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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by VioletDawn, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    I just want to go now. Mental health services here are nothing short of shambolic. Cutting my adoptive mum off is the right move but it carries a sense of finality. Nobody from "my" family has contacted me since. I'm not surprised. Just saddened.

    I got another nice email to say yet another organisation can't offer me anything then signposted me to other unsuitable places instead. I sent back a reply thanking them for their kind email but told them that sadly there's no help for people like myself that don't fit the right box. It was my way of telling another human being that I'm laying down my sword.

    Yesterday I got the last call back from a well meaning person at a helpline. I basically said I'd tried everything and that the only thing left to do was die. He ended up agreeing that it did indeed seem like I'd run out of options.. and not for lack of trying. For all the places that have wonderful services in place to help people, for others there really is just nothing out there that can help.

    I'm filled with a sort of bittersweet sadness at being here at the end of it all. It feels like it's time. I know I had to fight to the end. See it through. And I did. Bloody hell I fought with a fire burning inside me. I hope that amongst the despair and the pain that people saw the flame from within.

    I never gave up. Even when the fight went out of me, I kept going one foot in front of another. When the hope died, I dared to believe. I walked the path even when every step cut me to shreds. Now I'm at the end and I can look back and say I did it. I got here and here is where it ends. I choose to stop. I choose set myself free and step into the void.

    I love you all.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. sassy123

    sassy123 SF hugger Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Violet hun are okay we are here for you. Yep just need to keep on fighting. I am coming to England someday I really want to come visit you when I do. Hugs. You can get through this I know you can. Stay safe please I know the system has let you down but you are stronger than you think.
  3. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

  4. sassy123

    sassy123 SF hugger Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hugs I know we love and care about you hun
  5. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Well-Known Member

    I hope you get some healing Violet. Don't go Violet. I love you.
  6. Barnabas17

    Barnabas17 Active Member

    Violet I do not know you and yet I love you. It seems strange for someone to say that but it's so very true. I was lost and broken and so very tired of trying to do life on my own and yet, here I am. It was a long road but wow...I had no idea the beauty that awaits on the other side of the pain. Can I just share this with you? Once I went out with someone who had a crush on me. I didn't really like him as much as he's liked me but I went anyway. Of course we didn't end up together, but I will never forget what he said during dinner. As I shared my life and my pain with him, he said, "I want to apologize for everyone who has ever hurt you." I froze. I had wanted apologies from my parents and past boyfriends and never got them. And here I was sitting in front of someone who saw me and heard me. That apology helped to heal me and is one of the reasons I began to want to stay around. Violet, I am deeply sorry for anyone who has ever hurt you, and for all the wrong that has been done to you. Violet please stay and please give the trained professionals another chance. You matter and you are loved!
    Woowoo and MagickLynx like this.
  7. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Thank you @MarvelFan. You have a great heart. You really do.

    @sassy123 You have the best hugs ever :)

    @Barnabas17 I'm so glad that you met that person who was there to say the right thing at exactly the right time to help you in the way you needed. I'm sorry you found yourself in such a dark place but am so glad you made it out.

    It's like a self destruct switch has been flipped. Can it ever be reset or do people who continue to live have to feel the pull for the rest of their lives? I don't mean the feeling of wanting to die or the need for the pain to end. I mean the heavy weight of realising that it's something that has to happen and the time is now. No chaos or sadness. No panicked desperation. Just overwhelming sadness at the fact that your existence is about to end. Its a very sobering realisation and weighs very heavily upon me. Has anyone who made it to this point ever truly gone back to the other side?
    LostSoul83 likes this.
  8. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Dearest you, my heart goes out to you for your pain - I am older than you and still feel the same pull, the same weight every day. I truly don't know what the answer is. I SH and have tried so hard to die feeling so sure in my life that there is nothing to hold me here - But having tried, and failed, I guess I have failed for a reason. When I run with that thought, I remember running with the dogs and living nature, I remember when I hug my grandchild, when I can convince myself that surely I must be worth more - it's then that I hold on tightly to whatever little thread I have - most of which comes from SF. Stay strong sweetheart please xxxx
    LostSoul83 and Woowoo like this.
  9. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    @Winter Blues, thank you. Every time I see your posts you come across as such a sweet, caring person. I'm so sorry you have gotten to that same point. I wish I could hit that reset button for us both. Hearing you talk about your dogs and nature, and especially your grandchild is so heart warming. You are most definately worth a whole lot. Your kindness means so much.

    I hope I can find a way forward. A way to feel free and at peace while still being alive. It feels like I'm living on borrowed time but I'm trying.
    Woowoo and sassy123 like this.
  10. sinking_ship

    sinking_ship Well-Known Member

    oh Violet, I'm so sorry the system is failing you so much, I would love to see you be able to get help. I hope you keep trying regardless, keep breathing. We're all here to listen if you need. *hugs*
    Winter Blues likes this.
  11. alice202

    alice202 SF Supporter


    I wanted to share something with you. About 10 years ago there was a show on tv about a man who developed miraculous healing powers after being involved in a serious car accident. After that his life totally changed for the better. He had a great effect on other people and he did not understand it. Occasionally he would have flashbacks to the accident and had a vision of someone stepping through flames to pull him out of the wreck. This came up in the show over and over and I did not think they would ever reveal more. But finally there came a day when he would find out who had rescued him. He found out that the person who pulled him out of the wreck was - - - himself.

