This is a bad time of year. Everything is reminding me of things I would rather forget from long ago. I’m scared to sleep because of nightmare-flashbacks. I wake up some days and honestly don’t know who or where I am, as if I’ve been somewhere or someone else. I don’t always wake up in bed either :-/ I don’t have any professional support atm. It’s been three months since I saw my psych nurse because he seems to have other priorities – people with more serious problems. He’s cancelled so many appointments, often without any notice (just not showing up), and then when I try to rearrange I have to chase him for days or weeks… I’m embarrassed by the one-sided text messages I’ve sent, or how often I’ve called the hospital trying to get a reply. I feel like I’m a nuisance. My psych nurse seemed so enthusiastic with regards to helping mentally and helping me to keep my apartment back in March but he’s done nothing since then except for one appointment in June. I don’t even know if I’ve done something wrong, because we never meet now I work for another website for depression/mental health as a super/tech-admin, and I’ve committed many hours to the site. I’ve committed 8-10 hour days at times. Over the four months of the summer I’ve worked with a good friend of mine and felt we were doing some good. In the last two weeks since the owner has been back I’ve been yelled at and cursed at in phone-calls, and both myself and my friend have been constantly insulted. Part of me thinks we did some good in those four months, but part of me feels beaten down by the fact that I can’t even sign in now without seeing someone hurt or without being attacked myself. I was even blamed for purposefully reducing the site’s publishing revenue. Overall it seems like a confirmation of my general uselessness. As stupid as it sounds, I lost my only pet last week after a few weeks of illness and I feel more alone now. It sounds pathetic but I don’t have any local friends and my family are split into those who I don’t want to know and those who simply don’t think I’m worth knowing. Company is hard to come by. I’ve been thinking of methods – one in particular – recently. It seems like a simple solution that would resolve a lot of people’s problems. If anything I think I’m a coward for not having already employed it. I’m a drain on anybody who takes the time to talk to me, on society, and I’m a general failure regarding my life. I don’t see a contingency where my life is of benefit to anyone, or where things will work out.