Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by drowning, May 29, 2015.

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  1. drowning

    drowning Member

    I am 27 yrs old. I live everyday in misery trying to fit in or trying to be loved. Everyday I feel like I get kicked in the face. I don't want to wake up in the mornings. But I'm too cowardly to take my own life. Everyday is harder than the one before. It's so hard to feel useless and worthless everyday.

    Today I concluded I'd give myself <Mod Edit, Timeline> to decide whether I really want to continue in this life. It's the end of day 1 and so far the answer is still 'no'.

    I really done have anyone to talk to. It would hurt my mom too much, my best friend thinks everything will be fine, my boyfriend has left me and the person I'm 'seeing' has made it abundantly clear I'm there for convenience but I'm to stupid and scared to walk away cause then I'll have no one.

    So...day one ends. I pray my mind will change over time... but then again I don't see how my life can possibly improve.

    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2015
  2. bladizzle

    bladizzle New Member

    Have you talked to anyone in person? I know that it can seem impossible, but there are so many of us out there who want you you say, "Hell yes, I want to live!" Do you have a close friend, family member, counselor, or a doctor that you can call? Please make sure you make the decision to talk to several people before making a permanent decision at the end of 10 days. I guarantee, you have so much to offer. Please don't think that there is no hope!
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering but life is important. I know how you feel like everyday but you must be strong.

    You must remember the only people who understand are the ones who suffer like you. You need to speak to someone about your feelings as you suffering from the breakdown of your relationship. Please disregard this 10 day thing as YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND I AM HERE FOR YOU.

    Like I say to many others who join this site, just think someone, somewhere in this world cares about you and does not like to see you suffering alone. The loss of two relationship is harsh and feel like you have used by one of them is not a nice thing. Life is important and with the care of this forum we can get YOU through this tough period of your life. You have to keep yourself busy and try to be around people. Being isolated inside does not help but keeps you overthinking about the situation.

    I know it's hard at the moment but you deal with the situation minute by minute. Please keep away from these two people as it will only cause you more anguish. You just need to read the posts here and it will give you reassurance that life is important when we face any crisis.
  4. drowning

    drowning Member

    It's so much more than the loss of relationships. Everything is crumbling. I'm losing everything like everything I touch dies. It's so hard.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome,

    I was in a similar situation with my ex partner. I was there for his convenience, paying all the rent and everything. He was using me completely. Don't stay in a relationship you are not happy in. I think you should do whatever you can to help yourself. Self help, see your doctor-they can refer you to a psychiatrist, social worker, psychologist and you can get better slowly and rebuild your life. I really hope you can get through this, you don't deserve to feel this way. Good luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2015
  6. drowning

    drowning Member

    HI Petal,

    Thank you very much for your kind words. It's hard to explain. But this feeling is a result of years of struggling. I've been holding on and fighting for over 15 yrs. I'm am at a point where I think it's just best to let go.

    This is my last resort. My last effort to feel like I belong someplace.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are most welcome. What is making every day harder than the next, is it something going on in your life or is it your mental health issues?
    You are just a year older than I, do not let anyone make you feel useless or worthless. Did you go to college? Are you working? Tell us more if you want to! And also it's very important that you see a professional, very!!

    Best wishes, petal!
  8. drowning

    drowning Member

    Hi again,

    I did go to university. That's part of what has kept me going. I wasn't able to find work in the field of my first degree so i took odd jobs to finance another degree...basically completely switching fields. during that time I had found an ok job. But I had to move across the country to finish the degree and so had to quit that job. I've been out of w9rk since. Can't pay my bills and that is hard. Does not look like a job is forthcoming either. So you see...it's a lot of things.

    Everyday is tough to wake up and realize that I am getting older and i have not found my place in this world and serve no purpose. I feel worthless and my circumstances do nothing to alleviate that feeling.

    I am here. Trying to find a way to keep holding on.
  9. Leolsrik

    Leolsrik Well-Known Member

    Not having found your place in this world at 27 isn't something to be sad about. You have many decades ahead of you to improve your life. Even if it seems unlikely, your future happy self will thank you for staying alive when times were tough.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2015
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I actually am in the same boat, I haven't found my place in life yet, I'm going back to education in September so hopefully something will work out well for me :)

    Do not feel worthless or useless or incompetent. Well done on your degrees, that is a great achievement. Have you thought about moving away and starting over for yourself?

    We are close in age, I moved back home to my family 'cos I couldn't stand my ex's emotional abuse. Do not let anyone use you, it will lower your confidence and self esteem and tear you apart. If you need a peer to talk to, i'm here!
  11. drowning

    drowning Member

    I am also planning on moving back home. Which is what sparked my 'timeline'. my dad is very ill and I know me returning home depressed is the worst thing I could do to my family. So i have 9 more days to decide what my next move will be.

    Moving away? I don't do well in new situations. So if I were to move in this condition I know I would not make it a day. I get anxiety just thinking of leaving again.

