Time To Get Off

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ozinuk, Apr 19, 2009.

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  1. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    People are on this forum for many different reasons BUT basically we are for a single goal to end what we call this life.

    To me we are on a journey a bit like a train ride all heading in the same direction all heading for our own piece of peace and like passengers on that train we all get off at different stops. Some may choose to leave the train early and there are others that will see the journey through to the final destination. I am not staying on this train my station is near.

    It has been so long now since I could make sense my life so long in fact I can't remember when that was and I am now asking myself was my life any different than it was now maybe that's it maybe the only thing that has really changed about me is my age.

    I'm tired of this journey now I've been looking out of the same window at the same scenery for too long and it's time to get off, I've taken up this seat for too long now the people I've known have gone or I don't recognise them any more and when I look at my reflection it's of a person I done recognise. The train won't stop unless the conductor is asked so now I'm asking because I desperately want to get off at the next stop. :stop:
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know you feel like you've reached the end, like there's nothing left for you. But the scenery doesn't have to be the same forever. You can start over, rebuild your life into what you want it to be.

    I understand you aren't ready to trust a professional; but please, keep talking here, keep fighting. You don't have to fight alone.
  3. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Too late for that now, I've tried and tried to justify my existence but come up with the same answer. I spoke to my wife (who to be fair has put up with me for the past 10yrs) in a hope I may find an answer gave me one "It's simple snap out of it, you need to get out there and get over it instead of locking yourself away and feeling sorry for yourself" how could I find an answer to that I wasn't asking for sympathy but something constructive some understanding. I should have expected that especially after her broken promise once again that's where trust get you NOWHERE.

    Thanks all, everyone here has been a grounding point a place to talk and a place to listen.
    I only need to fall 12"
  4. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    hey there.. sorry that u have been having such a tough time.

    probably ur wife was stressed too and only meant for u to move forward. it is soo easy to lose ourselves inside our mind more so when we feel so low. and sometimes even just taking a walk out n drinking the sunshine helps lift the fog off.. that was what she meant?

    unfortunately or fortunately it is left only to our own selves to pull ourselves back up. and i beleivethat all of us have that courage in us. just left for us to rework priorities and put the 'ME' on top for a while

    hope u reconsider ur decision to off ur life. u can actually stay on and support someone else here ya know..

    take care
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I'm sorry she reacted that way. It's sad that so many people out there think you can just "snap out of it." If only it was that simple.

    I know you feel like you're being let down over and over again by people that are supposed to be there for you. I won't say that I know what you're going through because everyone's situation is different, but I know it's got to hurt, and it's got to make you feel like you can't go on anymore.

    But you can. You can fight your way through this. Your life is worth fighting for, even if you're at a point now where you don't feel that way. So please try to keep holding on.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....i'm also sorry your wife is so unsupportive. unfortunately, so many of our spouses, partners, family and friends in real life, do not understand depression, mental health issues, addictions, or suicidal urges.

    it is why many of us, end up on s.f.

    here we do understand. and we all know on some level, exactly how you feel. and you cannot 'snap out of it'.

    i hope you stay, and try to find support here. lean on us until you do reach a better place. i believe it is possible, it did happen to me. i still have days that i struggle, but i also believe it is worth, holding on.

    pm if you want to talk , and know that we care about you ...:console:
  7. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I would love to be able to talk to you some time. I remember your posts from a long time ago. Using your anology i'd say my journey hasn't been long in the scheme of things but it's been nothing but crap. Maybe you have a thing or two to tell me. Whatever happens I feel for you but hang on longer.
  8. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I've just been informed by the Mod that because I served in the Australian Army I'm am not eligible for treatment under the reciprocating deal for post traumatic stress disorder........hmmm well if I cared that might be a problem but I applied for it 12 months ago 30 april last year. Why aren't I surprised by this it goes to show that care isn't a part of their nature ah well another trusted authority lets me down BUT they did say I was still eligible in Australia. Speaks volumes. That's why my future is planned.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Wow, they suck. They make you wait a year only to tell you something like that.

    Could you move back to Australia? You seem so unhappy where you are now, and people have let you down and mistreated you left and right. Would your family help you if you decided to move back? I get the impression that you could truly be happy if you went back there, and you deserve happiness.
  10. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid unlike my wife I keep my promises regarless of what they are, if I were to packup and leave I would be no better than those who have let me down and besides my conscience would never allow me to live with that guilt, why have standards if you're not prepared to live by them as well, a hypocrite I am not. I would not have gone to the counsellor any way there's no hope for me now anyway I deserve the way I feel and I'm resigned to the inevitable.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I agree that you have to have standards, and from reading your posts, I can tell that you do. But you've been hurt, betrayed, and lied to ... all things you didn't deserve! I could be way off, but I get the feeling that you don't have anything in the way of happiness where you are right now. And you deserve to be happy. Moving to a place that would make you happy wouldn't turn you into a hypocrite; you aren't a hypocrite, and that's obvious just by the things you say on here.

