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Tired, just tired

#1
Idk, you know when you just have one of those days and then all the days feel like one of those days. The days aren't bad, not really. I can't say that anything bad has happened in a few weeks. For me that is quite something, unusual even. I am usually fighting fires and solving problems all the time. But at the moment things are simply ok. I am busy, yes, very busy, but I also feel completely flat and empty, no emotion. I get up, I do, I go to work, I do, I come home, I do, I go to bed, I self harm and then it all starts again the next day. I rarely see anyone, speak to anyone other than my husband and I am aware that actually 'I' rarely speak at all. My husband talks to me, I listen, I nod, I don't really talk. It just feels like I am existing through each day.
I have a counsellor. The sessions are being paid for my my work. I am grateful for these but I am aware that she does most of the talking. I have this dialogue which goes on in my head, this pain in my stomach and this pounding in my chest, inside my head is far from quiet, but rarely does anything actually come out verbally.
Today I had hoped to ring someone I could talk to. I could have phoned my care coordinator but I have to make the opportunity to do this. When we get home from work my husband usually goes upstairs for a sleep. That would be my chance, so I thought, but tonight he didn't go. Now he's asleep on the sofa and my care coordinator has gone home. She isn't back in the office until Monday. I considered phoning the Samaritans this morning just so that I could say out loud what is in my head, but I was put down to cover a class for staff absence and my opportunity passed.
I wonder if this is what it is going to be like from now on? I have been fighting things for what feels like such a long time and I am fighting it less now, I feel more like I am drifting and that this is it. I have this constant cloud which hangs over my head, this constant pull to want to curl into a ball and hide. That I simply don't want to 'do' any more. I am just so tired and all I do is just keep going.
I know I have put this onto the forum but don't really expect any replies. At least I am getting some of it out of my head. This strange empty void of nothing mixed with pure exhaustion. Work tells me that I can ask for time if I need it. But I can't. There are so many people off sick or isolating we don't have enough staff in school at the moment, how can I put that onto them? I don't want to be a burden but I don't know if I can carry on. I want to cry but I can't, just empty.
I went through a time when I was talking to a couple of people at work but I have pulled away from them and they haven't come to ask. They don't want to be involved and don't know what to say so I stay isolated. It just hurts. I can't do this any more tonight.
 
#2
It just hurts. I can't do this any more tonight.
Hugs @Holding my breath

Today I had hoped to ring someone I could talk to. I could have phoned my care coordinator but I have to make the opportunity to do this. When we get home from work my husband usually goes upstairs for a sleep. That would be my chance, so I thought, but tonight he didn't go. Now he's asleep on the sofa and my care coordinator has gone home
Do you think you'd be able to tell your husband that you want to have a private phone conversation, and that he should go away? Could you call with a cell phone or cordless phone from inside a car?
 
