Tired of Hating Myself; Just Tired

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by unionfalls, Feb 16, 2014.

  1. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Tired of sleeping three or more times a day, but never for more than three hours at a time. Tired of waking up and feeling such hate for myself. Tired of wanting to cry and let it all out, but unable to do so. Tired of isolating myself , but I am such an emotional drain on others. Tired of being emotionally immature.
    Tired of being so needy and running when things are difficult. Nothing horrible has ever happened to me, so why am I so F***ed up. I hate the thoughts I have and the medication only goes so far and I am tired of it all. Tired of staring at my door and wanting to go out but too afraid to make a move. So tired of being around me. Tired of being selfish and self centered. And on and on and on. So tired of myself.
     
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :freehug:
     
  3. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Thanks Twocky61. I was just wallowing in my head. Very much appreciated.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Does not sound like wallowing - sounds like you are looking at your situation and identifying things you would like to be different which is a great way to start a plan for getting yourself into a better situation. :hug:
     
  5. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you NYJmpMaster. Thanks for SF so I can get a better handle on my situation. Much appreciated.
     
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Hey, firstly, I've seen your reply to my post in the substance abuse section, and I thank you for it :) Secondly, I can relate to the whole sleeping thing. I can't say I only sleep for a few hours at a time, but most days all I want to do is just go to sleep because my life seems so boring and monotonous most of the time. I used to go to bed at like midnight/1AM, but now by 9PM or so, I'm just utterly tired of having to be awake and conscious, and I find myself looking at the clock every 20 minutes, waiting for 11PM to come, so I can go to bed. My husband always freaks out at me for going to bed early, so I have to wait 'til at least then if I don't want to have to hear his bitching about that. Usually I sleep for like 10-12 hours a day, and it would probably be more than that if weren't for my husband, like I said. It's possible that that will start to kind of change since I'm probably getting a job soon, but I know it's because I'm depressed and doing nothing with my life as of this point, except rotting away with less and less desire to do anything about it. But at this point I kind of have to, so that's why I'm doing the whole job thing. Maybe if you started looking for a job or going to school or something, you'd be able to occupy your time better also, instead of just sleeping? 'Cause I mean, of course, if you're just sitting at home all the time, you start to feel like everything is pointless and "why the hell am I even bothering staying awake?". And it doesn't even have to be one of those two things, you could also try out a hobby, like going to the gym for an hour a day (this worked for me at one point), or whatever else you like. Also, nothing "horrible" has to happen for anybody to feel that way, but depending on your definition of horrible, maybe it did at one point and you just don't realize it. For instance, I thought the same thing for a while, until I realized that my childhood was pretty horrible. I never got raped or physically abused or anything like that, but my mother and pretty much the rest of my family were emotionally and verbally abusive narcissists, and it happened to screw me up pretty good. It doesn't just have to be one traumatic event that makes someone mentally unstable, it could be a combination of many different things. And whatever it was that caused your depression (or whatever else you have), you don't ever have to think that it's not a good enough reason or that someone else's reason is a lot better. You have a right to feel the way you feel, whatever the reason, and you deserve just as much care and help as anybody else.
     
  7. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Thank You very much for the reply. I appreciate the suggestions as well. Getting a job will definitely help and I am attempting to work on that. Due to the severity of this recent depression and suicidal thinking I had to drop out of school. Partially because I am currently having trouble concentrating but mainly because of that evil round and round of negative feelings and thoughts. I think or feel them and the more I do the more they are reinforced. Even though I do not feel good about doing things of interest to me, I am trying to at least make the attempt to do so. I feel bad about coming on this site but it helps me to get out of my thoughts and feelings. The more that I am able to share comfort/support/hope with others here, I am hoping that I will be able to turn some of that towards myself. I am also continuing to work with a doctor and my psychologist. Thank You again for your response. Just having people respond gives me hope and all advice is welcome. :thank_you::thankyoukiss:
    I hope you are well today as well.
     
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    If you felt depressed while you were going to school, maybe it's because you want something else in your life that was missing? Maybe it would help to make money and feel more self-sufficient and be able to do whatever you want with that money? Or maybe you're just bored with the same daily routine and improving your social life and starting to go out to more places with more people would help. Or in my case even I didn't like what I was going to school for a couple of times and had to change it. I've dropped out of school quite a few times myself in the past. Once, like i said, was because i didn't really like my major, second time was because despite being able going to school I had absolutely nothing else going for me...no money, no friends, no new experiences of any kind, just the same old bullshit...school, home, home, school...and the third time was because of drugs, which was definitely my own fault.
     
  9. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you AsphyxiateOnMisery.
    I appreciate the advice and suggestions. Unfortunately I have to figure a way to live life with depression. It is somewhat triggered by outside influences, but mainly from my own inner hate/dislike of myself. I had an opportunity for a very good job with the post office and declined it to go to school. I dropped out of school after the 9th grade and last spring was my first time trying to improve myself through education since then. It took me 4 years of being sober to get the courage just to attempt this improvement. I, of course, need to be working as my image of my self worth is tied to my ability to support myself, and not depending on others. The isolation issue is mainly caused by the feeling that at some point I will always hurt those that I am close with(which is true), and that makes me feel worse of course, so I withdraw from normal social activities. In the last week or so I have made more progress on getting out, attempting friendship, and even applied for a job last week. I am tired of making small progress and than always having the uncanny ability to wreck that progress. The medication has be taking a greater effect lately so my ability to look at things more clearly is improving(somewhat), but I still sink drastically some days. Today is one of those days. :(
    Thank you for your reply and concern, I appreciate it.