    There is still hope for you. And you don't deserve to feel the way you do, but I'm curious why you think you do deserve it.

    I'm also curious ... would you be happy if you COULD move back to Australia? Nobody can tell you what to do or what not to do, because it's not our decision; but please don't close the door on your options, on your hope for happiness. It's out there, and you can find it.
  12. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Spoke to a Chaplin today (rang home) regarding arrangements and details in the event anything should happen. I explained the betrayal issue and the refusal for by the MoD for a PTSD counsellor, he was appalled that these things happen and nobody is held accountable, he's the old army Chaplin, I've known him for years and he's buried a lot of my friends so I thought I'd prepare him if anything should happen. Forewarned is for armed.
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I really hope it doesn't get to that point, that before it does you're willing to try and give someone a chance to help you. I know you're in a place right now where you feel that everyone is going to let you down, but there are people out there who won't.
  14. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    just over 12 months ago I was in the same state and as a result I tried to od my wife found me and i spent the next 10 weeks in a hospital on suicide watch. Why won't they let me go why do they have to interfere I have just found out my wife is off to india for a week and is leaving me to deal with her 2 children I will take full advantage of the time alone that way there'll be no interference or interruption. This is the hypocrisy of it all she can say no to me but not to her job. I am constantly an after thought, someone in the back ground in all aspects of my life here here at home, at work and on this forum.
    It is the way it is. Come sunday with a little help I hope it's over and done with.
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Are your wife's kids young, like where you'll have to take care of them? Or are they grown? If they're adults, you shouldn't even have to deal with them.

    I'm sorry your wife doesn't take your feelings into consideration. It's not fair, and you don't deserve that.

    Can I ask why you see yourself as an afterthought or in the background on this forum?

    I want to try and help you, and I'm pretty sure there are others who do too. I know we can't take all your pain away, but we can offer you friendship ... people that truly care about you. Please don't let yourself go through this alone, let someone in to be there for you.
  16. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    They are 24yr f and 22yr m, (step children) they both detest me and on a regular basis the 24yr old calls me things like loony, mentalist, crackpot, psycho, pathetic and the list goes on and the 22yr old tried to do the same one day and I knocked him to the ground, if he did it again I would have no qualms in doing him in. The constant belittling and harassment has put me on a knife edge on my guard and I don't know who I'll respond to her call me these things while their mother is away.

    I am going through this alone as as I am alone that is how it is that is how it's always been on my own. I'm going to take advantage of her absence she'll be in for a shock when she gets home. Then she'll know what it's like to be alone in a house of people.
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Is there any way you can avoid them while she's away? Lock the door (or do they have a key to get in)? She shouldn't even want them around if they're treating you that way. I know personally, if I was with someone, and my family said those types of things to them, I would lose all respect for my family.

    Why do you feel like you have to go through this alone? Is it because you're afraid of getting hurt, afraid of trusting again?

    You don't have to die. It doesn't have to be this way.

    Do you think you would be happy if you moved back to Australia? I remember you saying that you wouldn't be willing to leave your wife; but by dying, you're still leaving. And at least if you made the choice to move instead of ending your life, you'd still have a chance at happiness.

    Wow, sorry if parts of that were all over the place. I'm having trouble making sense out of what I want to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2009
  18. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    They have resented me from day one and i have endeavoured to bring everyone together but met nothing but resistance. They have keys, they have always had a free run of the house to do in it what htey see fit even taking the boy friends/ girlfriends to our bed while we are away, I expect nothing less from these people.

    I will not lock myself away, I will not bow to their demands I will die in the house I helped paid for.

    You asked why I feel I have to go through this alone and you answered that question for me "I am afraid of getting hurt, afraid of trusting again" and above all I am terribly alone. I cannot distinguish between day and night because to me it is always dark, the kind of dark you would find in a cave a dark where all your nightmares come back to haunt you, where the past errors are made more real this is the place I am in my place...... a place with no way out.

    I won't move back because I cannot let my family see what I have become someone who would be a burden a mill stone around their neck they don't need that. I'm sorry I cannot see anyway round it. I'm tired of what I've become, what the world has become and what people have become.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Sounds like it's not even worth trying to bring them together. They sound awful!!!

    There are ways out though, ways for you to get out of the darkness. I know it's hard to trust again. You want to keep yourself safe from the hurt, even if it means being in that dark place alone. Because the darkness is better than the pain of being hurt again. But you CAN trust again. I've been at the point where I didn't think I could. So I don't know exactly where you're coming from, but I can relate on some levels. And you CAN trust again. Not everyone will hurt you or let you down. There are people who can help you find your way out of the darkness.

    I doubt your family would see you as a burden. From what you've said before, it sounds like they really care about you. I'm sure they'd rather have you there, where they could help you, than to have to hear that you were gone forever. At least give them the chance to help you!
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