#3
Idk, you know when you just have one of those days and then all the days feel like one of those days. The days aren't bad, not really. I can't say that anything bad has happened in a few weeks. For me that is quite something, unusual even. I am usually fighting fires and solving problems all the time. But at the moment things are simply ok. I am busy, yes, very busy, but I also feel completely flat and empty, no emotion. I get up, I do, I go to work, I do, I come home, I do, I go to bed, I self harm and then it all starts again the next day. I rarely see anyone, speak to anyone other than my husband and I am aware that actually 'I' rarely speak at all. My husband talks to me, I listen, I nod, I don't really talk. It just feels like I am existing through each day.
I have a counsellor. The sessions are being paid for my my work. I am grateful for these but I am aware that she does most of the talking. I have this dialogue which goes on in my head, this pain in my stomach and this pounding in my chest, inside my head is far from quiet, but rarely does anything actually come out verbally.
Today I had hoped to ring someone I could talk to. I could have phoned my care coordinator but I have to make the opportunity to do this. When we get home from work my husband usually goes upstairs for a sleep. That would be my chance, so I thought, but tonight he didn't go. Now he's asleep on the sofa and my care coordinator has gone home. She isn't back in the office until Monday. I considered phoning the Samaritans this morning just so that I could say out loud what is in my head, but I was put down to cover a class for staff absence and my opportunity passed.
I wonder if this is what it is going to be like from now on? I have been fighting things for what feels like such a long time and I am fighting it less now, I feel more like I am drifting and that this is it. I have this constant cloud which hangs over my head, this constant pull to want to curl into a ball and hide. That I simply don't want to 'do' any more. I am just so tired and all I do is just keep going.
I know I have put this onto the forum but don't really expect any replies. At least I am getting some of it out of my head. This strange empty void of nothing mixed with pure exhaustion. Work tells me that I can ask for time if I need it. But I can't. There are so many people off sick or isolating we don't have enough staff in school at the moment, how can I put that onto them? I don't want to be a burden but I don't know if I can carry on. I want to cry but I can't, just empty.
I went through a time when I was talking to a couple of people at work but I have pulled away from them and they haven't come to ask. They don't want to be involved and don't know what to say so I stay isolated. It just hurts. I can't do this any more tonight.
Wish I could help but you sound just like me....I an tired too. Very, very tired of putting on this act. I get up waiting for the day to end. Not sure about you, but I was not always like this. Do not want to die but this is not living.
 

Sunspots

Pffffeckn amazin
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
I'm sorry. Things must be really tough working in schools at the moment which is probably not helping.

Does your husband know you have a care coordinator? Would it matter if he knew you were phoning? Easier said than done though, I get that. I tried not to let my husband know when I phoned my CPN as it made me feel uncomfortable, I didn't want him to worry. Maybe you could ask your care coordinator if she has an email address you could use - I'm sure she'd understand that phone calls aren't always possible.

I know it's hard right now with lockdown but could you plan something for the weekend with your husband? Just some time for the two of you. Cook a special meal and choose a film to watch together. Something different to break up the monotony.

*hug
 
#5
@Sunspots
You’ve got some good suggestions. I will ask for her email address. He does sort of know I have a care coordinator but I don’t know if he fully understands what her role is. We have fallen back into the pattern of denial that anything is wrong. It’s almost as if he goes along with my deceit while I pretend to be ok to carry on as normal. The furthest we go is me acknowledging that I’m ‘not good today’. He is part of the pretence, the daily act.

School is very isolating. Teaching behind masks and distancing from the kids, it’s not teaching. In fact it’s everything you were trained not to do when you did your teacher training.

Asking fir my care coordinators email address is a good idea. I will ask on Monday. As for the doing something special at the weekend, apart from a trip to the dump, nothing is planned but time together sounds like a nice idea.

Having been so exhausted all day, I got to gone on
Two in the morning and still cant sleep. Absolutely typical of me!
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#6
Good to see you are going to the sessions. Do you have any ideas on how to be able to speak up more in the sessions? If you want to, that is. It sounds like you aren't too happy with the way they are currently going.

That I simply don't want to 'do' any more.
Definitely understand this feeling. It might be one of the most devastating types of feelings.

Work tells me that I can ask for time if I need it. But I can't. There are so many people off sick or isolating we don't have enough staff in school at the moment, how can I put that onto them?
I've found myself thinking this before at previous jobs. There are always 1 or 2 or 4 reasons for me to not take off. Then I ended up burnt out, in a mental health crisis, and quitting. I won't blame that situation entirely on my not taking time off, but I think using more time off would have been helpful. Funny thing about the world is it will carry on withour your help. It may not be ideal. But it will carry on. Please use this opportunity to take time off for self-care if you need it.

*hug10
 
#9
Wish I could help but you sound just like me....I an tired too. Very, very tired of putting on this act. I get up waiting for the day to end. Not sure about you, but I was not always like this. Do not want to die but this is not living.
I get you. I've felt the same for months. The only way I can get through each day is to try to suppress my feelings and emotions and distract myself and just wait for the day to end and hope the next one is better, keep going until one day things are finally better but it feels like that day is never coming. It's tiring and it's not a nice way to live like you said
 

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