Time for Bed -- A summary of today.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WannaEndit01, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    I woke up determined to kill myself today. Tried twice, quit each time. I am on my fourth week of prozac. I have good reason for wanting to die. I am not depressed and therefore wanting to die. Rather, I have real problems that have caused me to be depressed and want to kill myself.

    So how, will tomorrow be? Suicidal with success? Or will I try to be productive and write my business plan for GE (Very slight chance of funding) and make my proposal for H?????, very slight chance of getting the deal and the technology working.

    In the meantime I have to wait to see if my company will find me a new job or fire me. There are times I hope I get the courage to pull-the-plug so to speak. Other times I pretend that GE and H??? deals have a real chance. Both will take months if they get that far.

    So now I sign off afraid to go to bed. Wondering how suicidal I'll be when I get up.

    Good night.
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    We will still be here trying to help you. I hope both of business plans out very well for you and become very successful.

    Take Care
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am sorry yesterday was such a difficult day for you, but you made it safely :) We will be here if you need us today, be proud of yourself and be proud of who you are because you have fought hard to get where you are. I hope you wake up in a better frame of mind.
  4. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    Woke up depressed. Took shower and now I am doing little better. Went and looked at my test results for the H???? project. Honestly they show some potential. I am going to add two pictures here. They probably won't make sense but I will try to explain.

    In the first picture there are three images. The all blue with no red is a cluster of cancer cells from a pap smear. The second picture is a profile of the inner most cluster area made from the first picture. The third picture is the profile overlaid on top the first image.

    Once created this profile is then used to find other cancer clusters having the same core cluster profile. The second picture is a match from the first profile. Another words the red profile was used to find and match the other cluster below on a slide.

    So that's what I working on. Just thought I would share my results. Oh yea. The match is a lose match. Which means the profiles are not identical, the matched one loosely matches the first.


  5. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    had shower and food high from 8:00 ish to 11:00. Now crashing quickly. Probably try to kill myself, again, by 3:00. Which really sucks, cause I was getting somewhere. I am gonna try working on the H Proposal and see if I can stop the crash.
  6. woodshed

    woodshed Member

    Great chatting with you tonight! Your photos are fascinating. I hope you can stay with the work, and with us....
  7. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    10:20 not suicide attempts today.
  8. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I really like your idea. I think you have a very good proposal. I really want to more about how it all turns out.
  9. WannaEndit01

    WannaEndit01 Well-Known Member

    11:47 am Friday. The prozac has taken effect in that I can't lie down and cycle any more. Now I see my issues head on. But I can't get the emotional suicide thing going. which kinda sucks. Because as I look at the issues in front of me Suicide is the best option. I don't think I can even attempt suicide in this state. Woes me.
  10. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    The last thing you want to do is dwell upon these feelings. I personally have found that when I am feeling down/suicidal; the best thing for me to do is go outside and do some sort of physical activity. If you are unable to outside, maybe a distraction like a crossword puzzle or a sudoku puzzle would help distract you.
    Petal likes this.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Try reading something soothing, it's hard to focus on your bad thoughts while concentrating on reading, I think you are very strong to have made it this far. Well done you. Keep fighting the fight, there's always another way :)