For a good two years I've been going through up and downs. my life is not bad by any means, I was never abused physically, I think everyone has been abused emotionally by someone in their life, I've been depressed since 16, my best friend moved, I quit school, me and my only serious girlfriend broke up after almost a year and a half ( long time for such a young age ) I got some changes for assault and was drinking almost every day. after I got put on probation I stopped smoking and drinking for a long time. I got my ged and a job. things were looking up. things were going Good. hung out with friends still no girl in sight but that was alright. about 6 months ago everything started going downhill again my dad is on his way out, my mom takes care of him so she doesnt work. income is limited. I'm sad about my dad but the worst part is his mind is not right so he will ask the same question over and over and it makes me mad. to the point where I don't want to be home. and I want to spend time with him and it kills me how I am. I treat everyone like shit because I always feel like shit. I could be totally wrong but all I see is my side till I look back and see how wrong I am but yet I don't change I have no real desire to. it's weird I see I'm wrong, I see I'm being a dick but I don't change. I got a car when I turned 18 in Nov ( already been 5 months wow time just keeps flying the last 2 years is just blurs) I caught up with a old friend and started smoking again which actually helped alot. But it got to the point where I was always high I quit the day before 420. And now it's miserable again. I started drinking again but quickly quit. I was blacking out everytime. For about 2 to 3 months I haven't been able to eat. Like I'll go all day and then eat once before sleep. It's not that I want to. Just as soon as I take a bite my throat closes up. Ive lost almost 40 lbs in that time. Which is good but I'm doing it the wrong way. At least people say I look good now. All I've thought about on and off for two years is suicide. Me and this girl recently started talking. She's great. But if I can't be happy alone I can't be happy with her. I'd like to talk to her about this but it would scare it. Why should I involve her. I'm thinking about ending it that way she doesn't get wrapped in it in case I actually were to do it. She sweet I don't want that to happen her. I got Less then a handful of real friends but I don't want to get to deep with them for they might worry. And no family to talk to except my brother but I fear he will want to commit me. He knows I have thoughts about it and so do my friends but no one knows the true deph it goes. I feel like I'm taking to my self. I feel like there is no purpose for my life. I feel like I'm basically liveing just for other people but most of all I'm just tired of feeling I almost wish I had no emotions. I've been crying myself to sleep most nights. My parents kicked me out two days ago and then they asked me to come back. And I did. And as much as I love them I can't stand being here one more night. I hate my job. And all I want to do is be happy but even when things are good my mind won't let me. I sound like a bitch right now. But it's how I feel. I mainly just wish I had someone to talk to that felt the way feel. Sorry for any misspellings I'm using my phone. Im willing to try anything that can help even a small bit.