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Time - *WARNING* - *Triggering*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by StangerInAStrangeLand, Apr 4, 2008.

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  1. StangerInAStrangeLand

    StangerInAStrangeLand Well-Known Member

    Howdy y'all,
    New to the site - just thought I'd give you a rundown of why I am here at the forum.

    I am currently attending a relatively prestigious technical university (4 year) and this semester I am going to fail; it's beyond the point of remedy. I support myself - I have no other 'support' network to speak of. My parents never really wanted anything to do with my support; they have made that very clear (they would rather I be homeless than live with them, no particular event triggered this, there is no rhyme or reason to it) - they say they still love me, they just don't want to show support in any way, shape, or form. I am $30000 USD in debt right now, from schooling alone - paid off my other bills with what I have from this. I am sort of at a loss to figure out where I'm headed - as I really have no plans for after I am kicked out of my dorm here, coming up in a month and a half I will have no place to live. Of course with my Dx (Severe Depression w/Psychotic features) - my ideation is going berserk.

    Not really sure where I'm headed, but something tells me I really do know where I am headed (the end). Strange thing is, I don't feel sad, angry, or anything (not really suppressing the emotions either). Don't want to do another stint in the hospital, tired of their antics; wouldn't survive it if I went again.

    I've been numbing myself with alcohol and smoking (cannabis and tobacco) for the past week or two, trying to keep my mind from being too rash. Just not sure what I can do, feeling pretty powerless and worthless right now (doesn't help living in a college dorm with some real cruel people).
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi.. Well first of all dont worry about the feauture, do your best today that what is realy counts. Now you said that there is nothing to do and you will be kicked in any case in about a month or so right? Well it means that it is the time for you to find a job. Now i know it may be hard, i suffer from depression myself and i cant work, but i know many who can, so why dont you try? When you will recive yours first paycheck, trust me, you will be refilled with hope for the future.
    If you cant work, then you can ask for social services, it is not a shame to ask them for help, i did it many times, and thay always helped.

    About smoking weed =)
    I support it, i did so also untill i changed home place (and country) and now i cant find it... But you should remember, There is this sh**y "DOWN" that will come after a while, and it will end up with you spending the whole day in bed woundering why your life is so freaking lame =) just remember that :wink:
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    It's sounds as though you've been used to living above the poverty level up until college. I've been in your spot, out of resources and cash. I grew up in a minister's home below poverty level. My parents supported me in my studies, etc., but were never able to support me financially, since there were still four more kids at home to raise. Your decision rests on many conditions. Is the lender of $30k expecting immediate payment? Do you have a sibling or close friend with a spare bedroom? If foreclosure on your debt can be put on hold, this would be a perfect time to do what I'd have loved to do - go wherever you want to go, earn money to go to the next place...be a nomad for a while, enjoy some downtime, some solitude. It's not too hard to live on the cheap. For you, that might mean feeling like you're living too close to the edge.

    Your depression/psychosis is another issue. How to receive therapy and meds? Could be a problem or it might not be.

    Failing a semester is hard on the ego and hard on life plans and budget - a lost semester. But really, it isn't the end of the world. I'm really sorry for you that your parents aren't a resource. That's not something I can relate to. I've been blessed, even though never wealthy. We're living on my SS disability right now, so I know about life on the edge. It's a challenge. The county mental health staff has been most helpful keeping me relatively sane, and more importantly, alive. County resources can offer a lot of help in many different pieces of your life right now, with housing, food, utilities, and whatever else you need, including free therapy. I've been fortunate to have had a good psychotherapist.

    Are you going to college with a particular goal in mind? There are cheaper alternatives to reach whatever goal you have. Many people work happily and productively all their lives with no college time. It isn't possible if you plan to be a doctor or attorney, but there are hundreds of possibilities all around you, jobs to do if pride doesn't stand in the way, multiple places to volunteer if you have spare time.

    I should be reading all this myself. I have a double degree in music and religion, both of which have been useful, even necessary all my productive life, and continue to be though on disability. Even so, suicidal ideation is constantly an issue for me, and has been for the past seven years. It doesn't always get therapied or medicated away. But I've learned some simple coping skills that take me from one day to the next. With the help of God and family and a few friends, I survive. I hope you can find that kind of support system.

    I wish the best for you.

  4. StangerInAStrangeLand

    StangerInAStrangeLand Well-Known Member

    Thank you Jim and Summer.Rain - your comments are helpful.

    I know I can continue on (been at these crossroads before) - I'm just having a hard time seeing the point to exerting all the effort; not lazy, just incredibly tired and overwhelmed with everything going on. I figure with my childhood and life so far, I've done my work on this earth (feels like I get to play the role of Job in the book of Job). Part of why I started up again with the (cannabis) smoking was to stop me from violent outbursts or running in front of the train that passes through here each night (knew it would come to that if I wasn't disabled from doing it in some way). Pretty much everyplace here does drug testing, except maybe working at the hotel or another very low paying job, not enough to support myself (and this stays at detectable levels for up to six months).

