time is ticking

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marche, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. marche

    marche Member

    you know for a long time ive wanted to die but my reasons weren't good enough.these days they are.

    when i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis it didnt hurt me and recently found out i have lumps in my breast an there not sure what they are my doc saw me for a small fee i was billed i kept working at the time cause i had a reason ,my daughter then my daughter had a baby and at the time i thought a decent boyfriend but tables turned fast on me,now i've lost my apt my job my daughter chose a piece of ass over her mother and so im not asked her shes 16 doesnt live with me she move 10 states away ,i went with her to the current state she lives in thinking wow a change no stress ill start over happy days ,wrong so wrong i walked into a trap the family which made it sound like hey will help you since you dont know anyone here blah blah so i believed my daughters boyfriends family despite people telling me they could turn into pyschos ,now i dont know if everyone knows that MS doesnt do good in extreme heat or under pressure i had to ride a bike in about 105 degrees weather searching for a job i was getting yelled at every chance they could get i barely ate but maybe 3 meals a week i went down at 117 pounds came home to 92 in a month couldnt barely pick up a shopping bag my bestfriend took m me in when i arrived home but that lasted a month her landlady was demanding money (her landlady is a pill addict so connect the dots) then i moved to my other friends house an had to leave and now im at my parents house which within this whole time im going thru a relaspe no medical no medications because the state is fighting me on it dont know why but whatever ,im fighting for my disability since i can stand for long periods or even sit for long times and the pain sucks,now i know many questions will be asked like why not turn to your family well my family they joke about everything so no my bestfriend knows im hurt but i try not to burden her cause she has alot going on too,see i did think of my daughter an do daily but what put the wheels into further motion is her telling a friend she was pretending to be happy for a long time around me,so with thanksgiving coming up an xmas and me not having a penny to my name and believe me theres still loads going on that i havent written ,let me say this i worked hard thru relaspes did things for extra money to make sure she got everything i never had which i never asked for anything back but a happy kid she wasnt a bad kid she was helpfull she went to school didnt do drugs didnt drink we barely had our tiny spats ,and now im battered with stress knowing that there messing with her in a way thats screwed up like suttle hints of stuff btw we talk still but i can tell shes pushing me further away so lets see what i dont have

    good health
    my daughter
    my grandkid
    my own place
    money
    a will to live

    im past going to a therapist or going on a hotline cause i know id end up in a hospital or on "mood pills" but figured this much if im denied my disabilty this time im goin out the quiet way ive been heavily thinking about it 24/7 and now i think its time for me to stop yapping an daydreaming about suicide and actually do one thing im able to do thats the only thing noone can take away from me,my writting might be confusing well im lucky i got half of this out my memory track is going but feel free to comment not that its going to change what im feeling or thinking but i never stop anyone from there opinions and thoughts
     
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time. To be honest, I really think that you need to go into hospital and you need the medication that they'll give you.
    You just have too much stress in your life right now to deal with it on your own. Going into hospital will give you some breathing space. You won't have to worry about where you're living, you'll be given a nutritional diet and they'll sort out (as much as possible) the MS and the lumps in your breast as well as your mental health issues.
    Plus the govt won't be able to argue the disability if you've ended up in hospital as a result of it.
    Try not to worry about your daughter too much, she'll soon realise that she needs her mother and she'll need you to be there when she does.
    Sending hugs,
    xxx
     
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi marche..i can't offer advice because it's too close 'to home' for me ...I too don't have
    good health
    my children
    my grandkids
    my own place
    money
    a will to live
    just wanted you to know I understand how you must feel but I don't want you to give up though..
    catherine has some good advice..I hope you'll consider it..*hug*
     
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