    At first I was disappointed and kind of angry at the show. And then I realized how profound this is. He was in a burning automobile and nobody came to help. But somehow he got himself out and did not even realize it. He saved his own life and transformed it.

    I think that in this life we can get help and support from others but it will always be disappointing. We find a few good listeners, a few medications, a few friends that help. But ultimately we have to save ourselves. We have to learn to deeply love ourselves. I believe that all of us are capable of it. I recently started doing guided meditations every day. It replaces my negative thoughts with peaceful ones. I feel like my brain is changing for the better.

    I don't underestimate how difficult it is for you. But I do believe you can save yourself. You have to find your own way. I hope you will keep posting and keep seeking until you find healing.

  12. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Stay strong sweetheart please. There is no magic pill to Help us, we almost just live to struggle. But look for those things in your life, however small or seemingly insignificant, that can help you focus. Mine are my dogs and their unconditional love whatever mood I’m in. Continue to post on SF because although it’s probably unlikely that we will ever meet, we do all truly care. You are a very special person in this life - please believe that. Hugest hugs xx
  13. Diesional

    Diesional Well-Known Member

    Hey Violet, I'm really sorry. Your struggle has no doubt been long and strange, and it must really hurt to feel like you've run out of options. The fact that a helpline person actually straight up agreed with you that you'd run out of options is saddening and horrifying to me. I don't know the exact context and way in which he said that, but it seems wrong. Resourceful though societal systems and institutions might be, maybe the fact that they require some box you don't fit in means they just don't have the answer. Said systems are like that in some ways, in many walks of life. They are very limited by nature, they can't accommodate everything, and some of just don't fit in them.

    I don't know in exactly what sense you've meant by "fighting", but I don't doubt that it was, and is, very real. I just have also found that sometimes we get lost in the sense of "fighting" that we end up defaulting to self-antagonisms that brought us to it in the first place -- we just end up fighting ourselves, rather than taking the good of us as a given. I'm not trying to invalidate your struggles either, and I don't know what all treatment you've sought out. Just please stay, take a moment to drink in the goodness and beauty of the small details around, and slowly go from there. We want your life.
  14. Barnabas17

    Barnabas17 Active Member

    Hi Violet. YOU have been on my heart for the past 24 hours and I am overjoyed that you are still here. As someone posted, we may never meet...but the love and deep concern is REAL! So grateful for technology when we can use it to build up and encourage one another. Let this new day bring you some joy and some peace, HOWEVER slight, please do something that you enjoy and do it slowly as to be present. Your love toward others sharing their pain is proof that you have a desire to stay and a gift to give. I pray you will persevere one step at a time and NOT give up!
  15. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    Thank you @sinking_ship, @alice202, @Winter Blues and @Barnabas17. I wanted to reply to each of you individually to thank you for the support and effort you all made to post. I feel bad that I feel so utterly spent that it feels impossible to order my thoughts enough to write proper replies.

    I have read everything and genuinely take your points to heart. I'm on my way hope and as the train draws closer to home I feel my heart sinking. I am sinking. My brain is screaming "Don't go home.. keep going."

    Of course I have to go home and so I will.. but then what? I don't want to do this all over again. It is so hard. Ridiculously hard. Why am I still here?? I must be the world's biggest chump.
  16. Barnabas17

    Barnabas17 Active Member

    That is a great question beloved! Why are you still here? I hope and PRAY that you stay and discover the reason. Take a slow journey which will not be easy but worth it. The greatest journey involves brokenness and pain and many unexpected turns...BUT it is beauty in that pain and new friendships along the way. When expose ourselves without fear, we cross lots of "me toos" and find small doses of comfort. YOU are not a chump! YOU are a valued human being with a gift to give this universe. YOU don't see it yet...but we see it without even knowing you. BELIEVE IT cause it's TRUE! Reject the lies and embrace what is true!
  17. sinking_ship

    sinking_ship Well-Known Member

    We spend a lot of our lives, 'doing it all again' day after day. I think it's easy to get bogged down in the monotony of that if we don't make a point to pause, to take a breath, to notice the world around us, and to try to do something to make ourselves smile. Those small moments can really add up if we let them. I hope you can let yourself take a moment Violet. Just try to stop thinking and panicking for a moment and just be.
    Woowoo likes this.
  18. Foreignwoman

    Foreignwoman SF Supporter

    Violet, the thing is, we all want to go sometimes, that is why we are here. And yet, we stay.
    I feel your pain.
  19. VioletDawn

    VioletDawn SF Supporter

    I can think of nothing else. There's no end. No distraction. It feels like I'm being called home. I don't want to stay. I can't. Life feels toxic to me now. I can't explain how alien it all feels to me now. This kind of thinking leaves me feeling a bit unhinged. I think there's something wrong with me.
  20. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Dear you … I too am feeling your pain. I have reread this entire thread and my heart goes out to you. You are such a lovely person but I feel and fear your sense of tiredness, exhaustion. Please stay strong - life is completely shit but every day I try to log something that turns my heart - and it might just be as simple as seeing so many butterflies in my garden today or my dog rolling in the grass. This time of night for me is the worst (11.00 pm) - it's when the longing to SH is the greatest. My heart and soul are with you sweetheart - I don't know where you live but if it was close I'd be there now giving you the biggest hug ever. Love always xxx