Time to pay the piper (goodbye mister suicide)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by broke, Jul 15, 2013.

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  1. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Everything is going in the toilet. I am realizing that most of everything I think and do is a distraction from getting stuff together. I say "getting stuff together", that really means facing reality and throwing myself in the meat grinder (not literally). I am thinking most of the conditions of life are things I have put into place to keep from dealing with life.

    Yes I feel horrible enough to kill myself.

    That I feel that bad means however it will make me feel to face things will not be worse than this. That means doing something about things. not just facing them. I probably have to give up my family, my pets, any hope of fixing things with my wife. Ending my life as it is now but not ending my life period. Ending life as it is now but still being alive doesn't mean I will necessarily feel better. But the harm to myself and those I love will be reduced, I think. It seems the things that issue from the deepest dark of life are thing that will always be and so the best course of action is harm reduction.

    I want to go on about how bad things are. But that seems like depression gloating in self defeat, the satisfaction of some internal engine of destruction saying, "I told you you couldn't make, I told you you were horrible, now look how true, look how true." I don't want to fuel that engine, it is the motor in the vehicle of distraction. I just need to do what I need to do. And that isn't death.

    **** I really though working a decent job and being a decent provider and supportive Dad and Husband would do the trick and everything else would fall into place. It doesn't. It really doesn't. Not even close.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so horrible hun i hope you can reach out for support here and in real life to get you through this tough times Facing reality is so very hard on ones own hugs
     
  3. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for that, it means a lot. I *think* at the worst times, what one still has are those fleeting moments of comfort, or moments that are otherwise void of abject despair. Thank you for providing such a moment with your thoughtfulness and I wish you many such moments yourself.

    ***I am reaching out as I can. In RL, I am making new friends (the lite version, can't handle anything heavy atm), and am walking my butt into some therapy tomorrow. There is a very real chance I may be going to jail also, soon, for things I had done a little while back. If that happens it will at least be that "rock bottom" that people talk about. Solid ground is a comfort, even if it is rock bottom...better than this feeling of being some lost ghost floating aimlessly in the ether.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2013
  4. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hey.

    hope you are okay...?
     
  5. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    I just wanted to say that I read your post and really admire your strength and courage and believe your words have a lot of truth and wisdom to them. Some time ago, I read something along the lines of, if you're prepared to do something as drastic as end your life, you're prepared to make other dramatic changes as well to better things. I think this is very similar to the idea you're expressing, and wholeheartedly support you in your efforts to create a life worth living. Oh, and thanks for the inspiration!
     
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I want able to get the courage to change until I hit rock bottom. I pray that when you do, that you remember that there is a better way to live than what you have chosen. You will know what I mean when you finally hit that point. Blessings...
     
  7. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys very much for your kindness and support. Things are still unbearably difficult, but I don't have any plans on leaving. My main problem at the moment is coming to terms with the fact that my wife and the mother of my 5 young kids, wants nothing to do with us other than her having a place to sleep here. Yes she watches the kids when I go to work and as soon as I come home she leaves. She is essentially a live-in baby sitter. I am facing raising the kids by myself and being closed entirely out of any kind of meaningful domestic, social, or romantic partnership. I am getting past the me part, slowly and painfully, but it really bothers me that my kids have a mom that rejects them. I am becoming a single parent as she abandons more and more of her role.

    The reason why I am in trouble with the law is because the past school year while I was working and thinking she was just rejecting me and not the kids to, the kids had missed too many days of school. I picked up on this and was somehow able to get my schedule at work changed just enough to be here when they get on their school bus, and was listed by the school as the childrens primary care-giver. So they were getting to school on time, but had already missed too many days. She hid the warning letters as they came in until suddenly on the bulletin board there appears an official document from the court saying that I missed my hearing and have to pay a fine and possibly spend some time in jail.

    She blames me for everything btw. Because I "get to go to work" and she has to stay home. So many times I told her lets arrange for enough daytime babysitting for her to work whatever hours she wants but she never took me up on it. She would just say, "Yarightwhatever". Blah. I wish she would just leave. I would let her see the kids as much as she wanted. I could start towards some kind of decent life.

    Distractions.....
     
