. That is why clocks are round, an amusing quote I thought of when making this post. So according to my subscription folder for the threads I made this will be thread 100. Given a few organizational errors, I know I have posted more than 100 threads, but I am pretending I haven't. I will also take this time to say :i'm sorry: I know I have been abusing this in particular forum for throwing out my musings. I know there is a diary section, however, I like to get thoughts and feed back... I just do.. don't know why... I guess it is because I think "Hey if no one is going to see this why bother even posting it? So again I am sorry, my mind is drowning in insecurity. When I get insecure I tend to over think things. Sadly when it comes to this forum it is always bad over thinking :i'm sorry: it has nothing to do with you guys, I just suck at life. The question is where to being where to begin. If anything my time at SF taught me that oo: . When I first joined this forum I was a very jaded person. I would spend a lot of time thinking about why I hate everyone around me, especially females. At the time I was convinced that I would never have females in my life. Well that forum changed that though process quickly. When I met a girl who lived in the same state as me. Who could have thought that individual meeting would turn into something so great and wonderful that I left SF. I found myself happy, I found life worth living. As long as she was in my life, emotionally and phyiscally, life was worth it. Too bad I was too immature for my own good. Had I made one small choice... well I would not be here. Needless to say I would be a boyfriend, officially, not that I wasn't one... enough with the bitterness :no:. It is my fault I am like this. I cannot blame her for what has happened. She showed me that I could enjoy having females in my life. And despite all their complications and annoyances they can make my life good. She made my life good, I want her back into my life. Until I find another that hope will always remain in my heart. Even then, who knows... I cannot say that I do not come to this site hoping to find the same thing I found with her. What I found with her was great and I loved it. I can only hope the same. Right now however I have to become angry again. Another thing I have noticed, I was once angry, now I am sad. I look back at the posts I made in the past and find that back then I was very angry. I was a very I hate the world kind of guy. In some ways I still am. However, my main change in attitude is a woe is me attitude. Not something I am too proud of. However, I guess I am still in withdrawl. I had a lot of chemicals released in my system over these past 3 years... all internal not drugs or anything. These chemicals made me feel happy. Now that I don't have them I feel sad. It is pretty simple really. Again I need to work on turning those feelings of sadness to anger. Life was more tolerable when I was angry. If I hated something I did not want it. However, if I am just sad that brings up a feeling of longing. I need to be hateful again :furious:. Yet at the same time I cannot... :depressed: hatred cured everything back in the day. However, I also know that hatred won't bring me what I want. Hatred is just a lie... a crappy patch... however, I was at least content when I was filled with hatred. I guess my other option is to fake it till I make it. With me it is more a fake it deal. That is something I still do, I fall into my own fantasy world. I have done this for... well close to 13 years now. It was a habit I developed back when I was at my dads. I think that is where depression first manifested itself. Anyway, generally what I would do is borrow themes from video games or animes I was enjoying at the time. Then build a universe around me where I was the hero. The lone tragic hero, with no reason to fight other than I enjoy it. That theme has matured a little. Now the reason why I do battle is because I have no reason to deny others the right to live happily just because I hate existence. Sort of another form of suicide. I throw myself into impossible struggles with the hope of dying. I have tried to create a few original worlds... sadly I cannot get past the basic plot. I have a hard time creating villians and stories and doing character development. I am always fighting or doing something like that. I need to work on that. One thing that I have noticed that has not changed about these fantasies is the fact that I am surrounded by females. I think it is just a male fantasy. I have tons of beautiful women around me who I generally let abuse me. There is a guy here and there... but overall yeah it is women. I generally ignore them and let them abuse me. Every once in a while I throw in one who is obsessed with me. In the past I rejected her, now my character uses her for sex. Pretty jaded view of the world I know. However, I play a dark hero. Anyway enough of that rambling. The reason why I said "Fake it till I make it" is last night I tried losing myself in a fantasy that I found a perfect relationship. I just sort of played that over in my mind. How I met the girl, what our relationship was like all that jazz. It made me feel pretty decent... then again I was moving... so it could have just been the endorphines. Plus "Fake it till I make it" is what everyone on other forums is telling me. I don't know, I spend all my time on forums... what do I have to fake? Plus I also realize that I am too weak to fake it. The foundation of my confidence is so very weak that most any screw up or rejection crashes down whatever confidence I build up. So really the fake it part is just a sign. A poorly drawn sign at that. That gets torn up anytime something goes wrong. What am I to do? Tape it all back together, and try again? You can only tape up something so many times, before it just looks terrible. Plus I hate being fake. Fake makes me sick. I am fake 95% of the time. I hate how I cannot let my actions and thoughts show what they should about me. Speaking of forums, I am not sure if my posting style has imporved or not. I noticed that back in the day, I used to always post points of discussion. I always tried to make things a question. That or I made sure to label them a rant. Back in the day I also double and triple posted to make sure each quote was seen. I don't know, I still love forums. I can be myself... on most of them. Plus I know someone will fall onto my thread eventually. It is a good way to be heard. However, again I am not sure if I have improved or not. After all I do not really post questions here. I post thoughts, that is about it. I just say what is rattling around in my brain and hope for some answers. I am always grateful when I get them. Anyway enough reminising about this stuff. Onto the topic of the thread, how time flows in circles. The gist of it is that I am basically more or less back where I started when I came here. I want to die, even though there was a nice period of bliss. I have made a full circle back to here. Well not a full circle, but an oval. I am probably better off and more mature than when I first came here. Either way it seems that I am back where I started. I thought I had moved forward but in fact I hadn't. Here I am again, wanting to die. Makes me wonder why I even bother. I mean yeah time flows in circles. Which means that in another 20 or so years I might get another chance at happiness. Another 20 years of depression... by then my life will have passed me by. It makes me think what can I do about this? Then I realize there is nothing I can really do about this. People tell me to get CBT, how long do I have to do that? People tell me to just go out there. Problem is I am terrified. People tell me to not give up hope. What hope is there to have? With my time flowing in circles I will not be able to apply what I learned from my most recent experience to anything. After all, who can remember something for 20 years? Which is why I just want to stop the circle. 20 years is too long... hell right now 1 year seems like an eternity. I just want to quit. I am too far behind to make any real changes. Right now things look like I won't even be able to catch up to the kids who are passing me by. I know I have a defeatist attitude. However, when all you experience is defeat it becomes more and more demoralizing. It is like hitting a bruise, it becomes more painful each time. Each time it takes longer for the stinging to go away. That is what I feel when I am defeated. Which is why the circle may continue. Sorry for this long and seemingly pointless post. It is not my fault that we use a base 10 number system and a big round zero came up. Thanks for reading, thanks for your thoughts.