    It's very cathartic to talk. Thank you

    All the best with school. I sure hope I'll be around to offer you support through it because I know how hard it can be. What field are u considering?
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am doing an access course, fire and ambulance so that I can get into a university course. (I left school at 14 due to bullying and other not so nice things). You must have enjoyed school to get around to doing the degrees, you are smart and clever!

    I really wish you re-consider your plan of ending it all, there is so much more to life than it seems. I OD 4 years ago and ended up in ICU, on a ventilator and life support. I was in a coma, I would never put my family through all that again, looking back I say to myself what the hell was I thinking, my point is please do not act on your thoughts when unstable, professional help is the way to go! And thank you, it is lovely to talk to you too :) Right now I'm enjoying the small things in life, my niece's company, food lol, TV, movies, I know one day I will look back smiling and I hope the same goes for you too :)

    We also have a chat room here on this site if you'd like to talk in real time.
  13. drowning

    drowning Member

    I tried entering the chat room. But left because I saw random names and got anxious that I would be imposing on people who didn't want to talk to. At least here I know who I can talk to.

    I didn't go to school because I liked it. I went because it was necessary. I am from a family of very little means so I knew from an early age that education was my way to help my family. Or at least I thought it would be. Two degrees later and still no hope...that is what cuts me deep.

    I've read your posts elsewhere about your niece. I hope she enjoyed her birthday. I myself am also born in May. But I never celebrate it because its the day that reminds me I'm getting older and still have achieved nothing. Tends to be the hardest day of the year for me.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yes, the chat room can seem intimidating at first, when I joined here it took me a full year to enter chat lol! I was scared and nervous but everyone here is friendly and nice so I use it regularly these days! The best friends I have ever had in my life are on this site :)

    Thanks for the well wishes for my niece, she had a fabulous birthday and got lots of gifts,money and love!! :)

    You have achieved a degree, while they may seem worthless to you, that is a lot more than others achieve. I hope to achieve one, one day. And being 26 it's a bit embarrassing for me not to have any education other than my junior certificate done.

    I totally get that about your birthday, I was dreading mine this year but to be honest I feel okay with my age now it doesn't really bother me much. I have survived through a lot and put up with a lot of anxiety and depression and agoraphobia during the years so emotionally I have come a long way and am much more emotionally mature than people my age.

    By the way, my name is Lynn and I'm 26 from Ireland :) It is lovely to meet you and I really do hope you don't attempt. I have done damage to my stomach from overdoses. It is not worth it.
  15. drowning

    drowning Member

    It's amazing we have so much in common. I too have damaged my stomach in much the same way...I wasn't very wise about my combination. I was 15 and hoping it would end.

    Do not be embarrassed. I think it is awesome that you have the drive to keep going. Bullying is tough and you had to do what you had to do in order to preserve yourself. I am also sure your niece is and will be very proud of you. I'm 27 and don't have a drivers licence because of anxiety issues (that I am ashamed of).

    It's very nice to meet you Lynn.
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    We have even more in common, I also do not drive. I am on strong medications so cannot anyway but still I feel embarrassed about it sometimes.

    You seem to have been suffering for a long time :( that's no fun. I also OD at that age of 14 when I was pregnant and lost the baby, the guilt is overwhelming but life goes on and I just have to move on from what happened. A lesson was learned at least.

    What are your plans for the weekend? Do you have many friends? Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to?
  17. drowning

    drowning Member

    Sadly no. I really don't have friends. I have one very close friend and recently it's been strained because it's as if I suck the life out of her. So I'm avoiding talking to her about it. She thinks I'm being selfish by thinking the way I do. I have no plans for the weekend. so it looks l8ke staying home, continuing to contemplate regarding my timeline, playing four pics And pretending to others that I'm ok.

    It's amazing that my exchange with you has been the only waking hour of today that I have not been crying. Thank you so much for that.
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm am so glad I brightened up the hour for you, that makes me feel really good, thank you :hugs:

    Your friend thinking you're selfish, only thinks like that because she doesn't understand what depression feels like, if she did she wouldn't think it's selfish. It's great you have a close friend though, maybe you should do something fun soon like go to the cinema, bowling, go and take pictures of scenery, something to cheer you up :)

    You do not need to pretend you are okay if you don't want to, it's up to them how they feel about it, take charge of your life and seek the help you need. You made a great first step by joining here. Thank you :hugs:
  19. drowning

    drowning Member

    I'd rather stay home than do anything. I feel too much judgment to go anywhere. I am taking charge of my life though. It's make or break for me soon. Either I'm staying and fighting and sucking it up or I'm going. No more on the fence.
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Is the judgement down to anxiety/nerves or because you feel lowly of yourself?

    I think you are a nice person who is in a lot of emotional pain and needs someone to listen and talk to, maybe, just maybe if you feel things are getting better would you reconsider your plans?
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