Time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Dec 16, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    You know you hear people say that time heals all wounds... but in all reality it does not heal. well it has not healed for me and i see no end to it..

    you know what i am? i tell you what i am.. i am like a piece of paper.. and everyone needs to take me from that roll of paper, ripe my edges off , roll me up into a ball and either burn me in a fire or throw me away..

    All my life.. i have tried to fit in. i have even did things to try and make people love me because i just knew if i did nothing no one would love me.. then i started going to church.. thought i had found a true love of friendship there but was soon to find out that it was all a put on.. if you make a dang mistake at a church they will disown you. they will make you feel alone, left out , they say its love.. but in all reality it is a far thing from love of any kind..

    i have had hurt upon hurt.. time and time again i hear others say time heals all wounds, but it doesnt.. my wounds are too deep to even be healed anymore..

    i have tried to start fresh, i really did but then a word or two typed out wrong and was taken wrong turned me into a monster and it got everyone hating me and saying i am the same old person, it will not ever end.. it will never end. i cant type or speak anymore, because if i do it will turn out all wrong.

    i have lost everything that has ever mattered to me. there is nothing left for me nothing... i dont even want to go to a church anymore.. i dont read the bible anymore.. at one time i was reading the bible and doing bible studies every day, now i got no interest in it. none. ministers, they are all the same, they care for their own selves and for no one else, they care for the money you give them at church and if you cant give much then your like dirt to them.. How many ministers do you see going to visit those that are homeless? how many you see going to visit those that are in bars, or in the streets? i dont see any around here doing that..

    friends, i dont have any really, not in this town.. my life is useless.. and i cant do anything right. i have did things to try and please others, but it was not to their liking or their way,, i have did things for myself but it was not to their liking or ... i am seen as someone who cares nothing but for herself yet i am always caring for others and putting others ahead of me in prayers and all yet i am seen as selfish.. if i was selfish i would have taken the big mobile home and left my brother out in the cold.. if i was selfish i would have bought grociers for my house instead of buying them for my neighbor lois who did not have a bit to eat in her house..

    i have lost everything that has ever mattered to me.. my home was diliberatly set and burnt down because of a very mean person and he is getting away with it. the police will never arrest him, never.. i lost that.. i lost those i thought were my friends but i soon learnered they actually were not my friends.. yes one took me to see my doctor, but then what went behind my back and made fun of me, etc..? i lost the two people who ever showed me a little bit of love because of a dumb mistake a family member did... i have lost all my funiture , my trophies, they cant be replaced.. i lost my mom and i miss her so much..

    time.. time... time...

    it will not ever heal my wounds.. i am, going away.. i am pulling away from everyone.. time is needed for me to reflect upon what a truly wasted life i have got.. people say it will get better but i know it wont.. when i am away from everyone it will be so much more easier on me.. no more emails, no more phone calls, no more letters, no more visits.. it is not like i get them anyway cause i dont. so i have turned off the phone, etc.. its time for me to just be left alone to do what needs to be done.

    people say i am a strong person but i am not strong, not anymore.. i am broken.. i am like a broken bird with a broken wing.. i cant fight anymore.. if i did i would never make it anyway.. it was never meant for me to be loved.. it was never meant for me to even feel love.. i have stopped taking the milk thistle, i have stopped taking the herbs and greens to combat this cancer.. i dont want it to be doormat anymore.. i dont want it to reduce.. i want it to spread more and faster so it will take me out of this world.. i was always told that a person could grieve themselves to death.. guess theres only one way to find out?? i am not even going to take my meds anymore, just let it all go.. just let it all go.. please dont try to call cause my phone will be off, my door will not be answered, any mail sent to me will be refused cause i give up..

    you could not love me when i really needed you so i dont need your pretend love now..

    i have lost it.. i have lost everything.. i have nothing.. i really have nothing..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2007
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    hmm, time heals all wounds. well yes i supose it does but my thinking is that you have to want it to and its not a quick fix.
    there will always be ppl or actions or feelings that will try to put someone down but the trick is to rise above that and not to let them win, but i know its not tht easy to do, its seems like its one thing after another for you and its all too much right now.

    i am not sure what to say to make things better but i do know that this world will be a poorer place without you in it hun.
    everyone is special including you dovie.

    please find another way.

    paper to be burnt !! maybe you are quality paper just waiting to have a sweet poem written.
     
  3. helpmeout

    helpmeout New Member

    You do not have nothing.. You have SO much. You seem like a genuinely awesome person, and good people are so hard to come by these days.. As for time, some times it may seem like things get worse..but they eventually get better.. time lets you realize that the past is.. exactly that. The past. Things change.. And I'm sorry that your experience with the Church has been bad.. I don't really attend church, but I do have a good amount of faith. I believe God has a plan for everyone.. Even if you don't really see it yet. Things will eventually look up. That's one of the things that keeps me going most of the time.

    So cheer up, at least you're not a meanie-wienie like v1cious. :tongue:
     
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks hun but time wont be for me really.

    i am dying of cancer...
     
  5. helpmeout

    helpmeout New Member

    Well, don't consider that bad.. Look at the bright side of that.. God obviously has a plan.. If you can be so kind and understanding in such a time of need for you.. Well obviously there's something better for you coming. Whether it's now or in another life.. Something good will be coming.. I believe in God.. but I also believe in Karma, and if you do good things.. you'll get rewarded..while people like v1cious here.. Well, they'll have a fun time somewhere else..:rolleyes:

    So.. Just consider life itself as a blessing, and that even more blessings wait after this life. There may be corrupt ministers and such in this life.. but in the next.. there's only greatness, happiness, and.. ice cream?

    :laugh:



    -helpmeout.
     
  6. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    I know what you mean and I agree time heals nothing, I know this all too well. I understand your pain, and I understand your search for love.

    I have been rejected from the homes of so many that claimed they loved me, yet, for the moment I am still here. Only because I find a small measure of comfort in knowing im not the only one out there that feels this way.

    Is that wrong? I dont know, but In a world where Im rejected its nice to know Im not alone...

    I hope you feel the same way, because your not either.

    I also lost my mother, Its hard and I cant tell you if you will ever get over it, I still havnt, but I just want you to know I understand how you feel on that.
     
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Please Susan;

    Go to your local Catholic Church (which you can find on the internet) and ask to speak to a priest. He will be kind and supportive and forgiving to you. I've tried contacting them in your area, but I think they thought I was not serious...so many people joke around with this sort of thing. PLEASE go to your local Catholic Church before you do anything and talk to a priest. He will help you Susan and ask for NOTHING in return...PLEASE do this.
     
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