Times Up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BrokenChaos, Apr 15, 2008.

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  1. BrokenChaos

    BrokenChaos Member

    Ive read some of the stories here and I can sympathize with much that has been said. Some being simple youth issues and some being that which should be looked into.

    For me, it all started when I was 19.... I went from a high academic achiever to a drop out....

    I started going in and out of hospitals at 19.... mainly suicide attempts. Ive ended up in institutions over time and been prescribed so many mind numbing medication, that I would be a literal "couch potato"

    The past 2 years I have found that I can bypass the depression feelings I have, by cutting myself... For me personally, its a great relief, but my arms and chest have the battle wounds that I must carry with me.

    I am 43, bipolar and suicidal. for the past 20 years I have battled with the thought of suicide on a daily basis. I am from Australia and I moved to Thailand, to get away from everything. I am also Agoraphobic, which means that going outside is a chore for me, but for some reason, its not so bad being in a strange country. Sure I can spend a whole day, trying to open the front door of my apt, just to go buy some food and there are still days where I will forsake eating, just purely due to my fear. But this is nothing compared to living in Australia, where things are 100 times worse.

    Im tired now... I have no income.... I have access to things I dont have in Australia :dry:

    My goal was to come to Thailand to make my last stand.... Ive done that now... I have been here 8 months now and think.... "Times Up"

    I know from past experience that I build up to an "attempt" and this is part of the process.....
    I dont think it will happen any day soon... I just know that I have achieved what I set out to do and coming to the end of the road...

    Hope to chat with some of you at some stage :p
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But you aren't at the end yet. Please try letting some of the members here help. Read as many threads as you can and try to recognize members that have fought or are still fighting some of the same issues as yourself. PM those members. You sound so alone in all this. But you aren't. You have at your fingertips from this forum, more people that care and want to help then you'll ever need. Why not use the next little while to see if there are solutions that you may not of thought of yourself. Please hun, try to let someone in to help you.
  3. BrokenChaos

    BrokenChaos Member

    I have no friends, I have nobody at all. Ive been like this most of the 20 years that I have suffered. I have researched much and I have taken steps to get better, which have helped the situation to get me to where I am now... I am close to my goal :p

    In all honesty, I dont feel I want or need to speak to people. I have done that so many times in the past with the only outcome being sympathy. I dont want that and I dont want people to feel that way towards me.

    Ive driven to a deserted place and done the exhaust pipe thing. The only reason it didnt work is that I failed to put enough gas in the tank and the car just stopped (I was 18) Ive done the slicing bit. Ive done the pills and even went into cardiac arrest. I have been in mental institutions and played the suicidal patient bit. But 20 years is a long time to suffer. Its not a bf/gf breakup where time heals... Its a long time of pain....
    I have an iq of 168 and can grasp situations and consequences. I have self control and I have forsight to see what does lay before me. Im not insinuating the intelligence has anything to do with it, just that I am being rational taking into consideration my surroundings and circumstances.

    Take the Japanese for example. Bushido is a respectful way to do things. Its not frowned upon as we would frown upon it. Life or death is more than what religion or politics demand from us. Its a self respect and respect for others. Unfortunately, some people think that its a sin or should be avoided at all cost. I think its just a way to move on. Simple as that :)

    I really want to do this.... Its not just a way out for me... I am not bitter about anything and I have worked hard to distance myself with people over the years. This is a long term plan for me and so far, its all going as it should. Its not a momentary whim.

    Thankyou dear for your thoughts.
  4. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    When I first saw this thread I knew it'd get rather few replies. It's hard to argue with what you say, at least I couldn't figure out anything to say.
    Slightly I recognize the way of working onesself til a "more suitable" suicide-point, the distancing etc. As far as the rest goes there's little resemblance.
    Just a bit curious - you said you did well until age 19 - did something trigger the depression at that point and did the agoraphobia hit later on too?
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