    My dorm mate makes me want to kill - he is so very inconsiderate (plays loud computer games until 3am - we are in the same room). I've asked him nicely to use headphones when I'm around, but it takes constantly reminding him. I don't think I've slept in a few days now. Probably the past several months I've had about 20 hours of sleep a week.

    Afraid of spending the rest of my life in a menial job and not really changing the world in any way, e.g. no legacy. Can't seem to make it work when the opportunity is there though - this time I ended up going to school in this small town, which ended up being a toxic situation. Last time I went through a similar struggle my financial aid fell through; the university (a different one from the one I attend now) made an error in submitting some paperwork, I ended up not having any money and a huge bill. I became a raging alcoholic and got work (somehow) to pay off a good chunk of my debt.

    I was raised by my grandparents, my mom was too busy with her life (she put herself through college and through many hardships) - to some degree I see her imparting her struggles and strife onto me now when I ask for help. I never had wealth, my family has never seen wealth (grew up in a low-income apartment); I see a lot of people here (at college) who are my exact opposites with wealth and privilege. My biological father died not too long ago of acute lymphocytic leukemia - he left me while my mom was pregnant with me, but I found him again when I was 16, then he died when I turned 22 (2 years ago).

    My grandfather (who raised me) passed away about a year ago, got buried in the national cemetery, my family never took the time to listen to him or get to know him - they sold all of his books and telescopes - it felt like a dagger going through my heart when they got rid of every scrap he ever owned and pocketed the money (I cannot forgive them). My grandmother is in a rundown nursing home right now (with Alzheimer's in the last stage) - they leave her there in her own pool of urine or excrement without cleaning for several hours at a time. When I tell my family how much it hurts me to see them treat their own family in such a manner, they respond that it's their parents fault (my grandfather for being an alcoholic and my grandmother for staying with him) - which is not a good reason to treat them with such disdain and dishonor. It hurts me horribly, it makes me cry uncontrollably at times; my family doesn't seem to mind what havoc this wreaks upon me.

    Just want all the pain and suffering to stop - gonna stay away from the train and get my head right though; just in a real bad place here. I pretty much got all the bad shit that can happen to a person, family issues, educational issues, financial hardship, not to mention the severe depression and psychosis to boot :mellow:. Making it through each day is a real battle, not sure how long I can do it - everyday (for the past month) it's a decision of life or death. I've tried death a lot, but it's incredibly difficult to go through with - life is easier for the time being.
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    We had similar economic backgrounds. Never enough money. Never knew my grandparents very much. My Dad was a minister in a small town and had to work a prt time job to keep food on the table. Same with his father. Same economics right now, living on disability. I agree with you that life is a real battle and not sure how long I can do it. It really is one day at a time much of the time. Sometimes I'm able to anticipate an event I want to be part of, and can promise myself to live until then. Other days, it's back to one day at a time. It is true that it's incredibly difficult to go through death. All the emotions and life experiences that lead up to that moment. Some days, life is easier, and I'm more at peace when I can recognize those days and enjoy them while they're here. (You said the battle has been going on for a month. I've fought it for about five years now, and it's still a battle. I hang on to a thread of hope, I hang on to my wife and two kids, I hang on to my mother's faith. Those things keep me going even when I'm "not sure how long I can do it." Let's keep living in the now and make the decision to live for the now.
  6. StangerInAStrangeLand

    StangerInAStrangeLand Well-Known Member

    Thank you middleofnowhere.

    Been severely depressed for much longer than a month (past 11 years) - it sucks severely (along with life in general). Got through a lot by telling myself suicide was just going to be my backup plan in case things went astray - between the bad times (e.g. hospitalization). Things have gone astray - but I'm now on the one day at a time battle (just hate going through this battle again) - hearing that train blowing its whistle not 300' away from me every night doesn't help. Should probably be on the SSI considering I've lost every job I ever had because of my depression - never really had a job longer than a few months to where it became unbearable - but I don't think I qualify given that I haven't earned anything in the past year (you have to work a certain number of 'credits' or something to qualify). My debtors will be expecting payment as soon as I get out of school here - it is a very real problem for me which I really don't know how to solve; bankruptcy is not an option, the federal government manages the loans so they last even through filing bankruptcy. Not sure what I'm going to do, or where I am going to go with all these things on my back.
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I'm not qualified for SSI, either. But I was able to get SS disability with reports from a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a therapist, two doctors, and the facility I went to twice after attempts.

    ADD might be another route to investigate. You're on meds? Seeing a therapist?

    I hope you'll seek and find help. You don't have to go this alone. Job didn't go through all his troubles alone, either. God had put limits on Satan's arsenal, so along with his strong faith, he survived. You're a person of value. You have potential for a legacy-leaving life.

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