Tired of being alive...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shi, Jun 11, 2007.

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  1. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    I am 20 years old, I have these suicidle feelings for 5 years now...When I turned 19 I decided I am going to kill myself about the age of 35. I just wanted to give me a last chance.
    However, I keep asking myself why I have to live this life. I did not wish to get born, I did not wish tosee the light of this world.

    People keep on controlling me in this world. That is what I hate so much. So I want...It wasn't on me to decide that my mother gave birth to me, but I can decide when I want to die. I told my mother that I won't die when nature allowes it, but rather when I feel I for it. So I keep on living, knowing that one day, I will die by my own hand...

    Sometimes...even though I am surrounded by beauty, birds singing, flowers blooming, sun's shining...it makes me sooo sad. I often think I cannot go on like this, I cannot whait til the age of 35. I have the feeling that something tears my heart apart...I wish to give up, I cannot live up to these expectations, I am tired of fighting.

    My whole life is so...When I was about the age of 12 I wanted to be like a machine, cold without feelings. I forced myself not to feel joy, or love...the only feeling I was allowed to feel was pain... Still, the only thing today that makes me really happy is pain. I controll everything, my smile, my words, my facial expression...yesterday I was laughing and at the same time I hated myself for this...

    When I see a <Mod Edit: Abacus21-triggering> whatever....I always think what it would be like to <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - triggering> have come to accept that wherever I am I will never feel contentment, or real joy. There is no way that a pyschologist can free me from this...I already tried so many times...

    I live in my own world, a world that does not exist in reallity. Sometimes I look upon the sky and I feel a desire to fly a why. Take a spaceship and fly fly far away, mabye finding new worlds and new civilzations. I am just tired of being alive in this world as the person I am.

    anway it was good to write this down....
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2007
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    What happened at 12 that made you want to turn all your emotions off?
  3. universalguide

    universalguide New Member

    Welcome to life! I'm really fucking tired of being alive and will probabbly kill myself soon because i just really dont care anymore, i still feel love hate joy sadness ect. ect.. but im in a constant state of shit where it feels like ive had my soul ripped out. I'm 19 as well, how do you not know you might meet a guy/girl and fall in love start a family and be quite happy by 35? as good as the plan sounds time has the influence on us and im sure from 12 to 19 you have had many reasons to stay alive because otherwise i wouldent be talking to you.
  4. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hope you will realize that life is worth living before you might try to end your life. Please feel free to tell us more in detail what happened at age 12 and after what made you wanting to cut your emotions off. Were here for you and hope we might be able to make you feel a bit better :hug:
  5. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    I am female.

    For some reason, I know it won't happen...I really hate children...I despise
    them. If I am surrounded by them, I get this feeling..I would like to harm them. Maybe..I guess it has something to do with my past.

    And I am not able to love someone. Well let's say I cannot love any human being...my animals...that is perfectly alright. During my childhood I have seen what love does, so I swore myself to never love anyone. To love...you need to be able to trust, to have positive feelings... I am only about destruction, hate and anger. I never learned how to trust...everyone is suspicious.

    Well, it didn't really happen with 12. It happend all my life long. My parents got divorced when I was about 3... children were the first to show me how bad this world is...When I was 12, I was sitting in front of the TV watching a really violent film. I guess this was the moment where I decided that no one ever again should hurt me. I thought that only If I was without any emotions I could be strong. As a child, I started with Material Arts, I wanted to become a fighter, a warrior, I wanted to kill those who had hurt me in anyway, and still I would like to do it. I find only peace in war, hate, anger,negative feelings...anything that has to do with pain, torture and so on...I know I am probably sick in my mind, but I don't see how a psychologist could ever help me...I went to 12...none of them could.

    Why I did not commit suizid yet? I was close to it, many times... I just thought, I would give myself a little bit more time, to see how things would work out, but now... I am not sure If I want to wait another 15 years.
    If I did not had to live in this world, everything would be alright. I whorship all the evil you can find...nevertheless the only thing I want is freedom.
  6. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    Hm, why 35 instead of say, 33 or 38?

    Sounds like a lot've people've hurt you :( Can totally relate to the anger and desire to turn off your emotions. Felt that way for much of my life. Though maybe you're not only about destruction and hatred? You love your animals after all :D Out of curiosity, what animals? I'm a cat person myself.

    Anyway, take it easy :)
  7. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    Well, why 35? I dunno...could be 33 or 38 as well...Just mid 30s seemed to be perfect. Not to young and not to old.

    I can love animals, since they are perfect to me. They are here when I need them....they always make me smile. Yeah I love my cats above all and my dog as well. They are so sweet, doesn't matter what they do.:laugh:

    Maybe that is another reason why I could not yet give up. I promised to never leave them alone. I always keep my promise.
  8. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    I agree with you, Shi. Emotions are preventing people from leading peaceful lives. I am 19 years also, and throughout my childhood I've always tried to suppress my feelings; always tried to control them. I could sit and watch some comedy show on TV and force myself not to laugh. I could decide that I was going to have one facial expression thoughout a day and then walk around not changing, regardless of what happened around me. Today I'm incredibly skilled at wearing my mask - no one ever really knows how I feel (if I ever feel anything) for I disguise and manipulate everything within me.

    I guess I do this because, like you, I've observed what feelings do to people, and just hated it. I dislike people who can't control their impulses, who are slaves under desire, who have mood swings and so forth. And love? Love is misery in every aspect of the word. And love dies, like everything else.

    I find it peaceful to be cold and emotionally numb. It's serene and very soothing.
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