Time To Give Up...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by x BrokenBabydoll x, Nov 9, 2009.

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  1. x BrokenBabydoll x

    x BrokenBabydoll x Well-Known Member

    Q'uest-que c'est le point s'il vous plait?

    Sums everything up at this moment, what's the point? Of living any longer. I dont see a reason too. In fact here's the reasons not to:

    1.Im part of a family i feel im not part of at all, im in care 250 miles away from the person who calls herself my mum, i love her sure i do but i feel so excluded from that family like i just dont belong.

    2.Im in care, but not for much longer by the looks of things cuz i cant be fucked to make my sorry self do some fucking work at college, so the carers seem to think i'd be better off on the streets in this fucking mental state, than here with support.

    3.I killed my own child. My baby. The person im supposed to love and nurture inside me for 9 months and i ended its life after a mere 11 weeks and 4 days. Im a murderer, a butcher, a fucking abomination. I should be dead. An eye for an eye, a life for a life. I killed my own child! And theres no punishment for killing your unborn baby just lots of hugs and sympathy and 'you've been so brave khlo' If my baby had been even 1 day post natal and i had killed it i would be lynch-mobbed, hunted in the street like an animal, arrested and locked in a dank, dark smelly cell for many many years. Yet whilst my childs inside me i get away with child murder.

    4.I seem to have acquired a talent for generally fucking up everything and everyone around me. I stood and watched my best friend cut his hand open with glass, when i should have done something to stop him. Worse in fact, is taht i joined in and we sat together self harming. How sick is that? I'm failing college, big time, on the verge of being thrown out essentially, and i still cant make my lazy self do anything about that fact, im beyond hopeless. I have no purpose anymore, nothing to live for.

    So again, I ask, Q'uest-que c'est le point s'il vous plait?

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry your pain is so great. Loosing a child whether unborn or not is a great loss. College is hard maybe too hard have you tried decreasing work load so it is more manageable. The point of living is that we don't know what will be handed to us as each day comes. You don't know what opportunities you might have if you decide life is not worth it. Your family although far away are still there and if you did anything they would still suffer still blame themselves. talk to you councillors at the school and get help decrease your work load get extended time for assignments I hope you have someone to help you with your depression your suffering there is still hope take care.
  3. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    im so sorry to hear that...to be hounest...my tears fall when I read this thread...I feel that u are in sooooooo pain..

    1st of all welcome To SF..

    2nd I know sweetie...its so hard to lose ababy...I can even imagen what u are going through......but did you talk with your dr.....maybe u have postpartum depression (PPD)...it could happend to u also...

    then u did what u have to do...I guess it wasnt an aption...im sure ull get so many happy sweet kids when u are ready & able to...Ill tell u somthing u dont belive or see it silly but thing of another side...think of the baby side...do u want this unborn child in haven or born here...in this ugly world? the main thing of having ababy is to have cute baby & try to make this baby the happiest baby ever on earth...so have when u are ready.

    then your family love u...just let them show that...if u think like this & push them away..they cant...plus here in this fourm u can make another family...they all are caring & loving family...they can support u & help u....and I know college is hard cos im struggling at college...and im so failling too...but maybe if u focus on stady make u busy from thinking and these thoughts.

    please try to stay with us any post more to help u...

    PS:im so sorry...I tried my best...im sorry if I say somthing somthing worng, make u upset or may said somthing unapropriate...im just trying to help..

    take care
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you are surviving getting the support you need to survive your loss. Grief councilling can help but you need to talk to someone okay please stay strong.
  5. x BrokenBabydoll x

    x BrokenBabydoll x Well-Known Member

    Thankyou all for your lovely replies, i havent been here for ages because ive been in and out of accident and emergency and the pysch ward, mostly for self harm and for 2 failed attempts on my own life. I was having counselling but my counsellor phoned yesterday and said shes going to speak to the staff at the care home i live in because she has a duty of care towards me and shes worried about me. What i dont understand is why shes doing it now? In the past ive told her im suicidal and she hasnt done anything about it, ive told her im going to self harm, ive told her im going to runaway and she has NEVER told anyone about it.

    So i dont understand why shes telling them now because the last time i saw her (a little over a week ago) we actually had a pretty positive session and the only negative thing i said was that i was finding it hard to deal with a girl in my college class whos pregnant and always going on about it because ive lost my babies. I didnt say i was going to kill myself because of it or that i wanted to hurt myself because of it so i dont understand why she now wants to do this to me.

