I have been wanting to write something for ages now, keep coming here, reading, feeling too weak to offer any help to others then decide not to say anything as I feel pathetic and didn't know where to start, still don't, so much to say but even worry people here will think I am pathetic, even though here is the only place I feel understood and empathy. It feels as though my strength, reasons to go on are being chipped away at bit by bit, each year getting weaker and each year terrifies me of what fresh pain it will bring with more things I have to cope with and try to get over. I feel older than 36, more like an old, lonely woman who has lived her life, slowly losing everyone and the good times are long in the past. I feel tired of it and know I have more to lose. I go through constant battles in my head with so many different thoughts, sometimes think how so many have it much worse, watching the news is horrible, but doesn't change how my life feels to me, then I just feel selfish and weak for not being able to cope. I get wound up by people being ungrateful when I help them, I don't do it for a return favour just a thank you would be nice and not a maon about something or making me feel bad about the one positive thing keeping me going saying I am spoilt, then wonder why I bother, easier to just hide away. I can't deal with death, don't care about my own, but losing others is unbearable. I see people cope when they lose their Dad and a few months later be very matter of fact 'it is life' about it when I am still not over losing my kitty 2 years ago. I feel like that pain will be repeating as another kitty has terminal disease and is deteriorating, I am dreading if I have to make that awful decision, he is my life and has kept me here this long. I hardly ever have human company as have been so hurt, abused and let down by so many I don't trust them or feel comfortable around them, then part of me yearns to be with someone, my head is always a contradiction about so many things. I don't believe in god but it feels like someone just waits until I start to cope with one thing or make positive plans or changes then throws another trauma at me to deal with, been like this since 15. I function, I put on the happy, good at my job act, smile for the world, pretend everything is fine, make jokes about the ongoing physical health problems, about my weight as I feel it must bore anyone if I say how unbearable it all is and I just want it to end. I try to talk about hopes, the future and be positive then am made to feel bad about that. I feel like a terrible person when I feel more lonely when old friends who I only have contact with online now get together with someone, the person of their dreams, I feel happy for them but at the same feel I am losing them too, that by them being single I feel I have company (misery loves that). Then I feel like a crap friend and what sort of person thinks that, when in truth I am really happy for them, just wish I had the same. When people ask how I am I either say fine or tell them the truth, one online friend told me suicide is selfish and think of all the pain it causes, they said they had never felt it so didn't understand. I explained that many people here actually are stopped by knowing how much hurt it would cause and that thinking of others is what keeps them here, though many feel people would be better off without them. I was told by my sister that I shouldn't tell our parents how I feel as they worry so much, that I am burden, but they tell me to always tell them and are the only people I can really talk to. I asked my doctor for pills, he refused even though I broke down on him, I am scared of seeing him again or a therapist as had bad experiences with some in the past and just feel they are saying things because they are paid to, feels disingenuous and trite and usually nothing I don't know already. I feel there are so many obstacles to living a normal life, I try to tackle them one by one then more sadness and loss weakens me. I feel like there are not enough years to get through it all and get overwhelmed, losing more and more while fighting just to stay afloat, I feel like I am sinking and if I lose my kitty I won't be able to cope, just thinking about it is making me cry, I cry all the time, I just want the pain and fear to stop. I'm sorry this is so long.