time to stop pretending

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jake.007, Mar 8, 2016.

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  1. jake.007

    jake.007 Active Member

    maybe all this time i've been making excuses and looking for reasons (creating reasons, in fact) for why it is ok for me to give up and die. maybe it's time to just acknowledge that i am tired and i don't care anymore, and it's just easier for me to end this now. maybe it's time to admit that i am selfish and self-centered and i don't care whether anyone might be hurt by my decision. it's all just part of the wonderfulness that is me . . . it's all just part of the reason that this is the right thing for me to finally do.
  2. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Suicidal feelings are tough... it is hard to feel that low so frequently.

    I applaud you for finding reasons to live... be it friends or family. I can say from 1st hand experience, that a loss from suicide hurts like hell... and for a long time.

    That point of don't care anymore is a tough one... for me... I didn't acknowledge it was depression that was contributing to it... mentle health stigma kept me from getting treatment. Life has made a lot of positive strides sense I did.

    If nothing else SF is a great place filled with people who will listen. Let us know if you need anything.
    AdamTide likes this.
  3. May9

    May9 Member

    Hey Jake, I feel very similar to you. Like I'm holding on due to to guilt. I find myself wishing something would happen to me, and that it'll happen as quickly as possible. I keep playing tape as to whether or not my family could work through me not existing anymore. So far, I haven't been able to justify it. I'm new in here, wish I could offer you promising words. All I can say is you may feel alone, but there are others who feel same way. I keep telling myself, one day at a time I could do this. Like I can at least see if I'm able to dig myself out this hole of despair, before calling it quits. I hope you try n do the same, you don't have much to lose by trying, at least a little while longer. Feel free to pm if u need to chat. This forum stuff totally new to me, but so far everyone has been nice. Good luck to you.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hello, and welcome to the forum, Jake.

    I am sorry to hear you feel so low that you feel this is the way to go.
    Have you reached out for any form of help to get you on a better track? It can get better. But sometimes life is a lot to handle alone.

    I hope this forum can help you find some support as well.
    If you want, my inbox is always open.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You're not selfish jake, you are suffering from a serious illness. Please seek professional help before things get worse for you. Keep talking to us and be safe, well done for reaching out and talking through your issues. You CAN get better so ignore those thoughts that are telling you that you cannot. If you ever need to talk just hit me up with a PM Jake.
    AdamTide likes this.
  6. jake.007

    jake.007 Active Member

    thanks very much for your reply and your thoughts. after thinking further, though, and especially, after reading some other recent forum posts, it has become even more obvious to me that everything i am feeling is absolutely selfish. and ite extends to a degree that there is no value at all to others in my continued existence. i appreciate your concern that all of this is a function of a mental illness, but i know in my heart that it is not. it is an honest assessment, and if anything, it gives me more credit and leniency than i deserve. hiding behind the veil of "illness" would just be another way for me to perpetuate the pretense that i have lived under for my whole life. surely it cannot be wrong to confront once and for all what i really am, and to resolve that finally.
  7. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    Don't give up. Everything can get better. You can have a good life. Try to think as positively as you can. You have a lot to offer others. Find something each day to enjoy. Watch some uplifting videos or listen to comforting, encouraging music. A couple good songs are Rockabye by Shawn Mullins and Breathe by Anna Nalick. Like Mullins sings, everything's gonna be alright. :)
  8. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Hey. I've been where you are. I've thought those same thoughts. I've thought them for years and years and years. I still think them. The truth is, those thoughts, what you feel is truth is so far from it. I want to ask a question, a serious one, and I want you to give it some thought before you answer, hell you don't even have to answer me just acknowledge that you have an answer. When was the last time you felt alright and what was going on during that time? I'm not talking about happiness because happiness is fleeting, there are happy moments in life. We get to have memories that make us smile. So I'm not asking for happiness. I'm not asking for normal, but that's subjective. I'm asking, when was the last time you felt ok, safe, not plagued with this?

    When you have an answer, a reasonable answer, a "healthy" answer, heck even something like "the last time I was enjoying a video game" or something I don't know (I like video games), hold on to that for a second, three, four, breathe and wait. This isn't over. It could take some work, hard work to get to a point where things are alright again, but isn't it worth it? I know I don't want to feel like this. Don't you want to feel better too?
    AdamTide likes this.
  9. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    Sunny is right. Doing what they said gives you something to aim for and it will remind you that there IS good in life. You are safe here with us. We care about you and will do anything we can to help. You matter.
  10. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I said this many times to myself... it isn't depression it is the circumstances in my life...

    It took me being hospitalized to stop a suicide attempt to consider otherwise... I wasted years with that train of thought. Regardless of what it was... I wasn't making progress because I was convinced I couldn't fix it... and that kept me from trying;.

    Getting treatment of some sort, or seeking some support elsewhere, looking for people who understand... can't hurt anything right?

    Still even if you don't feel like treatment is the right option please know we are here for you.
    IwannaGo Now likes this.
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