Tired of feeling this way

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lacrithium, Aug 22, 2010.

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  1. lacrithium

    lacrithium New Member

    So this year, I'm taking major exams that will decide which university that I can go to. The stress level is high, parents are pressurizing me (I'm Asian) and I can't talk to anyone. My best friend can only help so much but I'm on my own most of the time. I was diagnosed with depression two months ago, and my parents believe that the diagnosis is wrong.

    They have no idea what I'm going through, and i can't tell them because they always belittle my problems. My father only cares about my studies. My mother shows more concern for me but I still can't get through to her. My elder sister doesn't bother. My parents quarrel frequently and my dad always takes it out on my sister and I. Not physically but verbally.

    Asian parents all share the same trait. They focus on studies and nothing else. They will pressurize you and keep pushing you to get the A's on that report card, but what they don't know is that the stress is enough to kill us. A student from my school committed suicide last year. She was two years my junior.*

    I'm an arts student. In my country, arts students don't make it far. Math and science is very important, and I always fail them. So where can I go? Nowhere. My future is bleak, my parents aren't rich enough to send me overseas to study. So basically I have no future. I'm not even good enough to attend an arts school. My parents always say that studying can make your dreams come true. But what if studying is killing me?

    *I have a boyfriend, we have been dating for almost a year. It was ony recently that he told me he has a split personality disorder. He would hurt me unintentionally and he makes it very hard for me to continue being with him, but I really love me and I know he does too. But he makes me feel terrible when he pushes the blame to me and I cry so often that I don't even know if I can cry anymore.

    I'm quite frail, I fall sick often. When I do, I have to miss school, and my absence rate is high. The teacher called and told my mom that they would barr me from taking my final exams if my attendance is below 75%. Even if I take the exams, I go nowhere, cos they prefer the science students. Since I have no future, why not end my life?

    I have suicidal thoughts often. I've attempted to take my life once, but it failed. I have no future here, my family doesn't care and no one understands me or even tries to understand.*

    Thanks for reading this, it's the first time that I've ever been able to speak up about my struggles with suicide.*
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are being pressured so much to succeed beyond your limits I know how terrible hard it is for you . Is there not a councillor you can talk to at your school Your doctor can he not order you some meds for your depression. so many asian students do as the young one did Youwould think their parents would learn to stop the badgering Marks are not important what is important is your character your kindness to others maybe you can get into being a councillor yourself and help other asian people deal with this pressure that is being put on them. I hope by posting here releasing the pain a bit you can continue to reach out okay don't keep the pain bottled up inside KEEP VENTING okay and know people care here and understand and people her listen and don't judge anyone. You have to make your own path okay only you without the pressures i hope you can do that find what makes you happy and go for that. When you are old enough making money leave and explore okay live your world not theirs.
     
  3. lacrithium

    lacrithium New Member

    Hi violet, thanks for replying. Yes, there is a counsellor in my school but she can't help me much. The doctor wanted to refer me to a psychiatrist, but my mother declined and said that it's unnecessary. I didn't get any anti-depressants either. All of us are resigned to our fate, some people can cope with stress better but others can't, and that's why the suicide rates are going up.

    My boyfriend just texted me saying that we should take a break. I'm really upset, I don't know why, and I'm having thoughts of suicide again. He used to be the one that I can rely on, he was my best friend too, but now it's like he doesn't care anymore. He knows I have depression but it seems like he doesn't think much of it, like my parents. I'm really tired of crying and I'm sick of life. Sick of having to study so hard and slogging when I don't even get rewarded in the end.
    I really wish I could just die right now.
     
  4. Shift_Existence

    Shift_Existence New Member

    Hey lacrithium,
    I've felt like theres nothing left for me in this world anymore for me, but its the realization that you know there's something else out there, and trust me there is. You may think now that you cant feel better, you may feel like theres no point. Hell I feel that way now, but listen to me when I tell you things DO get better. Give it time, do yourself a huge favor and prove your parents wrong. Mine left me, as much as it pains me to this day I'm glad they did. Parents arnt perfect, often they teach their kids how their parents did to them, or how they wanted their parents to treat them. I'm such a stronger person after walking alone for a while than I would have been living with them. Every body has potential and I can tell you do too, take some time (In a happy mood and setting) and find what excites you. Whats gonna make you happy in life? I hated school, I sucked at it and never went, but I did graduate barely because I knew some education is needed. I skipped out on college because I knew it would waste my money and time even if I went. Today I get 33,000 a year roughly, I live on my own, have nice things and 2 cars to myself, I love installing for Comcast, it makes me happy even though theres plenty of people out there that could buy my world with the cash in their pocket. Find yourself perhaps college isnt right for you(But dont leave it without thinking hard about it), it wasn't for me and now I'm ten times happier than my friends who are enrolled. Don't let yourself fail you, thats the biggest part. This isnt about trying to please everyone who surrounds you, just please yourself. If that means moving away from the parents and starting a job that may not make you rich but can support you and keep a smile on your face, I say go for it.

    Hope this helps,
    Tony
     
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