    I cant trust her ever again, shes the first counsellor ive actually really opened up to and let her get close to me and now she turns around and does this to me. Why? I just dont understand why. But i guess ill get my answers today as i have to phone her between now and 2pm because she wants to speak to me before she speaks to the staff here, im going to end up shouting and getting angry with her i can feel it already. Its just not fair on me to let me get this close to her to let me open up like that and then stab me in the back and hurt me. :(

    Sorry, im just ranting now, needed to get it out.

    Thanks for all your support guys.x
  6. molsen187

    molsen187 Member

    not trying to bring up bad memories but how was it your fault that your baby passed. it most likely wasn't your fault and your head is trying to make you feel guilty about it. miscarriages and stillborns can happen to anyone and blaming yourself for something that might not of been in your control is harmful to you. it sounds like you therapist is trying to get some more support for you not stab you in the back. just cause she going to tell you house that she worried about you doesn't mean she going to tell them everything you've been talking about that would be illegal. maybe she realized she hasn't been giving you the help and attention you need and deserve so she trying to help now. you can make it through all this it hard but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
  7. x BrokenBabydoll x

    x BrokenBabydoll x Well-Known Member

    It wasnt my fault that my daughter passed, i know that now. She was stillborn 2 years ago and i know that wasnt my fault.

    I dont think i wrote my first post very clearly but what i meant when i said i killed my child was that i had an abortion in august this year. I didnt want it and i was pressured into it by my carers and teachers and supposed friends. But i really didnt want the abortion i still think about my little baby now i would be 26 weeks and 4 days pregnant today and i still think about what i did to him or her.

    Please dont think badly of me. After my daughter trust me when i say the abortion was the last thing i wanted in the world. I wasnt given a choice, thats how it felt anyway.But then at the end of the day no matter how much pressure or annoyance i had from others i put my signature on the consent form. I signed away my babys life when i was supposed to protect them.

    As for my therapist, she shouldnt have promised me she wouldnt talk to them if she was going to. Only last week when i saw her did she say she wouldnt under any circumstances contact the house, and now she is. I did phone her and she explained why shes going to talk to them and shes phoning me back in a little while to discuss whether its necessary to talk to them or not but its not looking good for me really because if she tells them about the issues ive raised with her i'll be put on lockdown and then my head will just spiral out of control and i will kill myself. Ive been planning my suicide for months and the only thing thats kept me alive is being able to go to college and have friends and have a life. And i'll have none of that if im put on lockdown which they will do if she tells them what ive said, so if i dont have a life why bother just existing. I dont want to simply exist and survive, i want to live. I want to have a life. And if i cant have one i dont want an existence id rather be dead.

    Sorry its so long, and thanks for replying molsen.
  8. molsen187

    molsen187 Member

    i don't judge anyone for their decisions so no worries there. it sucks you are having a hard time dealing with the abortion. honestly though it seems to me that you could use some help dealing with issues and maybe it was best you didn't have a child. i'm not saying yes or no either way just something to think about. if the child is going to be stressed out cause you are having troubles thats not good either. and kids pick up on trouble even if they dont' know whats going on.

    i agree with the psych. its illegal for her to tell anyone anything about you that you do not want her to tell them. if she tells them and you said not to that is a malpractice suit waiting to happen. i work in a psych ward and we can't tell people's mothers how they are doing if they don't want them to know. it sounds like she is doing what she thinks is best whether it is or not is another story. if you have a plan to hurt yourself she need to tell others though so they can keep and eye on you. if you kill yourself you won't be going to college or having any friends either. life sucks and it is hard but there is a lot of beauty and love out there too. if you go to a hospital for help it not like your friends are going to desert you. if they do they weren't god friends to begin with, they should be there to help and support you. sometimes going in for help really is the best choice, even though it doesn't seem like it. they can teach you coping mechanism and other ways to help you when you start to feel down, you can make contacts and see that you are not alone in the world and their are others going through similar situations. it helps to know there are others out there that can help. hositals are all what you make them though, if you go with the attitude that you are going to get better and make some improvements its entirely possible.
  9. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi babydoll,

    first of all i am really sorry that you regret your abortion so desperately. you are grieving and you need other people to help you work through the grief process and YES it is TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE to get freaked out being around pregnant people while you are going through this, it is a step in the process you are not ready for.

    maybe if you found some kind of support group for other women who share these feelings of guilt/regret you would be able to work through it better? i guess it depends on your situation.. maybe something religious/spiritual, maybe a post-abortion counseling service (i think planned parenthood either offers it or can refer you out, and several pro-life organizations offer post-abortion support groups, depending on what you are comfortable with) or maybe your therapist can help you work back and explore the circumstances surrounding your abortion so you can come to terms with it... i dunno what is right for you and who you would feel more comfortable talking to. point is, they are out there and you are not alone!

