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Tired, just tired

#1
Idk, you know when you just have one of those days and then all the days feel like one of those days. The days aren't bad, not really. I can't say that anything bad has happened in a few weeks. For me that is quite something, unusual even. I am usually fighting fires and solving problems all the time. But at the moment things are simply ok. I am busy, yes, very busy, but I also feel completely flat and empty, no emotion. I get up, I do, I go to work, I do, I come home, I do, I go to bed, I self harm and then it all starts again the next day. I rarely see anyone, speak to anyone other than my husband and I am aware that actually 'I' rarely speak at all. My husband talks to me, I listen, I nod, I don't really talk. It just feels like I am existing through each day.
I have a counsellor. The sessions are being paid for my my work. I am grateful for these but I am aware that she does most of the talking. I have this dialogue which goes on in my head, this pain in my stomach and this pounding in my chest, inside my head is far from quiet, but rarely does anything actually come out verbally.
Today I had hoped to ring someone I could talk to. I could have phoned my care coordinator but I have to make the opportunity to do this. When we get home from work my husband usually goes upstairs for a sleep. That would be my chance, so I thought, but tonight he didn't go. Now he's asleep on the sofa and my care coordinator has gone home. She isn't back in the office until Monday. I considered phoning the Samaritans this morning just so that I could say out loud what is in my head, but I was put down to cover a class for staff absence and my opportunity passed.
I wonder if this is what it is going to be like from now on? I have been fighting things for what feels like such a long time and I am fighting it less now, I feel more like I am drifting and that this is it. I have this constant cloud which hangs over my head, this constant pull to want to curl into a ball and hide. That I simply don't want to 'do' any more. I am just so tired and all I do is just keep going.
I know I have put this onto the forum but don't really expect any replies. At least I am getting some of it out of my head. This strange empty void of nothing mixed with pure exhaustion. Work tells me that I can ask for time if I need it. But I can't. There are so many people off sick or isolating we don't have enough staff in school at the moment, how can I put that onto them? I don't want to be a burden but I don't know if I can carry on. I want to cry but I can't, just empty.
I went through a time when I was talking to a couple of people at work but I have pulled away from them and they haven't come to ask. They don't want to be involved and don't know what to say so I stay isolated. It just hurts. I can't do this any more tonight.
 
#2
It just hurts. I can't do this any more tonight.
Hugs @Holding my breath

Today I had hoped to ring someone I could talk to. I could have phoned my care coordinator but I have to make the opportunity to do this. When we get home from work my husband usually goes upstairs for a sleep. That would be my chance, so I thought, but tonight he didn't go. Now he's asleep on the sofa and my care coordinator has gone home
Do you think you'd be able to tell your husband that you want to have a private phone conversation, and that he should go away? Could you call with a cell phone or cordless phone from inside a car?
 
#3
Idk, you know when you just have one of those days and then all the days feel like one of those days. The days aren't bad, not really. I can't say that anything bad has happened in a few weeks. For me that is quite something, unusual even. I am usually fighting fires and solving problems all the time. But at the moment things are simply ok. I am busy, yes, very busy, but I also feel completely flat and empty, no emotion. I get up, I do, I go to work, I do, I come home, I do, I go to bed, I self harm and then it all starts again the next day. I rarely see anyone, speak to anyone other than my husband and I am aware that actually 'I' rarely speak at all. My husband talks to me, I listen, I nod, I don't really talk. It just feels like I am existing through each day.
I have a counsellor. The sessions are being paid for my my work. I am grateful for these but I am aware that she does most of the talking. I have this dialogue which goes on in my head, this pain in my stomach and this pounding in my chest, inside my head is far from quiet, but rarely does anything actually come out verbally.
Today I had hoped to ring someone I could talk to. I could have phoned my care coordinator but I have to make the opportunity to do this. When we get home from work my husband usually goes upstairs for a sleep. That would be my chance, so I thought, but tonight he didn't go. Now he's asleep on the sofa and my care coordinator has gone home. She isn't back in the office until Monday. I considered phoning the Samaritans this morning just so that I could say out loud what is in my head, but I was put down to cover a class for staff absence and my opportunity passed.
I wonder if this is what it is going to be like from now on? I have been fighting things for what feels like such a long time and I am fighting it less now, I feel more like I am drifting and that this is it. I have this constant cloud which hangs over my head, this constant pull to want to curl into a ball and hide. That I simply don't want to 'do' any more. I am just so tired and all I do is just keep going.
I know I have put this onto the forum but don't really expect any replies. At least I am getting some of it out of my head. This strange empty void of nothing mixed with pure exhaustion. Work tells me that I can ask for time if I need it. But I can't. There are so many people off sick or isolating we don't have enough staff in school at the moment, how can I put that onto them? I don't want to be a burden but I don't know if I can carry on. I want to cry but I can't, just empty.
I went through a time when I was talking to a couple of people at work but I have pulled away from them and they haven't come to ask. They don't want to be involved and don't know what to say so I stay isolated. It just hurts. I can't do this any more tonight.
Wish I could help but you sound just like me....I an tired too. Very, very tired of putting on this act. I get up waiting for the day to end. Not sure about you, but I was not always like this. Do not want to die but this is not living.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
I'm sorry. Things must be really tough working in schools at the moment which is probably not helping.

