I am seriously tired and lost. I have got to this point where I no longer know what to do with myself. This lack of knowing is making every day tedious. Absolutely nothing in a long list of various things to try is holding my interest. Mostly I sleep or suffer this terrible boredom that nothing really satisfies. The urge to kill myself has been strong to the point I am getting vivid images intruding on my thoughts. It is like a rehearsal playing out. I have various professionals telling me I am ill, and even have a part time carer now, which feels odd. Everything feels like a fight, even the basics like bathing or getting food. I have not worked in ages and I am no longer doing charitable work. Nothing is consistent in my life, and the time between episodes of depression and mania is getting shorter. I am really struggling with the intensity of the moods and how deep they take me. The mania is blunted but at the price of heavy tiredness. So that just leaves me with the lows. I feel as though it is inevitable that I am going to die soon even with all the support available. I am not functional any more, there is no passion left, so what is the point of existing in a state devoid of quality of life? To exist for the sake of existing just does not feel acceptable. I just want solutions instead of mental pain.