Tired and weak

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Atompilz, Dec 29, 2012.

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  1. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    I have been wanting to write something for ages now, keep coming here, reading, feeling too weak to offer any help to others then decide not to say anything as I feel pathetic and didn't know where to start, still don't, so much to say but even worry people here will think I am pathetic, even though here is the only place I feel understood and empathy. It feels as though my strength, reasons to go on are being chipped away at bit by bit, each year getting weaker and each year terrifies me of what fresh pain it will bring with more things I have to cope with and try to get over. I feel older than 36, more like an old, lonely woman who has lived her life, slowly losing everyone and the good times are long in the past. I feel tired of it and know I have more to lose.

    I go through constant battles in my head with so many different thoughts, sometimes think how so many have it much worse, watching the news is horrible, but doesn't change how my life feels to me, then I just feel selfish and weak for not being able to cope. I get wound up by people being ungrateful when I help them, I don't do it for a return favour just a thank you would be nice and not a maon about something or making me feel bad about the one positive thing keeping me going saying I am spoilt, then wonder why I bother, easier to just hide away.

    I can't deal with death, don't care about my own, but losing others is unbearable. I see people cope when they lose their Dad and a few months later be very matter of fact 'it is life' about it when I am still not over losing my kitty 2 years ago. I feel like that pain will be repeating as another kitty has terminal disease and is deteriorating, I am dreading if I have to make that awful decision, he is my life and has kept me here this long. I hardly ever have human company as have been so hurt, abused and let down by so many I don't trust them or feel comfortable around them, then part of me yearns to be with someone, my head is always a contradiction about so many things. I don't believe in god but it feels like someone just waits until I start to cope with one thing or make positive plans or changes then throws another trauma at me to deal with, been like this since 15.

    I function, I put on the happy, good at my job act, smile for the world, pretend everything is fine, make jokes about the ongoing physical health problems, about my weight as I feel it must bore anyone if I say how unbearable it all is and I just want it to end. I try to talk about hopes, the future and be positive then am made to feel bad about that. I feel like a terrible person when I feel more lonely when old friends who I only have contact with online now get together with someone, the person of their dreams, I feel happy for them but at the same feel I am losing them too, that by them being single I feel I have company (misery loves that). Then I feel like a crap friend and what sort of person thinks that, when in truth I am really happy for them, just wish I had the same.

    When people ask how I am I either say fine or tell them the truth, one online friend told me suicide is selfish and think of all the pain it causes, they said they had never felt it so didn't understand. I explained that many people here actually are stopped by knowing how much hurt it would cause and that thinking of others is what keeps them here, though many feel people would be better off without them. I was told by my sister that I shouldn't tell our parents how I feel as they worry so much, that I am burden, but they tell me to always tell them and are the only people I can really talk to.

    I asked my doctor for pills, he refused even though I broke down on him, I am scared of seeing him again or a therapist as had bad experiences with some in the past and just feel they are saying things because they are paid to, feels disingenuous and trite and usually nothing I don't know already. I feel there are so many obstacles to living a normal life, I try to tackle them one by one then more sadness and loss weakens me. I feel like there are not enough years to get through it all and get overwhelmed, losing more and more while fighting just to stay afloat, I feel like I am sinking and if I lose my kitty I won't be able to cope, just thinking about it is making me cry, I cry all the time, I just want the pain and fear to stop. I'm sorry this is so long.
     
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the pain you're feeling. 80 percent of my life is spent in isolation trying to figure out my past and where I went wrong. Although I have a couple friends, I really don't want to live ten more years, much less five. I have nothing to offer, nothing to say, and my mind is a blank. Basically I drift through life, but I don't have the will to make it richer. All I can say is find strength in something.
     
  3. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Pit I am basically your avatar, I seek my strength and affection from my kitties, my only company. So when something happens to them it affects me far more than for many people with more in their life. I have been called names because of it, get ridiculed and told I could not love them as much as a child, that I haven't known real love because I don't want children etc. Two of them got sick, one seems to be doing OK now but my little man isn't and I am terrified of losing him, he is still young. I get no support. Sometimes I try to see people which lately with one mate just end up feeling worse and don't know why I bother. I sometimes get up the courage to go out, it takes a lot and was supposed to go out Saturday to meet a new crowd but it was cancelled last minute.

    How can there be so many people in the world and so many of us are lonely and feel like this? I see so many people creating problems where there are none, arguing with their partners about absolutely nothing and being horrible to eachother. I feel like shouting at them and shaking them saying how lucky they are to have someone and so much and to stop bitching about nothing.

    I have periods of looking forward and planning for a better life and start to get my hopes up a bit then when a kitty gets sick none of it is important anymore, I would give up everything for them. I know a lot of people here are the same with their pets and understand. People just keep telling me I have to deal with death, like there is a magic way of doing that but I have so little that losing another part of it is just too much to cope with. I start to get over one loss then another comes along to drag me right back down. I am just losing strength to fight and don't want to have to go through it again, I just want to escape and the pain to end.
     
  4. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about the post being too long. Sometimes writing it out helps. Can you get outdoors, go for a walk. Exercise can help too.
     
  5. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    I would like to but one of the problems I have been dealing with is botched knee surgery 10 months ago which has left me hardly able to walk, am in constant pain even when resting. Had an MRI last week so will find out what, if anything, can be done. Is the reason I can't lose weight which isn't helping my self esteem or BDD. I also live in a neighbourhood which is getting really bad, impossible for a woman alone to go out without being harrassed by men on the prowl. I have an opportunity to move to a nice little friendly village within a couple of years where I would feel safe. It was the one thing I was feeling positive about and planning for, then my mate made me feel bad about it making out I am spoilt and have everything handed to me on a plate, which is not true at all. I told her to look at what I have in my life and then look at hers and she told me that I love being alone all the time. It made me realise that even people I thought knew me well don't even see what I am going through or support me in something that could make my life better. Now I just keep thinking that I don't care about getting a new life if my baby boy isn't there with me, all I can think about is him.
     
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