I just want to go now. Mental health services here are nothing short of shambolic. Cutting my adoptive mum off is the right move but it carries a sense of finality. Nobody from "my" family has contacted me since. I'm not surprised. Just saddened. I got another nice email to say yet another organisation can't offer me anything then signposted me to other unsuitable places instead. I sent back a reply thanking them for their kind email but told them that sadly there's no help for people like myself that don't fit the right box. It was my way of telling another human being that I'm laying down my sword. Yesterday I got the last call back from a well meaning person at a helpline. I basically said I'd tried everything and that the only thing left to do was die. He ended up agreeing that it did indeed seem like I'd run out of options.. and not for lack of trying. For all the places that have wonderful services in place to help people, for others there really is just nothing out there that can help. I'm filled with a sort of bittersweet sadness at being here at the end of it all. It feels like it's time. I know I had to fight to the end. See it through. And I did. Bloody hell I fought with a fire burning inside me. I hope that amongst the despair and the pain that people saw the flame from within. I never gave up. Even when the fight went out of me, I kept going one foot in front of another. When the hope died, I dared to believe. I walked the path even when every step cut me to shreds. Now I'm at the end and I can look back and say I did it. I got here and here is where it ends. I choose to stop. I choose set myself free and step into the void. I love you all.