    as far as your therapist - my impression is that she is worried, she does not know what to do, and all she can come up with is to get other people involved.. and she's not worried for nothing, it sounds like, since you're here and you're thinking of killing yourself, right? but it does not have to be taken out of your hands like this - try and come up with other solutions that you would feel more comfortable with and present them to your therapist, see if you can make a plan of action together maybe - it will probably do you both way more good then her just sic'ing the staff on you, no?

    good luck. take it easy. sorry to babble

    (edited cos you responded while i was typing and confirmed that it was an abortion)
  10. x BrokenBabydoll x

    x BrokenBabydoll x Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies people, appreciate it :)

    Molsen: I agree with what you say about my having issues I need to deal with, and in my mind I know that really I wouldnt have been able to cope with havig a child and it would have impacted really badly on my baby. But then your heart and mind say 2 different things sometimes which is what upsets me so much. Because in my heart I desperately wanted that baby and still want a baby now but in my mind I know I cant have a child while im in this state of mind.

    Molotov: Im so glad someone recognises that my feeling towards pregnant women are normal because everyone else ive tried to bring it up with has told me its stupid and i need to get over it. But also i almost feel like i dont have any right to go through grieving for my child as it was me who voluntarily killed my baby.

    I dont think im going to be able to see that therapist again as even though now she has told my carers what i told her, which was just that ive been sleeping around quite a bit, which as im 16 i thought was my choice because im at the age of consent for sex so i dont see why its anyone elses business who i sleep with or how many people i sleep with as its legal anyway. Anyway what im saying is now shes told my carers this i dont see why she still wants to call a meeting with my carers and social worker as they already know of the issue now. She says its so my therapist carers and social worker can work out the best way of helping me but the meeting seems pointless because im not going to engage with my therapist again if she goes through with this meeting however im willing to see her again if this meeting doesnt happen. So surely they can see the meetings going to do more harm than good because im not willing to see her again if this meeting happens but i will if it doesnt happen.

    But i will look for groups in my area to talk to other women with the same kind of feelings of guilt and regret so thanks for the suggestion :)

    And dont worry about you babbling ive just written a bloody essay by the looks of it! Lol

    Thanks for listening :)
  11. molsen187

    molsen187 Member

    it is completly normal to have those feeling around other pregnant women. no matter what your heart tells you it wasn't a good time for you to have a baby. you have a responsibility to the baby to raise it the best you can and it takes a lot out of a person. you need to be mentally healthy for that. if you are only 16 you have plenty of time to have children. sleeping around is dangerouse and is not a good coping mechanism. it makes you feel good obviously so you see it as the only way to feel good right now. you have your whole life ahead of you. it sounds to me like you should slow down everything a little bit and take some time to work on yourself so you can be the great person everyone knows you can be. you want to find someone and be in a healthy relationship not just sleeping around. there is so much more satisfaction from a relationship, more than just screwing around ever could give you.
  12. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi babydoll,

    those people who tell you you are stupid for feeling this way are mixing up the difference between "how they would react" and "the only legitimate way of reacting." the pro-choice organizations will tell you that very few women have feelings of regret and grief after their abortion, the pro-life organizations will tell you that lots of women do. but who cares? YOU have them. everyone else can stuff it, you don't need to justify your feelings to anyone. best of luck finding a group!

    that really, REALLY sucks that your therapist has decided that your sex life is anyone else's business. what purpose do they think that serves? i am a little bit surprised that that is even LEGAL, i mean as far as i understand the whole "patient confidentiality" business they are only supposed to start breaking that silence when they think you are an immediate danger to yourself or to others... maybe it's different because you're not 18 yet? god. anyway, it's done, unfortunately. i still kinda think it would be a mistake to drop the therapist over this though, since you say you have really been able to open up to her and it will be hard to start from scratch with someone new and build that level of trust up all over again.

    sorry to sound like your parents or something, but please practice safe sex every single time! i am in a relationship now but i have, um, sown my wild oats in the past, so to speak, so this is not me judging you or anything.. but since you're sixteen and you've been pregnant twice and probably don't want to get pregnant again just yet... i just thought i would say, don't leave it up to any guys to think about protection, cos some guys are jerks about that kind of thing and you don't want to be stuck with all the consequences while they go tra-la-laing on their merry way.

    good luck, take it easy.
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