Time for my story?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Khloe, Oct 13, 2010.

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  1. Khloe

    Khloe Well-Known Member

    Probably my turn to tell my story, however hard it may be..

    I'm 20, female and from a little town near London, england.
    I live with my mum, and my little sister.
    My mum and dad got divorced when i was 14, and ever since, i've hardly really seen my dad. We never seemed to get on, and tbh i don't have a solid real reason for that. We never did things daddys and their daughters do, he never sat and did my homework with me, he never took me to the park, and he deffinately never gave me a cuddle or told me he loved me.
    My relationship with my mum is ok, she has her own life, and i have mine i guess. Same with my sister.

    For 6 years i've self harmed. I can go maybe a month or 6 weeks without cutting, but then something will happen, and i'll do it again.
    I have dreams, really disturbing bad dreams. Of my dad raping me. They're not every night, or every week, but i always have them. I've probably had them since i was about 10 years old (thats as far back as i can remember), and in the dreams he's always doing something sexual with me, i know that sounds disgusting and disturbed, but its true. The latest dream i had which involved him, was me and him getting married, and my mum comforting me as he ran away afterwards.
    I've told myself they're just dreams. and they'll go away.
    I've never thought why, or how, or what they mean. As i don't remember anything that could have any relevence to these dreams.
    But they're starting to affect everything about my life.

    I'm on anti depressents, and i'm unemployed. I lack all motivation, and i very rarely go out anymore. Maybe once a week i'll leave my house? Sometimes it can be longer, it just depends. I'm paranoid of people talking about me, or looking at me, and i'm scared of alot of things, where as i feel safe indoors.

    I'm a lesbian, and been single about 4 months now.
    I was with my ex girlfriend a year and a half, and we ended on really bad terms, i think since then, thats when i've gotten worse.

    Although i've never really had suicidal thoughts, many a time i've wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else, but here. And often wondered what affect it would have on certain people if i really did just dissapear, would they notice? how long woulf it take for them to move on?

    Also, tonight, i've kinda fallen out with a close friend, somebody i care about. He thinks i think the worst of him :( and i don't. I just get paranoid, and jump to conclusions, way too much of the time. I really hope i haven't lost him for good, he's way too special.

  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hey khloe it sounds like youre really going through some stuff here,but you came to the right forum,it could well be the anti depressants youre on are doing these things to you are you able to change them and how long have you been on these pills
    please dont dissapear people care for you even if you cant see it yet
    your close friend hell come round he needs you like you need him so give him a call let him know whats going on in your mind,and if hes a good friend hell understand
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    :arms: keep talking hun. it 's hard but it does help. as for your friend, yes give him a call. tell him exactly what you sahid here "I just get paranoid, and jump to conclusions, way too much of the time. I really hope i haven't lost him for good, he's way too special." I think he'll understand if you give him the chance. xo
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