tired of being alive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dark anthems, Dec 23, 2006.

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  1. dark anthems

    dark anthems Member

    hello, I'm a 34yo male and new here. I plan to kill myself in January. I have a history of suicide attempts, severe depression, and have been diagnosed with several personality disorders, including anti-social, borderline, avoidant, and narcissistic.

    I'm a loner, compulsive liar, severely impulsive, and live in fantasyland 99% of the time. I cannot get close to anyone, whether for sex, friendship, or anything. I was sexually-abused several times as a kid, and other than some emotional neglect from my parents, my childhood was pretty "normal" I guess. I suffer from bouts of crying, feelings of frustration and being trapped, but more often violent rages. my anger is always directed at myself, as I scream at myself, frothing at the mouth, and hit myself. sometimes I'll ram my head into walls, slap myself, pull my hair, or hit myself with objects. I also like to slash my chest, legs, and upper arms with butcher knives.

    I've been on countless meds, attended every type of counseling there is, and stayed at counseling hospitals. nothing has helped me. I'm tired of the psychobabble and the whole psych and drug industry. I'm just sick of being alive. I hate myself and I'm tired of dealing with me. I'm exhausted and cannot cope any longer. at this point, I feel suicide is just the best option. I just can't see any other option. it's the only way out.

    I think the reason for my current suicide desire is the financial mess that I'm in. I entered a debt consolidaton program, but my minimum monthly payment excedes what I can live on, so I'm in need of a second full-time job or I'll be sued by my creditors. I've had zero luck finding another job. I've applied everywhere, from fast-food to convenience stores to general labor to janitorial, to no avail. I cannot live on the street as I have no street smarts and wouldn't survive. I have until the end of Jan to find another job. if I do not, I'm going to kill myself. I already have everything I need to do it. I've made several practice runs at the method I'm going to use, which will involve helium gas.

    the thing is, even if I wasn't in financial ruin and debt, I think I'd still plan on killing myself. as I stated above, I just hate myself and so sick of being alive. I'm not happy, never been happy, and don't think I'll ever be happy. so fuck it. the only pleasure I get is temporary, like from masturbation, binging on food, and taking long drives (I've put so many miles on my car and wasted so much money I don't have on gas, it's ridiculous).

    thanks for reading my rant
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    hey, well, i´m here if you want to talk. i´ve seen you have pass from a lot, and that you came here dessesperatly to look for any reason to stay alive. am i right? pm me at any time.besides you still young. you don´t need to killyourself becase you haven´t time. money goes and come back, it doesn´t matter. give us a chance to try to help you, what can you lose?
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 23, 2006
  3. Ixtab™

    Ixtab™ Member

    hey, im pretty much in the same financial situation as you right now...ive been sitting on my ass for over a year doing nothing an letting my father pick up the billz...i hate myself for this an i wish to take the burdon of myself off him. You've still got some motivation in you and obviously part of you wants to turn this around, keep putting out resume's and hopefully soon you will find the job your looking for!! We never really fail in life until we kill ourselves. To me this is the only real 'failure' in this world and your still here so you have not given up yet. This shows that you do want to live no matter how small it is inside you. I really hope you decide to not cave in from the weight of this world...you've lived 34 years and i believe you can change your life if you really put your mind to it...Hang in there an good luck!!!

    p.s- i also spend large amounts of money and put many miles on my car just to drive around in circles for hours. Driving is almost like therapy to some ppl and you should not feel bad for doing it.
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. i am glad you joined us and want to get help. If you would like to talk you may PM me whenever. You have been htrough a lot and it is good to let people help.
  5. Dan

    Dan Account Closed

    Great rant! I heard a wonderful line in vanilla sky . . . "Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around". Tell the creditors to go fuck themselves and have yourself a great Christmas!

  6. dark anthems

    dark anthems Member

    just an update. no luck on the 2nd job search and debt is mounting. don't have any material things to sell or pawn. asked for a small raise at my day job and they said no way. I've been cutting bad lately. my arms and chest look like a roadmap of scars. thankfully it's winter and I can hide with longsleeve shirts. got a court summons from two of my creditors. my plan for the end of Jan is defintely a green light. I bought 2 helium tanks and other gear. my depression and emotional state is so bad lately I feel like I'm hallucinating. when I toss and turn at night in bed I swear I've felt a hand squeeze my shoulder...maybe it's god trying to comfort me heh.

    MOMMYOF3 Member

    I know exactly how you feel only I hide the true extent of the debt from my husband. I know he would hate me if he knew the truth. I just want to die so he and our children can start over without having to deal with me.

  8. aquinas

    aquinas New Member

    if your debt is unmanageable, have you thought about bankruptcy? It might help you.

    Your suffering will cease and fade some day soon, I hope, and you will find some peace.

    the voice ended: they saw his plae visage emerge from the darkness, his hand on the rock of eternity unclasping the book of brass - Blake, Book of Urizen.
  9. dark anthems

    dark anthems Member

    thanks for the replies...sincerely.

    I found a part-time job cleaning office buildings in the evenings. it will only supplement my full-time income by $380 a month, but at least it's something.

    my financial mess is really just one stressor in my life. I guess I use it as an excuse to ignore the more major issues, like my cutting and self-hatred and constant desire to end my life.
  10. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I admire your tenacity and hard-working attitude. I really hope it works for you!
  11. Cluster

    Cluster Active Member

    You have so many complications. It's good that you are trying rather than sitting on your butt feeling hopeless. I really hope you find a job and find a way that will work for you.
  12. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I see that you found a job, good luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2007
  13. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I hear your pain....but at least you are working...not all of us can say that....
    you are holding 2 jobs when I cannot even get one.
    I started this new thing. Make a list of things you are doing to make things better; a list of things in your life that are GOOD; a listof your pain.
    It helps to see it on paper.
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