Time for a laugh

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Subject: He got the call - a good one!


    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
    of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
    about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
    Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

    Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
    go up stairs and give him the good news.

    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
    husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

    'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

    He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF PETE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER QUIT BITCHIN' ?????'
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Why Men Wear Earrings

    A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

    The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

    The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

    "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

    His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,

    "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

    "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


    An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Internal Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

    When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

    Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

    Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here? The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go."

  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Ad Slogans

    The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

    The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
    (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

    About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

    The top 10 were:

    10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

    8. Viagra, like a rock !

    7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

    6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

    5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

    2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

    And the unanimous number one slogan:

    1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Cowboy Boots

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."


    "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.


    Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The Taxman Cometh

    At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
    books of a synagogue.

    While he was checking the books he turned to the rabbi, and said, 'I
    notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

    'Good question,' noted the rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to
    the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

    'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
    question had a practical answer.

    But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

    'What about all this bread that you purchase? What do you do with the

    'Ah, yes,' replied the wise old rabbi, realising that the inspector was
    trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and
    send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a
    free box of bread..'

    'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
    the know-it-all rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all
    the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

    'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

    'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
    and about once a year they send us a complete prick!
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