Everything is going in the toilet. I am realizing that most of everything I think and do is a distraction from getting stuff together. I say "getting stuff together", that really means facing reality and throwing myself in the meat grinder (not literally). I am thinking most of the conditions of life are things I have put into place to keep from dealing with life. Yes I feel horrible enough to kill myself. That I feel that bad means however it will make me feel to face things will not be worse than this. That means doing something about things. not just facing them. I probably have to give up my family, my pets, any hope of fixing things with my wife. Ending my life as it is now but not ending my life period. Ending life as it is now but still being alive doesn't mean I will necessarily feel better. But the harm to myself and those I love will be reduced, I think. It seems the things that issue from the deepest dark of life are thing that will always be and so the best course of action is harm reduction. I want to go on about how bad things are. But that seems like depression gloating in self defeat, the satisfaction of some internal engine of destruction saying, "I told you you couldn't make, I told you you were horrible, now look how true, look how true." I don't want to fuel that engine, it is the motor in the vehicle of distraction. I just need to do what I need to do. And that isn't death. **** I really though working a decent job and being a decent provider and supportive Dad and Husband would do the trick and everything else would fall into place. It doesn't. It really doesn't. Not even close.