I am 20 years old, I have these suicidle feelings for 5 years now...When I turned 19 I decided I am going to kill myself about the age of 35. I just wanted to give me a last chance.
However, I keep asking myself why I have to live this life. I did not wish to get born, I did not wish tosee the light of this world.
People keep on controlling me in this world. That is what I hate so much. So I want...It wasn't on me to decide that my mother gave birth to me, but I can decide when I want to die. I told my mother that I won't die when nature allowes it, but rather when I feel I for it. So I keep on living, knowing that one day, I will die by my own hand...
Sometimes...even though I am surrounded by beauty, birds singing, flowers blooming, sun's shining...it makes me sooo sad. I often think I cannot go on like this, I cannot whait til the age of 35. I have the feeling that something tears my heart apart...I wish to give up, I cannot live up to these expectations, I am tired of fighting.
My whole life is so...When I was about the age of 12 I wanted to be like a machine, cold without feelings. I forced myself not to feel joy, or love...the only feeling I was allowed to feel was pain... Still, the only thing today that makes me really happy is pain. I controll everything, my smile, my words, my facial expression...yesterday I was laughing and at the same time I hated myself for this...
When I see a <Mod Edit: Abacus21-triggering> whatever....I always think what it would be like to <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - triggering> have come to accept that wherever I am I will never feel contentment, or real joy. There is no way that a pyschologist can free me from this...I already tried so many times...
I live in my own world, a world that does not exist in reallity. Sometimes I look upon the sky and I feel a desire to fly a why. Take a spaceship and fly fly far away, mabye finding new worlds and new civilzations. I am just tired of being alive in this world as the person I am.
anway it was good to write this down....
However, I keep asking myself why I have to live this life. I did not wish to get born, I did not wish tosee the light of this world.
People keep on controlling me in this world. That is what I hate so much. So I want...It wasn't on me to decide that my mother gave birth to me, but I can decide when I want to die. I told my mother that I won't die when nature allowes it, but rather when I feel I for it. So I keep on living, knowing that one day, I will die by my own hand...
Sometimes...even though I am surrounded by beauty, birds singing, flowers blooming, sun's shining...it makes me sooo sad. I often think I cannot go on like this, I cannot whait til the age of 35. I have the feeling that something tears my heart apart...I wish to give up, I cannot live up to these expectations, I am tired of fighting.
My whole life is so...When I was about the age of 12 I wanted to be like a machine, cold without feelings. I forced myself not to feel joy, or love...the only feeling I was allowed to feel was pain... Still, the only thing today that makes me really happy is pain. I controll everything, my smile, my words, my facial expression...yesterday I was laughing and at the same time I hated myself for this...
When I see a <Mod Edit: Abacus21-triggering> whatever....I always think what it would be like to <Mod Edit: Abacus21 - triggering> have come to accept that wherever I am I will never feel contentment, or real joy. There is no way that a pyschologist can free me from this...I already tried so many times...
I live in my own world, a world that does not exist in reallity. Sometimes I look upon the sky and I feel a desire to fly a why. Take a spaceship and fly fly far away, mabye finding new worlds and new civilzations. I am just tired of being alive in this world as the person I am.
anway it was good to write this down....
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