time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 10, 2013.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    so theres only a few days left until its a year. one year. a whole year. 12 months. 12 long months. since she left. died. she didn't leave, she died. and not by choice. she fought hard... very, very hard. and then in two and a half days she went from being coherent and alive to dead. took her last labored breaths. was hard to witness and not to be able to do anything. to listen to the oxygen machine still working but for no reason and i can hear it still..... to go from having this person, my true soulmate, by my side and in my life to losing her. no one that cares without ulterior motives. no one who seems to remember. no one that acknowledges her and realize that would be helpful. no one really in my life anymore, ultimately.

    but im saying more than i should. the long and short of it is that the "year" is nearly over. so now what? im without direction. without support. without caring. without joy. without reason. so, again, now what? whats the point in trying? what or who am i trying for? and what am i trying for? whats my purpose? reason for living? reason for being here? reason for anything?

    i can play along and say all is fine. whats the point saying anything else, i.e. the truth? no point. its a polite question with a polite answer.

    the truth? wish i could just do "it"... the reason? i have no reason for any other choice.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thinking of you and hope you know I care. :hug:
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Acy.... thanks. Im lost.

    I'm glad to "see" you... have been thinking about you too.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want to offer support and caring. :hug:
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Wildcherry.

    sinking.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Let us support you through this.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have our support hun like your friend who fought so hard hun to stay so must you hun fight ok know you are not alone.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sending very many hugs to you, Mo. I am here. And I care. I know all too well that having people online who care is so different from irl. Especially at a time of deep grief. Still, i am here and I care :hug:
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    But I've nothing to give. Thats not right, at least not to me. No reason to be here. Nothing to live for, cliche as it might sound. Going through motions.

    I'm sorry. But thanks, I may not be around in the coming week or two. It's just hard. Maybe it'll pass and maybe it won't. Her death won't pass though, that's the long and short of it.

    Take good care of yourselves.
     
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You know if I could take this away, I would immediately...and that I am so sorry...and like the others above, I am here and I care
     
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I hope you will change your mind about not being around for the coming week or two.
    I hear you when you say you have nothing to give. I know that you need not give anything during this time. for however long it is. But I also respect that you feel different. Again, I hope you do not take time away. I hope you will stay and receive. Allowing people to give, is a form of giving to them. There are times in our lives when we cannot give. And times when we can. Please stay here if you possibly can.
     
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