made a joke saying I was 26 and have a very thick file and I'm going to be on my second before I am 30. He wasn't offensive or anything just a light hearted way. He was really nice.

    I am concerned about my fertility and I think no matter what they say it will be harder for me to concieve naturally as you can't cure PCOS only treat the symptoms. So it is a worry for me.

    The consultant also said about there being a link between depression and PCOS so he is hoping that it will allieviate some of that. He was really good, he said he didn't want me worrying about gyney stuff as well as everything else and it was what I wanted to do really. He gave me the control which I thought was really good and nice that he actually listened to me!
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Illness aside, it looks like quite a lot of positives have come out of the diagnosis.
    Major cause for celebration is that you liked your consultant. He sounds great too which is really good because you'll feel more trusting
    He's also recognised the link between PCOS and depression and is hoping that the new medication will help alleviate some of the depression. This is fantastic news. If you can link your depression to the illness then you have a better understanding of it. If you have a better understanding, then you have more control. It will be just that bit easier to beat. Knowledge is power, remember.
    Might also help you lose weight. Fantastic again and if you worry about your weight, that's going to help a lot. It will increase self confidence which in turn will help you fight the depression. That's another really good thing.
    Perhaps most importantly, you clearly felt valued during that appointment. The consultant listened to you and explained things to you. You should feel valued, you are valued and you deserve to feel valued. Harness that feeling and hold onto it

    I do want you to think about something that you've put in your post though.
    I am concerned about my fertility and I think no matter what they say it will be harder for me to concieve naturally as you can't cure PCOS only treat the symptoms. So it is a worry for me.
    Do you think this may be a negative behaviour pattern? You immediately think 'worse case scenario' because you're so used to doing that during depression?
    I do this a lot when I'm depressed and I have to force myself to stop it. I have to remind myself that: yes something might turn out badly, but equally it might turn out well. Either way, we have no control so there's no point in thinking about it.
    I want you to think about whether you're just reacting in a negative fashion because of the rest of your post. The appointment was clearly very positive in lots of ways, you, yourself have highlighted several positive sides, particularly how good the consultant was.
    So in light of that, why don't you believe them when they say that it won't affect your fertility?
    It isn't logical to disbelieve them. They know what they're talking about and there's absolutely no reason for them to lie to you. Why don't you accept what they say?
    Have a think about other situations you've been in and if you have a habit of reacting like this. If so, then I think you're succumbing to the negative behaviour pattern.
    Let me know what you think! Plus feel free to ignore everything I've said if you want to.
    Sending hugs,
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It will have some effect though. Most women ovulate once a month and know where in their cycle they are so when comes to trying for a baby they know when the best time is and when they are most fertile. Sometimes I don't ovulate at all and when I do is all over the place. So in that on it's own would mean it could take me longer to concieve naturally.

    I am worried about it but it's not taking over my life. I want kids and have been broody since I was about 13. So I would have thought it would have been a massive deal for me but I am remaining quite calm about it and I know I will just have to deal with it when the time comes. There is nothing I cam do about it now.
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    That doesn't necessarily mean that they'll get pregnant though. It took me six months to get pregnant with my third and, after the first two, I thought I could get pregnant just thinking about it.

    Isn't part of the treatment to stabilize your periods though? If you wanted to get pregnant, surely this would be the first step. Alternatively you might get pregnant the first time you try. You don't know what's going to happen until you try.

    This is precisely the right attitude to take. You've got no control over it so there's no point in worrying about it.
    What I don't understand is why you're thinking of suicide methods if you plan to have kids in the future? Why are you thinking of ways now?
  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't get it either. Maybe that's why I am managing to stay calm about it as I don't think I'll be around long enough to have kids. It's just part of me that's there all the time!
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