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Time nearing

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hache, Nov 2, 2012.

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  1. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Went abroad, was meant to be for a while, messed up employment opportunity, travelled a bit instead, money ran out before I could find a job, had to come home, moved back in with parents, almost 25, penniless, no friends, no independence, no job, on the dole for nearly 2 months, nothing happening.

    Failed at this adulthood thing, no relationships, worthless to society, no belonging, no career, no future.

    Expected to apply for this job that has come up. In a place I know is an utter utter dump, to think I have lost these opportunities in beautiful foreign destinations to end up in one of the worst places in England.

    I am getting nearer the edge. It's coming.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    A set back - even a major one - does not mean the end of the line. Do what you need to do for a few months or a year, reflect on what you might have done differently to gain better result last time and make a plan to try again. The planning and self reflection can help distract from the exact current situation and give something to work towards...

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member


    i did not know you had gone "abroad" (yes, that can be expensive but important even with an early return back)

    you have another list of things that you changed over time that are not failures just part of living... you graduated from school at a difficult time in the area you live...

    i know why you are afraid of the job that came up because you truly look at things and weight them well with understanding and you look at everything about them... so what you're saying about the job i truly believe to be true

    i have already said i dont think traveling is over for you.... but i still think you need opertunities and you need to wait for them...

    you are going to go further no matter what and not over some edge you find in front of you... if you see it go around it and find another way to be at peace with yourself

    this is a time where when you have a chance make sure you work on how you are feeling about yourself... for everything that is bad its because its happening to a very good person... try to remember none of this is anything caused by you or how you feel... all of this is external and we can hope it will change

    of course, i am wishing you see all this i am saying and hang in for you have much to offer hidden where you are now

    best friends
  4. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    One of the problems is life is not in my hands, my future is not in my hands. In the past I could make decisions like going to university, going abroad, now what, there are no options, I'm broke, I'm unable to find a job never mind a worthy job, I'm not on the bottom if the ladder I don't even know where the ladder is.

    I need to get a good job somewhere so I can live and start a life, but it's not happening, youth unemployment is high, I have no experience, I'm going to end up in a minimum wage job, maybe forever, maybe I will become part of the lost generation.

    I don't know where I'm going and I don't have a choice.

  5. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    oh i know you're feeling like you're not getting any where and you are trying to let me know

    some of the stuff you said is external "youth unemployment is high" good example of you seeing the uncontrolable nature of it all

    i remember a time when you couldn't go to university... and you were working on learning from where you are physically at now on your own by yourself.... no university

    and then there was university and you went as you needed to go

    now you are experience and have time and have looked back with knowledge.... and know nothing is going to happen over night and that we must get that who are outside of you

    you are at a low and i see that and think of you

    please think of how not having money hasn't stopped you as much because people know you tried.... i wish there was someway to make it different... i think as i write

    i remember at times you were good with money and its been a while since you mentioned it... (but like most people you have had times when you werent so good with money)

    i would think that money for you is a random issue

    its only the mid part of the weekend and there isnt much you can do til monday but say hi to people like me

    i wish you well
    stay safe
  6. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Money isn't an issue in the sense of survival and paying bills like other unfortunate people might be in. My parents are a safety net and I am fortunate for that.

    But money is an issue in that I can't go anywhere, do anything, I can't buy things that may elevate my mood, I only own one pair of worn out jeans, I can't go and buy a new pair to raise my self value because I have no income. That may sound trivial and pathetic but looking like shit is having a negative effect in my mind when I go outside.

    I sold my car to fund moving abroad, now I have no money and no car, or as I like to think no assets. A minimum wage job isn't going to lead me to getting a car of the same quality or even one at all.

    These are all things that are part of a bigger picture, low self worth, low self esteem, a lack of achievement, a lack of success, a lack of social progression.

    My life has no meaning.

