i am a married male about 35-36 somewhere in there i guess. average in just about all accounts. i just have ideas, lots of ideas. i guess i am just a hopless dreamer cause even if i have an idea for some cool app and actually get it built nothing ever comes of it. i try to get help w/ building the apps but no one wants to contribute, don't know if it's cause they don't get it or what, maybe it's just because i am so stupid and the idea is as well. i have published some poetry, mostly via some contests etc. i have a creative mind but what is the point? the point is there is just no point to creating if no one can use or appreciate what is created. i have been suicidal seems like forever. have been depressed nearly all my life, been to drs but they give me drugs that make me worse and won't listen and out here in the middle of tenn the choices are limited. have to drive freaking 100 miles round trip to see one as it is. can't move cause i own my house, cant just walk away from it cause it would kill what credit i do have, can't sell it cause nobody is buying and it would cost too much to fix up anyway. stuck in this black hole of technology and being a tech worker is just freakin stupid here. i talk and people don't listen. i see shit commin but do people listen? nope, i'm just a loser, so what do i know right? Don't they realize that the people that are on the outside looking in do indeed pay attention? what, just because they are so wrapped up in themselves doesn't mean i am. (well except for right now i guess as i am bein all "pity me" and all that shit...) so i guess i should really get to the point, eh? well here goes: those of you that have really commited to ending it, i ask this: you know that feeling when you have gotten your shit together and you have committed yourself to getting it done, you know that feeling of releif almost peace you get? that, i don't know how to eloquate this properly, that nearly zen feeling? you know just before you get caught / stopped and the guilt kicks in cause you know that you are hurting those that do care about you? why can't we keep that peaceful feeling? why can't we be u know able to exist in the strife of this world and be able to stop and get that feeling without having to just give up? why do we have to feel the pain of being alone cause nobody frickin understands us before we can get that feeling? why does the rage, pain fuckin insensiate pain have to frickin come fuckin back..@!