Tired and bored

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by DMBMom, Sep 3, 2014.

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  1. DMBMom

    DMBMom Member

    I'm putting off getting ready to go to the beach with my best friend to introduce myself. I don't really want to go to the beach. Actually, I don't know what I want to do, except sleep. But I can't sleep right now. I have to deal with being conscious. So I will go.

    I've suffered from depression most of my life - on and off, mild to severe. Attempts? Yes. Did the psych ward thing once.

    I could go into details, but when I express them, they all seem petty. I'm 48. My children are grown. I live alone (except for cats.) I've been in a meaningless relationship for about four years. I feel used. I feel like I've been put on this planet to serve others and I am outliving my usefulness.

    I have two jobs - one seasonal. One is sort of a dream job in a field I love. One is a job I hate.

    I used to live for my time off, but I'm not enjoying that, anymore, either. All the stupid little things I do for fun are boring now. I started contemplating suicide again about six months ago. The other day, I found myself talking about my 50th birthday and how, IF I don't<mod edit-methods>before, I will have a big party.

    I've thought about every detail of suicide. I would need to clean first. I don't want strangers seeing the disorder my place is in right now. I would have to make sure the cats had everything they need, in case it takes a couple of days for someone to find me. I even thought of fasting for a few days first. You know, clean out the system so it's not as big of a mess. And, of course, a little note detailing who gets which of my belongings. A very short note.

    And I laugh at myself because, though I am kinda planning the end in the background, I take my vitamins, get enough sleep, drink my water, keep my doctors' app'ts. I've got about a month to wait for my new glasses and I sometimes wonder if I'll be around for them.

    It's probably about time I start on some anti-depressants again, but there are quite a few reasons I don't wanna go there right now, mostly having to do with my job. I realize this kind of depression is not rational, but I've reasoned with myself before and I'm hoping this will pass.

    Death comes to everyone. I wonder why I feel like I'm in such a hurry. Mostly, I wonder how my grown children would handle it and sometimes think of possible ways I could make it happen without it being an apparent suicide.

    I'm tired of stress. I'm tired of humanity. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of worrying. And I'm bored with all my pleasant distractions. But I'm going to the beach. Why? Because I feel like I should because my friend wants me to - story of my life. What do other people want me to do today?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2014
  2. MR Fang

    MR Fang Member

    Welcome. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I know what you're going through; for most of the last year or so, I've gone through the same way and I've only begun to work out of due to some loose semblance of a fluke that has changed my physical being, which is not a permanent solution in the slightest. I wish I could tell you how to get out of it but everyone's situation is in terms of dealing with it and what perpetuates it is different.

    I can't give you a straight answer but you're not alone and it can be overcome.
     
  3. DMBMom

    DMBMom Member

    Hi Mr. Fang. Thanks for the kind words. I saw them last week, but thought maybe spending time here wasn't good for my state of mind.

    It's amazing what a week can do. I've had back problems for a long time, so I had another MRI this week showing what I figured: lots of problems in the lower back. But there was an incidental finding - a mass in my liver. All day, I've been entertaining the remote possibility that my liver is going to kill me.

    And then I realized I had all these other appointments to make. Cancer has been chasing me down in other areas of the body. I've had two surgeries where that's concerned, not including a back surgery for the aforementioned problems. And now I'm thinking that maybe the clock is winding down for me. Strangely, it's put me out of the mindset I've been in for so long. Like, I don't have to end things. Things will end. Somehow. And now I just want to make every moment as fun as it can be.

    Oh, the mind is a strange thing.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Reading your first post I found myself thinking I really understood you - there are demographic differences all over - because 2 of my children are grown and moved away while two live here- I am still married , I do not work do to physical health problems - so nothing in common in that except age and feelings. Mostly that I find myself annoyed rather than excited about things I should enjoy most of the time and that I always feel like the things I am doing are actually to benefit somebody else in some way or another.

    Reading your second post and the physical issues and the ticking down of the clock feeling I felt like I was reading something I wrote. I became very ill a few years ago (because I never bothered with simple things like blood pressure pills in my 30's for the most part) with a chronic and what will be ultimately terminal illness. In my case a took a year of saying why bother at all and very deep depression but then and now I find in the back of the mind the clock is always ticking. It has inspired me I guess you could say to try to make the most of it and while I have my occasions of still saying why even bother with the rest in general I am in a much better mindset overall. I know "it" is coming and likely sooner than later and while some days I look at that thought with relief most days I use it to just remind myself to enjoy and try and do. Is a very strange feeling that I do not think many would understand but if you can use it to try to make the most of things when you can it actually helps to lift the depression instead of be the cause of it and helps to find some small meaning in the things that were annoyances.

    I wish I had some words for you - to inspire or encourage or anything- but I do not except I hope you can "ride the wave" and may the dark days be fewer and shorter lasting and make the most of the good days. I hope you stick around here posting and talking for a bit and that you are able to find some Doctors to help with the depression to keep it at bay and the physical to make the better days as many as possible regardless of th eultimate "when" that in reality none of us know.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  5. MR Fang

    MR Fang Member

    It really makes me happy to know that what little I could do was able to help you, although I'm sad to hear about your troubles.

    I don't know much about your health issues and I wouldn't dare to pretend I know how it feels for a moment. However regardless of when or if the end is coming for you or not, don't let it stop you from living. Give appreciation to your loved ones, do what you enjoy, and seek out the best in your work and if you're having trouble doing that maybe the antidepressant isn't a bad idea.

    There's a major chemical side to depression. I haven't received proper treatment for my issues yet but when I returned to my ADD medication after nearly a year of barely crawling out of bed to anything other than eat and cry, having a jolt of energy and focus gave me a moment of clarity that helped me figure out how to seek help in some capacity.

    Things may seem helpless now but if you can get that one moment of clarity, it might help you in ways you can't even imagine. I do truly wish the best for you.
     
  6. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi after reading your post and replies, I feel encouraged by your mental and emotional strength in the face of various health issues. You seem to be doing your best to cope. I don't know if anyone has already suggested this to you, but have you thought of seeking support groups for some of your health issues? As in I heard there are cancer support groups.

    You love your cats and your children. You are also a kind person - it's somehow in you to serve others, to at least try out the suggestions or fulfil the wishes of others. You are not useless because your sharing has helped me and most probably many more who take the time to read your post and feel along with you, to sincerely want to reach out to you.

    You used the word 'tired' four times in the last paragraph, but 2 seemed to point to somewhat similar things - humanity and people. I feel the same way too. But you have so much more to offer to this world, beyond family, work and cats. Your life experience is your most precious asset. I see possibilties of you sharing as much as you can to touch the lives of others who are feeling the same way, especially those in your age group with grown-up children and are living alone. But of course, only when you are truly willing and ready.

    Keep posting, like the 2 members above and perhaps those who have already read your post but have yet to comment, we truly wish the best for you. Take care.
     
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