    It's almost like I put everything, from money to mental goal on one horse and that horse tripped at the first hurdle and fell at the second and cannot finish the race, now like the losing gambler I have nothing but dejection, I have lost too much and have nothing left to gamble with.
  7. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    i am trying to understand it all and i already knew it would be complex for you

    seems a lot of luck has gone into the safety net... moving abroad is a difficult thing to do and selling your car is an idea you followed through on... many people do make it to other places so here you have your more realistic side making future decisions... i understand very well that its hard to get a nice car but from my own prespective which doesnt help you

    "my life has no meaning." not going to know what to say here.... it seems a saying mostly.... since you'd have take time to define meaning

    meaning you would take the time as i know you would and can see by your writing you would....

    you are thoughtful

    i am basing my belief that being understanding of yourself might help you to like yourself and befriend yourself for making mistakes and being human.... you worked towards something you wanted and made decisions all good things

    and back to you couldnt see what was coming ahead... thats human... and i cant go through the metiphor about racing.... not in my understanding that future of tripping or falling cause thats the complex part of your story

    ok dejection can lead to futher interspection but not of the good kind

    forgive yourself would be great
    befriend yourself is necessary to work to survive this
    or let your friends care about you and explain that what you are is still important to a number of people
    its good to have a safety net.... that means something even if its quiet
    its good to have friends and i am a friend and want to see you through this

    so i write not completely understanding but hoping
    away your friend
  8. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    I don't have any friends anymore :( only on the Internet

    If only I had intimacy, I believe it would provide motivation and support, instead the loneliness overwhelms me and makes me incapable of achieving. The lack of interaction and the lack of activity is making my mind think too much to compensate for what it no longer has to do in the external environment where all I do is sit at a computer alone for days on end.

    I could do with a therapist but I can't afford one, ha, I could get one through e government but I will be on a long waiting list so there isn't any point.
  9. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate to your situation. I'm 22 years old, no job, moved back home with my parents close to a year ago now and nothing seems to be working out. My relationships with other people are on the decline because my trust has been broken so many times it's unreal. I often feel worthless to society, but everyone's got at least a couple things going for them.
    I have no schooling under my belt, so I'm definitely looking at a minimum wage job for potentially the rest of my life. Some days I care and some, none at all. At least you've got a roof over your head, you've got a one-up one some people of society. So what if you have to work a shitty job until you get back on your feet, a job is a job, not everyone loves what they do that's for sure. Start making small changes here and there, after a while they're going to add up. Sometimes you need to take life in baby steps, not leaps and bounds and there's really nothing wrong with that.
  10. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    That's true. But after uni I was unemployed for 6 months, then I worked minimum wage for 6 months, paid to have someone find me a job abroad so I could try and get some experience that be worth something to a graduate employer because minimum wage isn't going to help that. So I left the country for this job and it sharp turned out to be dodgy so I quit and travelled a bit trying to find another job before coming home because the money ran out.

    Everyone in the family is successful except me. They've all made careers, all made money, but then they were all better than me at school, they all went to better universities, they all did placements. What do I have? My minimum wage experience isn't even good enough to get on e ladder they got on. Hundreds of thousands graduate in the UK every year, every year I'm competing with new grads skipping out of college with shiny grades and little relative experiences to show employers, I have nothing, I missed that boat and the opportunity has gone. Huge gaps in employment doesn't look good but there's nothing I can do about that. The economy isn't growing, only when businesses grow do they take on graduates to build their new business fields, they're not growing, those that are get to pick the best from hundreds of applications and I am simply not one of the best.

    The reality is I've missed the boat for good. This country is broken as it was in the 80s and it isnt going to be fixed for at least a decade. It's difficult to accept that I will never be as good as they promised, that I will never be as good as family, that I have underachieved massively and now I am miles behind. It's not that it is minimum wage exactly, but rather that it is minimum wage with no career opportunities, the only jobs are temporary shelf stacking. I've forgotten everything I learned at universi anyway it has been that long.

    I was sold the dream by the government, by society, this notion that you have to go to university to get a good job, they sold me it, I bought it for £24000 and now they tell me it's not enough anymore! Anyone that knows salespeople knows they are full of bullshit in order to get that sale. This is what has happened to me. When I went to the job centre they have a list of vacancies, they have loads of apprenticeship positions with the kind of title I should have as a graduate at the bottom of the ladder, but these positions are for 17 year olds and it is obvious why, they can pay 17 year olds well below the minimum wage for a 21 year old, capitalist private sector businesses don't miss a trick.

