Tired, Nothing Left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawkHood, Oct 7, 2014.

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  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    This is a bad time of year. Everything is reminding me of things I would rather forget from long ago. I’m scared to sleep because of nightmare-flashbacks. I wake up some days and honestly don’t know who or where I am, as if I’ve been somewhere or someone else. I don’t always wake up in bed either :-/

    I don’t have any professional support atm. It’s been three months since I saw my psych nurse because he seems to have other priorities – people with more serious problems. He’s cancelled so many appointments, often without any notice (just not showing up), and then when I try to rearrange I have to chase him for days or weeks… I’m embarrassed by the one-sided text messages I’ve sent, or how often I’ve called the hospital trying to get a reply. I feel like I’m a nuisance. My psych nurse seemed so enthusiastic with regards to helping mentally and helping me to keep my apartment back in March but he’s done nothing since then except for one appointment in June. I don’t even know if I’ve done something wrong, because we never meet now :(

    I work for another website for depression/mental health as a super/tech-admin, and I’ve committed many hours to the site. I’ve committed 8-10 hour days at times. Over the four months of the summer I’ve worked with a good friend of mine and felt we were doing some good. In the last two weeks since the owner has been back I’ve been yelled at and cursed at in phone-calls, and both myself and my friend have been constantly insulted. Part of me thinks we did some good in those four months, but part of me feels beaten down by the fact that I can’t even sign in now without seeing someone hurt or without being attacked myself. I was even blamed for purposefully reducing the site’s publishing revenue. Overall it seems like a confirmation of my general uselessness.

    As stupid as it sounds, I lost my only pet last week after a few weeks of illness and I feel more alone now. It sounds pathetic but I don’t have any local friends and my family are split into those who I don’t want to know and those who simply don’t think I’m worth knowing. Company is hard to come by.

    I’ve been thinking of methods – one in particular – recently. It seems like a simple solution that would resolve a lot of people’s problems. If anything I think I’m a coward for not having already employed it. I’m a drain on anybody who takes the time to talk to me, on society, and I’m a general failure regarding my life. I don’t see a contingency where my life is of benefit to anyone, or where things will work out.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 7, 2014
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    None of this sounds stupid and I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly and that you are being so taken for granted. I understand of course that you are trying to help people but there comes a point where you have to think about yourself - if this other site is causing you to feel so badly, at an already difficult time, and you cannot seek support there, it might be time to step away. At least for a time.

    You should not feel bad about seeking help - I am sorry the UK mental health system has let you down so badly (though I cannot say I am surprised). Do not stop pushing, calling and texting. You are not a nuisance you are taking responsibility for yourself and seeking help. It is the right thing to do - please do not give up.

    You are not a drain and you are not a failure. You are worth a great deal. I looked to see if you were in chat, but you weren't. I would have come to talk to you without hesitation. My PM box is always open to you - always. Please try not to think awful untrue things about yourself.

    Stay safe and I hope to see you soon :hug:
     
  3. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I'm a fake :( You know, that's what it comes down to. I act like I'm helping someone or doing something good, but I'm a complete hypocrite because I can't even help myself. I sometimes chat to people as though everything's a joke; but I barely make it through each day, and I only do so because other people support me and hold me up and pay the price for my existence. I have no right to take that. I'm a fake, hollow shell of a worthwhile human being.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi,

    What's happening to you on that other site only confirms that the owner of the site doesn't know how to treat people. I'm sure you've done a lot of good there, and the fact this person is ranting and raving at you has nothing to do with you. You and this other person put in your time at this site and don't deserve to be treated that way by its owner.

    You aren't a fake, and it's okay to need other people in order to get by. Most of us have been there at one time or another.

    Here if you ever feel like talking. :hug:
     
  5. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    It's not just the other site... it's everything I made a feeble attempt to accomplish. You can place a fat "fail" mark next to almost everything. I don't really get why I continue to try and prove wrong the idea that I am worthwhile. In fact, I shouldn't bother any more. Every day I carry on is another failure, and another day that I take advantage of some very good people who care. Their time could be better spent.
     
  6. I'd like to say that not only does that not sound stupid.. when we lost our dog some years back, it practically tore me apart inside. It was an excessively painful time for me, for months. I loved her as much as any human - she was just such an awesome dog. Of course some are more animal lovers than others, and I think even certain specific pets sorta connect more with you than others.. but she seemed awesome with just about anybody, and certainly me. Smart, energetic, juts wanted to play, nice soft fur (I liked that) and so loving and gentle to everyone. You'd go to give her a treat and she push her mouth towards you slowly and take it so gingerly so she would never hurt anyone.

    And if you feel as bad as I did, about your pet.. and on top of the other stuff going on, you can't be having much fun, to put it lightly.

    That part sounds pretty close to familiar here.. But you can actually help others even if you're not necessarily helping yourself. I think it's probably just generally harder that way, but I don't think that make you hypocritical. If you can help someone else, it great, even if you can't seem to help yourself at the moment.

    Maybe not much help, but maybe at least a little perspective..?

    All the best.
     
  7. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    Thanks, Tranquility, I appreciate the perspective. I've always had pets of various sorts and do get very attached to animals -- I intended to be a vet before I somehow ended up in neuroscience :/

    I can't really talk about how close I came to my "method" this week without detailing it... I guess I've pulled back from the edge a bit, for now. I just have a horrible feeling that it won't last for long. I had a depressing appointment at the dentist today where I was told I have to have my lower premolars extracted (not entirely my fault seeign as I've been waiting for a year to actually see someone) and the nHS won't pay to bridge either of them because that would be solely "cosmetic." It sounds stupid but given my self-image and the anxiety I had before even going to this appt. it does add to my feeling crap.

    I'm meeting someone I've known online for the first time tomorrow and over the weekend and as much as it should be a distraction I'm really worried about sounding neurotic (how's that for a self-fulfilling prophecy) And just generally coming across as a complete idiot, stammering and stuttering and doing/saying all the wrong things. Whenever I meet someone I feel liek it must be so obvious what a stupid failure I am and how inept I am, like I'm just waiting for them to see through it.

    I've been texting my psych nurse each day this week and haven't had a single reply. It's been nearly three months since he saw me now. I'm obviously not worth his time or something. I feel pathetic for making so many attempts.
     
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