  8. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    I feel stupid for making this thread right now, considering that I am probably closer to ending it than ever before. My wife told me directly today, not long ago, she wants a divorce. It wasn't out of anger, she wasn't venting. It was a normal conversation and she is totally serious. I think some part of my head keeps going back to us being together ESPECIALLY SINCE WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER AND I HAVE TO SEE HER EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel like my head is coming apart. For a minute I was thinking where could I steal a gun because I don't want to have to do the three day waiting period on buying a handgun or go through the whole ritual of going to the gun store and all of that. Just quick and dirty and done fuck it. Upstairs in the storage room with the light off grasping around the floor beneath me looking for something solid. Funny how the floor is so solid but its solidity is illusory. I hear my son downstairs asking his mom if some people believe there is a giant guy holding up the whole world. She doesn't know the answer. ATLAS ATLAS ATLAS you stupid fucking asshole its ATLAS. It occurs to me he is my son and no one will be around to explain things like fucking ATLAS to him, "..sorry son, your mom done chopped atlas down with a single pointless stab in his BACK..." I am watching how mad I get because I know anger leads to a kind of really impulsive depression despite the fact that it so wonderfully alleviates the pain for the moment. Those fleeting moments. Have I had my share of them? I think so. How can resolve be there and it switches tracks like this???? Now I am thinking everything is a distraction from me ending it and I need to just focus on that. Is that what I was really thinking in the first place and I just needed her to tell me it is over? There is a twisted kind of relief...like she is some mother telling her sick sick child that it is ok to sleep now, that it is over, go and rest forever. Something is congealing inside me, hardening. Dunno what it is. Feels like a stalactite. The neural networks formed as part of my brain as we were growing our family are now all screaming in pain. Electrical charges between brain cells like neurons in battle shocking the shit out of each other in a long chain of hellish abuse that in the end is really only a single fucking thought. My cells scream "STOPPITTT!!!" it is that screaming like rats scratching in the walls...that eventually gets you. That and a woman with a heart colder than the coldest void in distant lifeless outer space. "Your children were born of that void"...will I live to see them suffer through life only to off themselves one by one as they grow older and the protective sheath of the innocence of childhood is worn away by the years and the divorce of their parents? Why the fuck would anyone want to live to see that?? I am too old to start another family (42). I see the open grave and know the line grows shorter as I get older...it is only a matter of time anyways. I cant bear this. I will pretend what I need to pretend to make it through the next hours, day, whatever but for fucks sake this hurts and it is hard to endure when I know pure utter eternal peace is but a decision away.

    edit: I think I need to leave here and sleep somewhere else at least tonight. Maybe my elderly parents who don't know what the fuck is going on and keep pushing me to make t work with her because like me, they can't even begin to comprehend what a father and mother splitting up is. Maybe thats just a bad idea. I just want her to leave and fucking stay gone. But she said she won't do that unless she takes the kids with her. I don't know what to do, I am losing my mind.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 17, 2013
  9. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    cant stop thinking about it, i cant think of any other solution or anything that would even be remotely ok or do able. i feel like a scab was just ripped off a huge wound its just to big and deep to ever scab over again. the only thing that brings me solace right now is thinking of doing it and how soon it can be done. everything else seems fake.
     
  10. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    Two weeks later...she had some epiphany and wants to reconcile, is trying to do all the things I always wanted her to do. Well, she is at least trying. I have kind of lost interest in her and my family. I don't know why I feel that way. I made some female friends and that was moving towards something more when she said she wanted to reconcile I stopped talking to them altogether. I think I got used to the idea of a different life and it made me happy to envision that because it was something I could do. A life in which my time at work and being a parent as balanced with some me time, just SOME FFS, and having a kind woman at my side. I really felt like I ordered a woman up and four appeared. All of them appealing on different levels. One or more for sex and companionship, one for intellectual stimulation, one for spiritual stimulation. All of them attractive, well grounded, fairly successful.

    What worries me is that now no matter what I think of it doesn't seem like anything could please me. An old thought creeps up: Just die. wtf. Go away thought. We were supposed to have drinks and cards and sex last night. But she got pulled over for some BS, and now my car is impounded and I won't be able to work for a few days. My resentment for her over this and in general is really really deep but it also lacks intensity. "That was really stupid but oh well".

    It is just weird that my head keeps coming back to its own self-inflicted demise. Like "all roads lead to Rome". Rather than throwing the hard drive away though, I am tempted to just reformat it by dropping enough lsd to forget who I am and then committing myself to an institution. No I haven't done anything like drugs for many many years. Crazy but if I were sure that I would respawn with my exact same attributes I would definitely do myself in and start over. But if there even is respawn (reincarnation) I am positive it would be a total reroll. Bah. Whats keeping me wanting to off myself are the unintended consequences of the people I care the most about. And what is keeping me FROM offing myself is the known consequence of my suicide on their lives. Catch 22, your fucked buddy.
     
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