Tired and have just sort of given up on everything
- Thread starter Qwurty2.0
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I've been diagnoses with major depression and possibly Borderline Personality Disorder, which I would rather not tell anyone I know because of all mental illnesses BPD is the most misunderstood. I'm in college and have lost some friends because of my behavior and theirs (but mostly mine), and I could honestly disappear and almost no one would notice anytime soon. I'm mostly an after though to others.
I go through a rollercoaster of emotions where I'm either fine, happy and confident enough to take on the world, or so depressed that I could end it if I could work up the courage. I thought I was bipolar, but a psychiatrist said I don't.
I've attempted suicide twice and have been hospitalized both times. I was abused by my dad and there are strong indicators that I was molested when I was young (not by my dad, I don't think), and I've been on Zoloft, Prozac, and Welbutrin, but they mostly made me groggy and gave me brain fog, which only frustrated me more than I was before them. I've suffered depression since the sixth grade after my parents divorced but it wasn't til my senior year that I told anyone or even really acknowledged it myself. I tried profession help but it hasn't done much and I've basically gone back to dealing with it on my own.
One of the people I told about my depression and suicidal thoughts was a close friend in high school, and while we were friends for a while she avoided the topic and recently told me we aren't friends and I can't seem to fix our friendship. I haven't made too many friends at college because my first few months I was really struggling (I moved out of state and lost contact with my few close friends, including the girl, and stopped taking my meds). College is ending in two weeks and while I'm stressed I'm feeling like I can accept my situation and am content with my grades.
Over the past month or so I haven't felt anything really and have been pulling all-nighters because I can't sleep, only to take 5-6 hour "naps" in the afternoon. Every now and then I break down and start to cry and feel like I could just stick a knife in my throat or do something to just do something. I'm not some emotionless sociopath but all my emotions seem suppressed or dulled and honestly I'm liking having some internal quiet after the last few years of struggling.
I go through a rollercoaster of emotions where I'm either fine, happy and confident enough to take on the world, or so depressed that I could end it if I could work up the courage. I thought I was bipolar, but a psychiatrist said I don't.
I've attempted suicide twice and have been hospitalized both times. I was abused by my dad and there are strong indicators that I was molested when I was young (not by my dad, I don't think), and I've been on Zoloft, Prozac, and Welbutrin, but they mostly made me groggy and gave me brain fog, which only frustrated me more than I was before them. I've suffered depression since the sixth grade after my parents divorced but it wasn't til my senior year that I told anyone or even really acknowledged it myself. I tried profession help but it hasn't done much and I've basically gone back to dealing with it on my own.
One of the people I told about my depression and suicidal thoughts was a close friend in high school, and while we were friends for a while she avoided the topic and recently told me we aren't friends and I can't seem to fix our friendship. I haven't made too many friends at college because my first few months I was really struggling (I moved out of state and lost contact with my few close friends, including the girl, and stopped taking my meds). College is ending in two weeks and while I'm stressed I'm feeling like I can accept my situation and am content with my grades.
Over the past month or so I haven't felt anything really and have been pulling all-nighters because I can't sleep, only to take 5-6 hour "naps" in the afternoon. Every now and then I break down and start to cry and feel like I could just stick a knife in my throat or do something to just do something. I'm not some emotionless sociopath but all my emotions seem suppressed or dulled and honestly I'm liking having some internal quiet after the last few years of struggling.
:hug: my dad abused me a lot too. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Professional help, helps but it's not a cure. It's mainly a support system and it takes time to take effect. It can take years. Thank you for telling your story, I'm sure others can relate to you and your story and keep reaching out! :hug:
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