I'm putting off getting ready to go to the beach with my best friend to introduce myself. I don't really want to go to the beach. Actually, I don't know what I want to do, except sleep. But I can't sleep right now. I have to deal with being conscious. So I will go. I've suffered from depression most of my life - on and off, mild to severe. Attempts? Yes. Did the psych ward thing once. I could go into details, but when I express them, they all seem petty. I'm 48. My children are grown. I live alone (except for cats.) I've been in a meaningless relationship for about four years. I feel used. I feel like I've been put on this planet to serve others and I am outliving my usefulness. I have two jobs - one seasonal. One is sort of a dream job in a field I love. One is a job I hate. I used to live for my time off, but I'm not enjoying that, anymore, either. All the stupid little things I do for fun are boring now. I started contemplating suicide again about six months ago. The other day, I found myself talking about my 50th birthday and how, IF I don't<mod edit-methods>before, I will have a big party. I've thought about every detail of suicide. I would need to clean first. I don't want strangers seeing the disorder my place is in right now. I would have to make sure the cats had everything they need, in case it takes a couple of days for someone to find me. I even thought of fasting for a few days first. You know, clean out the system so it's not as big of a mess. And, of course, a little note detailing who gets which of my belongings. A very short note. And I laugh at myself because, though I am kinda planning the end in the background, I take my vitamins, get enough sleep, drink my water, keep my doctors' app'ts. I've got about a month to wait for my new glasses and I sometimes wonder if I'll be around for them. It's probably about time I start on some anti-depressants again, but there are quite a few reasons I don't wanna go there right now, mostly having to do with my job. I realize this kind of depression is not rational, but I've reasoned with myself before and I'm hoping this will pass. Death comes to everyone. I wonder why I feel like I'm in such a hurry. Mostly, I wonder how my grown children would handle it and sometimes think of possible ways I could make it happen without it being an apparent suicide. I'm tired of stress. I'm tired of humanity. I'm tired of work. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of worrying. And I'm bored with all my pleasant distractions. But I'm going to the beach. Why? Because I feel like I should because my friend wants me to - story of my life. What do other people want me to do today?