Does your husband know you have a care coordinator? Would it matter if he knew you were phoning? Easier said than done though, I get that. I tried not to let my husband know when I phoned my CPN as it made me feel uncomfortable, I didn't want him to worry. Maybe you could ask your care coordinator if she has an email address you could use - I'm sure she'd understand that phone calls aren't always possible.

I know it's hard right now with lockdown but could you plan something for the weekend with your husband? Just some time for the two of you. Cook a special meal and choose a film to watch together. Something different to break up the monotony.

*hug
 
#5
@Sunspots
You’ve got some good suggestions. I will ask for her email address. He does sort of know I have a care coordinator but I don’t know if he fully understands what her role is. We have fallen back into the pattern of denial that anything is wrong. It’s almost as if he goes along with my deceit while I pretend to be ok to carry on as normal. The furthest we go is me acknowledging that I’m ‘not good today’. He is part of the pretence, the daily act.

School is very isolating. Teaching behind masks and distancing from the kids, it’s not teaching. In fact it’s everything you were trained not to do when you did your teacher training.

Asking fir my care coordinators email address is a good idea. I will ask on Monday. As for the doing something special at the weekend, apart from a trip to the dump, nothing is planned but time together sounds like a nice idea.

Having been so exhausted all day, I got to gone on
Two in the morning and still cant sleep. Absolutely typical of me!
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#6
Good to see you are going to the sessions. Do you have any ideas on how to be able to speak up more in the sessions? If you want to, that is. It sounds like you aren't too happy with the way they are currently going.

That I simply don't want to 'do' any more.
Definitely understand this feeling. It might be one of the most devastating types of feelings.

Work tells me that I can ask for time if I need it. But I can't. There are so many people off sick or isolating we don't have enough staff in school at the moment, how can I put that onto them?
I've found myself thinking this before at previous jobs. There are always 1 or 2 or 4 reasons for me to not take off. Then I ended up burnt out, in a mental health crisis, and quitting. I won't blame that situation entirely on my not taking time off, but I think using more time off would have been helpful. Funny thing about the world is it will carry on withour your help. It may not be ideal. But it will carry on. Please use this opportunity to take time off for self-care if you need it.

*hug10
 
#9
Wish I could help but you sound just like me....I an tired too. Very, very tired of putting on this act. I get up waiting for the day to end. Not sure about you, but I was not always like this. Do not want to die but this is not living.
I get you. I've felt the same for months. The only way I can get through each day is to try to suppress my feelings and emotions and distract myself and just wait for the day to end and hope the next one is better, keep going until one day things are finally better but it feels like that day is never coming. It's tiring and it's not a nice way to live like you said
 
#12
The title of this thread is spot on for me today. Sunday night before the start of a full on week and I feel exhausted. But already I’m struggling to switch off. My thoughts are noisy in my head but I can’t really work out what I’m thinking. Just the occasional wave crashing over me wanting to find oblivion to make it all go away.
I can’t though, not if I am thinking logically, somehow I have to keep going. But the future scares me that every day will be like this. Everyday a day to get through, a day to survive, a day of working and doing and never anything to look forward to or relax with or to raise my head above the water and stop the drowning.
Tonight I want to slip into oblivion and perhaps fantasise about taking my life. Picture the peace and quiet and the calm. Take myself through it step by step. It’s dangerous but it’s what I need to do.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#13
Life is a battle the moment you're born. And the only person you are ever really battling is yourself.
Your thoughts are the enemy, they play the same thing over and over again for years on end sometimes, it gets to the stage where we get so used to them that it just becomes the same old familiar ground that we grow accustomed too.

The way out is the same way you came in, when we were toddlers and then children we haven't yet learnt the way of the world, things were equally as bad in the news, people were still all self obsessed, and spiteful things were said to us that to a large degree we let go over our heads.
But getting older and starting to understand the world better, and understanding that a lot of people are just plain selfish and living life with blinkers on, well. this just starts to shape the thoughts that get us all lost and numb within ourselves.

So you need to try and go backwards, in a way back to a child again and kind of ignore all the bad stuff out there, focus on yourself and remember everything and everybody around you just can never be right if you are not right.

Do things which you once enjoyed doing and even if they are things that you have not done since you was a kid.
I'm not on about bouncing down the pavement on a space hopper (though you could do that if you want to)
I'm on about things you once did and gave no thought to anything else as you did them.
Recognise the thoughts when they come along and fight them, tell them you're not listening because you deserve better than they make you feel, after all this is an internal fight so you're the only one that will only be able to do this. Recognise them, challenge them, and beat them. Slowly they will fade away but it takes work.

Sorry if my spelling and grammar is not to clever, I didn't go to school much.
I was to busy wandering around in the countryside lol.

Go easy on yourself and take care!
 
