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Tired and Lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by outsidethecage, Jan 10, 2008.

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  1. I'm at a very uncertain point in my life and it scares me and makes me think about suicide. I made the decision to drop out of college when I was actually doing quite well and I only had one year left. One day I just got sick of it and stopped going to class because I didn't see the point anymore. With graduation approaching I still had no idea what I was going to do once I got out and I think that disturbed me. Also, I got my heart broken and it really hurt me badly. After that happened I stopped talking to my friends and spent a lot of time in my apartment drinking by myself. I attempted suicide by overdose but was unsuccesful.

    My friends and family know very little about what has caused me to become so depressed and they are confused and dissapointed. Out of all the kids in my family I was the most capable and intelligent. Or so it seemed. I was the one who was supposed to make something of myself. So far I've failed to live up to their expectations and they are not very happy about it. At the same time they have been more supportive than I expected.

    Still, I feel just as lost and hopeless as ever. Plus now I feel guilty and ashamed about the things I've done. I was given every opportunity and wasted them all. Thinking about the past depresses me. The future is a looming uncertainty and this present moment is pure agony.

    When the pain gets out of hand the blackness inside me whispers of death. I've come up with a new plan which combines a variety of methods. Unless someone finds me I am certain that I will die. If I carry my vision out there won't be any turning back. It will take a while and it will be very painful but I know it will work. If I change my mind during my final moments I won't be able to save myself. It will be too late. The damage will have already been done and it will be absolutely fatal.

    A small part of me clings to the last shreds of hope but my darker half is much more powerful. I've been embracing the ideals of nihilism for far too long, convincing myself with cold logic that there really is no point in continuing this meaningless and hollow existence.

    I'm completely insane. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want or who I am. I'm not contributing anything to society because I can't stop focusing on my own petty suffering. I'm basically worthless. What is the point? Why shouldn't I kill myself?
  2. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    You shouldn't kill yourself because you owe nothing to society. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself. You deserve to be happy. You are capable and intelligent, but that doesn't mean you have to do the "normal" things with it. You can do whatever you want to do with it.

    If college seemed pointless to you, then maybe it really was. I sort of quit my last year of college too, because I had realized that web design wasn't really what I wanted to do for a living anymore. I feel bad that I wasted my parents' money, but I really didn't need that course. And I really don't want to be doing that with my life.

    By the way, intelligent people are apparently more likely to be unhappy.
  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello out...., firstly let me say you are definitely not insane, you have a treatable condition. I can feel the darkness and despair in your words, when the black cloud descends upon us and we slide further into our own personal pit, our thoughts & feelings turn to ways of relieving the pain and suffering.
    Unfortunately at this time all we want is for the pain to stop. There are healthy ways to stop the pain. You can get through this, I realise you will find this difficult to accept right now and that's ok but we need to look at ways to help yourself.
    Would your family and friends be supportive if you were to be honest with them about how you are feeling, could you chose one person and be open with them, they are most likely aware that things are far from right and will be relieved that you have confided in someone.
    My other thought is have you talked to your family doctor yet? If not I suggest you do that as soon as possible, that is the first step to getting the help you need.

    Take care Hazel x
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