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tired of faking it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alisonishopeless, Mar 18, 2014.

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  1. I feel like I can't go on...I have tried so hard to "fake" my happiness to no avail. My life ended the day my fiance died in a car accident 18 months ago. He was the love of my life...the best part of me. I am nothing now. I have lost almost everything since his death...now I am on the verge of being homeless. I have lost my job and have no income...my son has abandoned me and refuses to speak to me because I wouldn't accept his drug use...now I truly have nothing. No family no job and soon I will have to go live in a shelter ...my friends don't understand how dire my situation is and it is embarrassing to say it out loud. Death seems the easy way out. I am never going to be loved again...I will never have the things I had before...I have lost so much in the last 18 months I am never going to recover...I have list everything...if I did kill myself I probably wouldn't be discovered for months...its over for me
  2. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    Im so sorry to read you post and hear your sadness- it sounds like your world is falling apart- can you tell your friends whats going on? maybe they can help- can you get professional help? maybe it can help things from getting worse and help you connect safely with your son. sorry to sound trite. although i dont know how you are feeling i do know how it feels to feel helpless and hopeless and feel like you cant go on. i wish you well.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so deeply sorry that your fiance died. What a horriffic loss. My sincere condolences. When I read your story a thought came to mind. I have feelings of shame around my circumstances. So do the 2 surviving family members,around my circumstances. The question that I had was this. I have had to confess time and again my circumstances. As embarassing as they are. I hear you saying you are too embarassed to say out loud how bad things really are.

    But if you do not say it how can it begin to change? I am not suggesting that you will heal from this loss. But I am talking about getting help and support from friends and professionals. And perhaps even getting on disability until you ARE able to work again. Grief counseling, medication. And help to get on disability so you can be financially able to live until you can better function again. And yes, even with such a great deep loss, being able to function again and resume working is an absolute possibility for the deeply bereaved.

    This is a very good community. I am glad you are here. Please continue to post. As much as you want. People here understand suffering. I can understand why you say that death seems the easy way out. And I do agree. Although I long for it also. I do believe it is not an option for me. Even though I long for it. One reason it is not an option is that more often than not attempts fail. But it can result in physical damage to organs etc. which makes life much more challenging than before.

    Drugs have stolen your son. For now. But some day he may well get free from the drugs. And he will probably need you to be alive. I cannot imagine how it hurts and even frightens you right now. I hope with all my heart that he finds his way back from the drugs. And that you will be there, alive for him when he does.

    Have you thought about filing for disability? First step is to have a psychiatrist. Then contact an attorney who specializes. I do hope you will speak out loud your circumstances. Just as you have started to do here. Again, I am so very deeply sorry for your tremendous loss. Please do keep posting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2014
  4. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    Allison, I am so very sorry for what you have lost. I wish there were something I could say or do that would help ease things even just a little. I'm dealing with loss, too. and it's like the heart is literally breaking. I don't know how these things work, but if in some way we are all connected, I send you my best wishes and hopes...
  5. Thank you all for your kind words and your suggestions. I wish I could go to my friends, however, most feel that I should be better now and not be in so much pain. But seeing them with their significant others is painful..and although I try to fake it, either they see right thru it and shy away, or they don't...and then I think how shallow are they to not see how much it is killing me that my friends have their loves and I have nothing...i have been avoiding everyone and have been home alone all day and night. I am terrified now that I have to find a job and I am getting evicted. I have no insurance so doctors are inaccessible also my fiance was in a crash with our car, so I have no transportation. I have to walk everywhere or take the bus...I hate having to explain all of this..
    It reminds me how impossible my situation is and how much of a loser I am. I wish I wasn't so afraid of dying...but I am becoming more afraid of living..now that I am alone..there seems like there is no point...I wish that the answers were out there but they aren't. Nothing is easy. I had a great life, now its gone forever..I mean why continue...I will never get it back
  6. Thank you all
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 18, 2014
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