Tired and upset

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I cannot tell those around me how I feel, nor can I ignore these feelings, so please excuse me while i vent here. My problems may seem small compared to some, but for me they are too real.

I am 35, male, separated. Feel like I'm 90 though. Been through alot in my life, i cannot list it all here.

I live with my brother who is paralyzed from the chest down. I have been unemployed for 2 years now since moving in with him to help take care of him. If I did not take this responsibility at the time, he would have been institutionalized, and most likely have not recovered. Now he is a bit better, though he will never walk again, he is somewhat stable but with some conditions that require constant medical and moral support.

I had gotten married while in the army, 1991, just after returning from desert storm. While stationed in Texas, my brother had his motorcycle accident. Also, the military life is hard on a spouse, and I suspect an extramarital affair took place. A year and a half later, I took the early out program to move to Florida with my wife. There, we had daughter. After about a year, she decided to move back home to live with her parents. I should have guessed. All she wanted it seemed was a child. I began drinking, heavy, with the only thought of blocking out the pain.

After a few years, I hit rock bottom. Or so I thought at the time. I was living alone at the time, drunk every night. I drank to black out, and did so every chance i got. Felony conviction. After a number of years, I was allowed a visit with my daughter, who was now seven. I missed the entire child life experience that a father should have. Court orders to deal with, even though by this states laws I was abandoned. Property, vehicles lost from lack of her help payments.

That summer, I decided to straighten out, and did so, and have been sober since. I stopped drinking, got a class a drivers license and started driving trucks cross-country, and locally. I did this for a few years, then had to stay at home to live with my brother. Little things like cook, clean, yard work. On and off my ex would contact me, only when she needed me to do something, sign papers or whatever.

Now, my separated wife moves back down. She has brought another child, a son she had with another man, and tries to get back into my life. Had to go to court to fight child support for this child, and won the case. Seems she wanted another child, and since I wouldn't give her one, she went somewhere else to get it. Left that man as well, poor guy.

Now, because she is getting food stamps, I am required to pay support to the state, just because she lives here now. She lives at her parents new house, rent free, and has a job. I live with my brother, rent free, but unable to work full time due to his unstable nature with infections. I live off HIS medical money, (food, gas money). I cannot pay what the state requires, and will lose my drivers license because I cannot pay in time. I lose that, I lose any chance of future work I may have. I know nothing but driving, having done that since I got out of the army. After they take my license it will be next to impossible to find a job, as driving is all I know. Then they will come and take me to jail. I have been told this by the state's representative, so I am not making this up. I have been to prison before, and do not relish a trip back there no matter what the reason.

There are a few more things to add to this list, but I will not, as they are not as important to me. I am just tired, bone tired of going through this again with my ex. I am getting the cold shoulder again now that I have stated I want nothing to do with this other man's child. I have no hate toward the boy, only the mother who acts like nothing is wrong. I am tired of being the one helping my brother, after the only other family member wanted to put him in a state home to die.

I watch the news, see the accidents, plane crashes, and sometimes worse, and I know my life could be alot worse off than it is. I just have to look into my brothers bedroom and see him lying there, never to walk again, and know that.

But I am tired, so awful tired of fighting to stay above it all that it just seems like the only course to take is to end it. I cried for the first time in years yesterday, just broke down and cried like a child. I feel crushed, overwhelmed with no escape.

I don't think I am looking for a response here in this forum, just trying to get my thoughts straight. Thanks for putting up with a tired old man.
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