    I can't live with my parents anymore, I have no independence, live in a crap suburban area miles away from social life. I need to be free and I need to be in love. I don't have any friends at all, not even 1, not here, I need to get out of here, it's an open prison. This is putting a lot of strain on the job situation, if all I can get is a shelf stacking job in a local supermarket I am never getting out of here, I'm losing my youth
  11. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member


    again i need to say start by befriending yourself as some of these words are almost anger at yourself for falling in line... then comparing yourself to others

    i know your family has successful people from before you went to college (i also know they dont understand you most of the time)

    then you rightfully go into that you were sold something that doesnt really exist but you started in a different degree like most people do and switched majors to a less risky degree for getting jobs in the future... your father stopped in his life to get a chance to see you needed help just getting started in school so your change even in a bad (less known) college was an attempt to do right by you (and for everyone else close to you) i would think your safety net understands that but without them stating it outright you will never be sure how they measured everything that has transpired

    i am totally against you having to say that the suburbs have no one like you... you are totally hidden there and dont go out to be counted... i am thinking that hidden in the suburbs is sons, daughters, grandchildren, cousins, nieces and nefews... that you know nothing about because they too are without money or people to talk to about what has become of them because they had to take help that set them sitting just like you in limbo unable to befriend themselves because they too feel so horrible about how it all ended up.. i just cant believe you are the only one sitting there...

    ok i am an internet friend but you have told me things you would never have gotten to tell friends and still keep these friends... cause with friends they need you playing games, watching moves, talking about current events, and drinking a little... (basiclly you might even be faced with having to eat some sort of meal with friends that you dont have to do with me?) i allow you to just tell me what you feel like telling me and for me to unravel just how complex things have become slowly drawing you out

    best friends do that after knowing you for 5 years off and on at your worse i found you listened more to my problems then presented your own (even though those days you warned me you were a little negative about your life outside of this site)

    17 to 21 is 4 years.... later that time you gain beyond a 17 year old will amaze you when you can have friends and girlfriends so much younger and older then you... you could go to that minium wage job and find people your age or so much older (like me) and find that those young people you talk about cant get the jobs they used to get without experience.. this is not an economy were people dont take Christmas jobs just to get along ... then get fired right after Christmas

    School isnt about remember what you did... employers may not be sold on what is taught in school anyhow... they are more concerned on do you finish what you start and are you willing to do things their way forgetting the stuff that got you good grades in school cause you were good at repeating that stuff back to an instructor... you may find your managers refreshed at your humbleness and frankness more then your schooling

    first, though i am not sure if you can protray humbleness yet since you are hurting so much you need to at least respect yourself enough to survive this all

    in internet friendness
    best friends really

    ps. i know with the computer you are using you cant talk for long times at all to me in chat... i get that.. but get that i dont post cause i have a fear of posting... but you know i will if i feel its right for you and me.... i cant spell i feel scared with long replies in forum... but i will and i have cause i wont give up on you being even isolated here... this here is an added reminder i came back into write you
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2012
  12. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    It's almost eerie how much your situation reminds me of myself.
    I don't even have a high school education (failed) and I haven't had a job in almost a year, I know how bleak the future can look in situations like yours. A lot of the time I feel the same despair about my future as you do, I feel like there's nowhere to go but down and the rest of my family are being successful; my little sister is almost done her first year in university, is employed and drives, me? Nothing.
    I'm not sure how to make you feel any better about your situation as I'm in a similar position and often get really depressed about it. The things I think about to make myself feel better is the fact that I have quite a few friends that have gone back to school and started a new career at 30 years old and had it work out. It is possible, but there's no denying that it's a tough road to go down, but it is achievable.
    Also, finding a relationship; someone to love, is a lot easier to do when you're comfortable with yourself. A lot of the time when you self-loathe other people pick up on that and can be turned off from you. Nothing makes someone seem desireable like self-confidence, even if life isn't exactly going to plan, hold your head up high. There are very few people who can say their life turned out exactly the way they had planned, because life isn't a straightforward timeline, you've gotta endure setbacks to get to the good parts. If life was easy I'm sure this forum wouldn't exist because everyone would be happy and sucessful, but that's a very unrealistic position to look at life from. Life is full of challenges and the more you overcome the stronger you will be in the end, just have the strength to pull through.
    If anything, I hope my post at least made you feel like you're not alone, our situations are really similar so I totally understand your hopelessness towards life. I hope life turns positive for the both of us, sooner rather than later.
  13. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Thanks Suzy and alyssaswoon :)

    Maybe we are concentrating a lot on what hasn't happened. The major trigger is that I've lost things and opportunities for that to happen. When I close my eyes and remember good moments it is a bad trigger. Remembering when I was almost there, when I was on the path, when I wasn't alone, when I wasn't stuck in doors. The fear of never getting it back is too much, it kicks off anxiety. Even seeing beautiful people on TV, happy people, people with social lives, even if characters, it triggers. I go outside once, maybe twice every two weeks.

