Tired of being alone...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fieldsOfSarrow, Nov 13, 2008.

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  1. i am a married male about 35-36 somewhere in there i guess. average in just about all accounts.

    i just have ideas, lots of ideas. i guess i am just a hopless dreamer cause even if i have an idea for some cool app and actually get it built nothing ever comes of it. i try to get help w/ building the apps but no one wants to contribute, don't know if it's cause they don't get it or what, maybe it's just because i am so stupid and the idea is as well.

    i have published some poetry, mostly via some contests etc. i have a creative mind but what is the point?

    the point is there is just no point to creating if no one can use or appreciate what is created.

    i have been suicidal seems like forever. have been depressed nearly all my life, been to drs but they give me drugs that make me worse and won't listen and out here in the middle of tenn the choices are limited. have to drive freaking 100 miles round trip to see one as it is.

    can't move cause i own my house, cant just walk away from it cause it would kill what credit i do have, can't sell it cause nobody is buying and it would cost too much to fix up anyway. stuck in this black hole of technology and being a tech worker is just freakin stupid here.

    i talk and people don't listen. i see shit commin but do people listen? nope, i'm just a loser, so what do i know right? Don't they realize that the people that are on the outside looking in do indeed pay attention? what, just because they are so wrapped up in themselves doesn't mean i am. (well except for right now i guess as i am bein all "pity me" and all that shit...)

    so i guess i should really get to the point, eh? well here goes:
    those of you that have really commited to ending it, i ask this: you know that feeling when you have gotten your shit together and you have committed yourself to getting it done, you know that feeling of releif almost peace you get? that, i don't know how to eloquate this properly, that nearly zen feeling? you know just before you get caught / stopped and the guilt kicks in cause you know that you are hurting those that do care about you?

    why can't we keep that peaceful feeling? why can't we be u know able to exist in the strife of this world and be able to stop and get that feeling without having to just give up? why do we have to feel the pain of being alone cause nobody frickin understands us before we can get that feeling?

    why does the rage, pain fuckin insensiate pain have to frickin come fuckin back..@!
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling so stuck...this economy is truly hurting so many ppl...we will listen here if you continue to want to post...also, PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I just moved to a town that has therapists, but until recently, it was a 130 mile drive each way for a session. Sometimes we did phone sessions. A psychiatrist came to the town 50 miles away one day a week. Being out in the middle of nowhere can be really peaceful and ideal, but there are times when you need something or someone, and the drive doesn't seem worth it. I'll tell you that the drive was worth it lots of times. It kept me alive, if not sane. I couldn't do a weekly session because of the distance, but did what you might consider doing - alternating sessions in town with phone sessions. Once you get used to it, talking things out on the phone gets easier.

    From reading the little you wrote, you're obviously an intelligent, creative person. Maybe you could put your intelligence and creativity to work just taking care of yourself. Sometimes, you have to be your #1 priority.

    Keep talking to us here.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey feildsofsarrow,
    Do you know there is a subforum here that people who are creative go to so they can share with others who have the same feelings. They exchange poetry. Why not post on it. You aren't alone in this struggle called life! Everyone here are fighting it. Some like myself just get by day to day because of our irrational thinking. I'm not saying it is easy but it helps alot just talking here on the forum and knowing noone is judgeing you. Take care of yourself, and keep in mind we are here to help in whatever way we can!!~Joseph~
  5. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    Where do you live? I live in South Texas. Wish I was anywhere else.
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