Since as far back as I can remember I have wanted to die. Before puberty even, I just wanted to leave this world behind. I am not sure why, but every night I lay awake thinking about dying and just wanting life to end. I have had this pain in my chest ever since I was 8 about just not belonging in this world and it has never gone away for a second. My life isn't bad at all from an outside point of view. I have a nice job, a luxury apartment, I own property in other states, a loving girlfriend and most of my family members still living. But i guess you can say, i also never really had love as a child. I didnt know what it was until i got married. I divorce 4 years ago, that was hard, but really the pain I felt made me want to stay alive a little because with the pain came hope of being with her again. That has since faded. I haven't talked to her in 3 years, so there really isn't a chance for that. Back to the suicide thing. I really wish I had an answer for myself. I literally think about killing myself every night. I am in medication, I seek council constantly, I have done homeopathic medicine before and I have even tried just living outside my normal comfort zone. However, at the end of the day, I am back to feeling like I should have never been in this world, like I came to be too early or too late, or maybe I shouldn't have lived through my near death experiences as a child and this feeling I have is the collateral from a path that shouldn't have come to pass. I don't know. Maybe I am just fucked because of the way my brain works. Maybe I am born to just want to not exist but at the same time can't kill myself. I am not sure why but my brain just refuses to process the action of suicide even though it seems to desire nothing but suicide. Fuck.