    It would be easy to say you need to go outside, go do this, that. Join a club etc. But if I could I would, that's why I need a therapist to put me back together, to make me capable of filling my life.
  14. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    No problem man! :)
    I've had so many people (mostly my parents/family) telling me it's easy to go out and do things, when for me, it really isn't. I have bad anxiety, OCD and depression, sometimes even thinking about going outside around other people is enough to give me a panic attack. Honestly, sometimes therapy is the only way to help you get on with your life, I know it's necessary for me. Before I started seeing a therapist I wouldn't leave my house for weeks at a time (really I only left when I had a doctor/therapy appointment), years later I'm much better off because of the things I learned in therapy.
    I hope you can find your way to see a therapist soon, everyone needs a little help sometimes, nothing wrong with it.
  15. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    hi Hache

    i dont think i was asking you to get out more.... befriending yourself isnt about that

    of course, i knew you wanted a therapist and did not say anything really about that part of your wants and needs

    i also know why they hirer younger people to stock shelves and there are many you can only check online to find out what happens in that sort of job you wouldnt expect and why they hirer so young for it.... so i assumed once you knew you would get the word out that you researched it and you could see by only a small search what was up with that kind of avenue

    never have i known or expected what your family would do to enlighten you as to their thoughts... again after a few assumptions on my part i let it drop

    as for sleep and eating i knew you were up to having to figure that out just to survive this all

    you would someday go back to yourself start listing the richness in you beyond the poorness around you

    it only takes a little bit of feeling bad to put the goodness away for a while... i just didnt want it to always be a long while before you are again aware of the goodness

    you need your goodness now not later
    best friends
  16. SamCollit

    SamCollit Member

    i really really feel for you, im clever, funny, good at my job, but still fail time and time again with my personal relations and my current job is pushing me to the edge, i just want to let go, ill have you in my thoughts in really will.

    take care of yourself, try and hold on,i think its worth doing, at least i hope so

  17. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Hope is probably the key word of life. Things have never been perfect and never will, we always want more, but it becomes bearable through hope, I have none left in my tank. I don't have a shred of hope to hang onto. People around me tell me to hang on in the job hunt and something will come, but I find this to be false and devoid of reality. Some may call my attitude negative or defeatist but to me these terms don't scratch the surface of what is real. The problems have gone much deeper than they should have been allowed to.

    I am on the brink of a bad breakdown happening, the longer I am trapped in here the closer the screams in my mind become external. I've noticed my outer body has began to shut down, my brain has been losing power over the ability to move, will power that is, it comes and goes, sometimes I can just freeze in positions unable to come up with enough will power to move. There are many hours in the day so it comes and goes. It has its triggers.

    I need a new adventure, a new dream, a new hope. I need one fast, it is probably time to put all this into writing in preparation for the breakdown so they know after what happened and so they know they couldn't have done anything, this is just how it has played out.
  18. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    not sure why this has to go this way

    yes, i am going to say hang on... the realistic part of me says to say that cause things change

    but you state that most things are breaking down for you... body soul and sometimes mind

    but you think you should write it all out.... showing others they really couldnt change (ie control) whats happening... leading me to believe that if you gained control of this you will survive

    and surviving is a good way of hanging on.

    one day you will walk out of your room... you will walk through the hall of the house... you will walk to the kitchen... and you will feel like the sameness is conforting .... someone other then you will speak and for a moment you will not be quiet but you will speak back as if it is the most natural thing to do....

    you are close to harm but i want you closer to seeing yourself able to do some simple stuff..

    okay go ahead and write but these are the people who raised you and they are very quiet as well. worth and dignaty both you and them

    though they are human and they cant not read your mind as much as you cant read they're mind.. you are apart in this way

    Hache, you cant know what others are thinking. not even me

    bless the world and take a moment to yourself

    but dont let this happen as much as the break down is not in your control you have the control to yet again move past this slowly and intentally...

    my thoughts are still with you
  19. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    keep trying buddy. we love you here.
  20. Hache

    Hache Well-Known Member

    Hi, thank you.

    The latest is I am finding those who know me and those who don't (via media) just don't understand how much weight the situation is and how lost opportunity is a great burden.

    I'm not wanted and accepted by society. There is anger at my unwillingness to take any job. There is no understanding of why, they don't accept it as valid.

    I have failed terribly and they don't know that this needs precise psychological treatment.

    I am too alone and weak to get what I need so I will always be depressed, what life is it to be enslaved to your own mind, shackled by your own incompetence for which you have no tool to break.
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