Tired and Done

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jackie227, Jul 14, 2014.

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  1. Jackie227

    Jackie227 New Member

    I hit a real low today. I am tired of living. I have been battling depression and thoughts of suicide for 5 years or so now.

    My job is extremely stressful. I have been so rattled emotionally that I keep making mistakes and it is upsetting. I am concerned that my job is in serious jeopardy. Given that I work so much, I can't even find the time and energy to look for another position that isn't as demanding on my own. I have asked a friend to help me, and she didn't.

    I have had several failed relationships that have taken a serious toll on me emotionally. Each time I think I am OK to date again, fond someone, and it zaps me emotionally. Just ended the most recent relationship and it was severely draining emotionally.

    I have been dealing with health issues that have cause a lot of emotional turmoil. I am barely over 30. I had to have surgery last year for severe endometriosis. Basically, the doctors think I am infertile now. On my most recent visit, my doctor suggested that I freeze my eggs because my condition is aggressive and coming back. I have to take a really harsh medication in an attempt to reulate my condition daily. It cause memory and concentration problems, excessive hair growth, and loss of volume in my breasts. Awesome stuff right.

    I am drained and tired of all of this stuff in my life. I have had low periods in the past and thought of suicide. I manage to fond a way, through therapists, family or friends, to get out of it. Now, I am sick of therapists. I have seen 4. I reach out to family and friends via telephone and chat, but as of late they just don't respond to me. I get frustrated because they only reach out to me when things are REALLY bad. When I am in a lull or creeping up to a breakdown, they just don't respond.

    I am tired of the cycle. I feel like I have tried everything to keep from hurting myself because I know I need help and I can't do it alone. I go to church and sadly, the sermon on Sunday was about death and how everyone is going to die. I feel like it is inevitable that I will succumb to this desire. It just gets stronger with each passing year.

    I guess this is another attempt to get help from SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE. Because I know I am ready to give up. Life is not enjoyable for me and I have more negative and bad feelings than good.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are reaching out here then I hear you and i am sorry you are so low right now dam depression i get how hopeless one feels but you know it is a cycle so just hold on ok
    Hold out here talk in chat or on forum we will hear you hugs
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am glad you posted. I really am. I'm not sure what kind of advice you are looking for exactly as you've mentioned a few issues. Could you take some sick leave from your job as its so stressful for you right now? I'm sorry that people aren't hearing your cries for your help..you say they only respond when things are really bad, could you tell them things are really bad for you right now and that you need them to be there for you? :hug: We are also here for you.
  4. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    I am sorry to read how hard your life is right now. I had very stressful jobs throughout my working life, and ended up having several melt downs. I have not been able to work since 2001. I do get disability, though.

    Please keep posting here and reaching out to those of us who find this site helpful. I am also going through a really bad episode of depression at the moment. I have Bipolar 1, but don't get any euphoric mania. I never feel good. I do find writing about my feelings here help to relieve them. I hope that posting will have the same effect for you.

    Relationships are hard at any time, even when you are not depressed. So keep a positive attitude about yourself. When the time is right, you will probably meet a good person. Try to be hopeful about the future. I also hope your health problems will improve with time. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs, Viv.
  5. Jackie227

    Jackie227 New Member

    I know it is a cycle, and that's why I am so tired. It seems like I have to keep going through this month after month. And part of my frustration with other people is that I don't want them to only contact me when things are bad. Like I need consistent contact and communication. It makes no sense for me to go weeks without getting so much as a callback but once the word gets out that I am really bad, I am bombarded. It doesn't help or make things better and I find myself shutting down completely.

    Right now, my big concern is work. I am not really in a position to take any type of leave given the nature of the work. We are already short staffed and working 70 hours a week.

    I am trying to hold on but I really don't want to. I am thinking....if I get through this WHEN will the next problem arise? I don't feel like it will ever stop. It is a never ending battle for peace but I am losing the war. It can't possibly be this hard to live and be content.

    My health is another issue. The meds exacerbate my emotional condition. This is a known side effect because they are hormone altering drugs. But I seriously cannot take anything less harsh because it won't help.

    I am not only sad but angry. I don't feel like I get the help that I need in dealing with these issues. And it isn't that I ask for the impossible. Just show some genuine concern and help me where you can. But I get simple "I am sorry." I am left feeling alone, miserable, tired, frustrated and angry. I seriously am SICK of this cycle.
  6. Jackie227

    Jackie227 New Member

    Not feeling much better or optimistic today.
  7. Jonsey

    Jonsey Well-Known Member

    Hi Jackie,
    It's hard when we think/know that others don't care. We are here to listen and help. We'll take this one day at a time and find out where you can go to the the proper help you deserve. Hang in there. We can make it.
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