#14
The title of this thread is spot on for me today. Sunday night before the start of a full on week and I feel exhausted. But already I’m struggling to switch off. My thoughts are noisy in my head but I can’t really work out what I’m thinking. Just the occasional wave crashing over me wanting to find oblivion to make it all go away.
I can’t though, not if I am thinking logically, somehow I have to keep going. But the future scares me that every day will be like this. Everyday a day to get through, a day to survive, a day of working and doing and never anything to look forward to or relax with or to raise my head above the water and stop the drowning.
Tonight I want to slip into oblivion and perhaps fantasise about taking my life. Picture the peace and quiet and the calm. Take myself through it step by step. It’s dangerous but it’s what I need to do.
I could have written this....I am sorry that I am of no help but just know that you are not alone....
 
#16
Thank you @ib4uib It's an interesting thought to go back to childhood and remember what is was like to be oblivious to what we now know as adults.
I'm on about things you once did and gave no thought to anything else as you did them.
Those times when I don't recall thinking about anything in particular. Perhaps I did and I don't remember it but as a toddler and small child that level of innocence. I have watched young children playing (not in a creepy way!) and almost been jealous of their innocence and unfiltered happiness. It is of course not like this for all children but as you say we all start out with this potential the moment we are born. I do have to say though I like the idea of going down the road on a space hopper. Perhaps my goal for today!

Recognise the thoughts when they come along and fight them, tell them you're not listening because you deserve better than they make you feel, after all this is an internal fight so you're the only one that will only be able to do this. Recognise them, challenge them, and beat them. Slowly they will fade away but it takes work.
This I do better some days than others. Some days I welcome the thoughts and prefer to surround myself rather than fight them. But I will try. I think the hardest thing is that, as you say, we are the only ones who can do this. I think that is the hardest part. I am often looking for someone to save me, someone to swoop in and take it away. I am wanting someone to come and take the medication that I misuse away from me so I can't use it but they want me to be strong enough to do it myself. I can understand why, but what if I don't want to. Today all I can say is that I will try. I don't guarantee how much success I will have because the logic is telling me I should but I don't know if the soul is willing.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#19
Thank you @ib4uib It's an interesting thought to go back to childhood and remember what is was like to be oblivious to what we now know as adults. Those times when I don't recall thinking about anything in particular. Perhaps I did and I don't remember it but as a toddler and small child that level of innocence. I have watched young children playing (not in a creepy way!) and almost been jealous of their innocence and unfiltered happiness. It is of course not like this for all children but as you say we all start out with this potential the moment we are born. I do have to say though I like the idea of going down the road on a space hopper. Perhaps my goal for today!

You're also watching young children develop all kinds of issues later in there lives as well. That one kid who just doesn't fit in for example, however hard they try to be part of the group. You have a better eye than the rest though , don't see all of this as a miserable experience, use it as a positive to change the outcomes for so many kids who will be sat on here in 20 years wanting to end it all.
Everything happens for a reason, this could be your reason!





This I do better some days than others. Some days I welcome the thoughts and prefer to surround myself rather than fight them. But I will try. I think the hardest thing is that, as you say, we are the only ones who can do this. I think that is the hardest part. I am often looking for someone to save me, someone to swoop in and take it away. I am wanting someone to come and take the medication that I misuse away from me so I can't use it but they want me to be strong enough to do it myself. I can understand why, but what if I don't want to. Today all I can say is that I will try. I don't guarantee how much success I will have because the logic is telling me I should but I don't know if the soul is willing.
All we can do is try, the thing is if the thoughts are causing you great distress and everything you have tried so far is not working. Then it is never going to work.
I'm not saying that challenging the thoughts will immediately alter everything, it's a bit like learning to walk all over again. Get up and keep falling down, after a good while it starts to get a little easier.
But again, though this sounds really hard to do, you can monitor your progress by making notes. Who knows, maybe in a couple of years you could write a step by step book of how to get out off this pit so many people fall into.

OR
Go and but that Space hopper, at least it will burn some energy off, and let's face it, a lot of this is about energy we have within us that we are not releasing, except for looping over and over every thing in our minds. Which to be honest is a complete waste of the energy!

This vid may help explain some things better. Have a watch of it before bed!


 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#20
It might be. It might not. Sending you strength to deal with it either way.


I'll try to remember some positive or neutral things I did as a kid. The negative things come to mind more easily.
They will though, everything negative will flood in, none of us would be sat on a suicide forum if we were in a positive frame of mind.
The battle is to remember the positive things, every time the negative thoughts overwhelm you, you have to push them out and stick to the finding the positives.
Slowly it all turns around. Not quickly. But it does turn around if you start internally fighting back for the complete control of your life.
It's everybody else's fault we are like this, you're taught to walk and talk, then told to sit down and shut up. We try and help people as kids and end up getting bullied ourselves for it.
You go to work, and get abused by people in power who think they own you for 8 hours of every day. You're surrounded with BS governments who really don't care about anybody because they are all controlled by the elites.
People put you where you are, so you say 'f*ck em' and you fight back. You don't have to be rude, you just have to stay focused on taking back the control.
The same control you had at points in childhood.

That's the battle!
 

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