I'm thinking about overdosing tonight. I'm pretty sure I have enough meds. It would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. I have a therapist and psychiatrist I could call. I have friends who support me. A family that tries to love me. A partial scholarship to start at a college i'm really excited about. I've come such a far way. Yet here i am, not particularly depressed, but thinking about ending my life.
I just moved out of a residential program about a month ago. it's been a rough transition. i'm living in a student housing building, where only one other person knows i have issues. i feel alone. a lot of traumatic memories have been bothering me- being sexually touched by my dad and feeling violated even though he wasn't trying to hurt me- how invalidated i was after i was sexually assaulted at age 14- an emotionally abusive relationship- harassment- etc.
I'm just feeling kind of numb. I've been dissociating a fair bit. I feel alot of self disgust/shame. I lost a friend to suicide in Feb. who i knew through my residential. another girl from the residential who i didn't know took her own life about a month ago. it hit so many people so incredibly hard. i don't want to hurt anyone, but i dont want to hurt anymore either.
I took myself to the emergency room last monday night because i was really suicidal and just spent the night. i dont want to do that again, because its scary going alone (my parents live in another state and i dont have many friends) and because i have been inpatient 11 times in the past 3.5 years so i know what its like. I get a lot worse and often try to kill myself when i'm in the hospital, which makes them put me in seclusion where i freak out and want to die more. also, the last time i was inpatient they seriously considered committing me to a state hospital... that would be very very bad news, so i can't get hospitalized any more. i just can't.
Did i mention I don't want to die? I don't want to die. but i want to end my life. I don't understand myself. I feel so alone.
-Megan
I just moved out of a residential program about a month ago. it's been a rough transition. i'm living in a student housing building, where only one other person knows i have issues. i feel alone. a lot of traumatic memories have been bothering me- being sexually touched by my dad and feeling violated even though he wasn't trying to hurt me- how invalidated i was after i was sexually assaulted at age 14- an emotionally abusive relationship- harassment- etc.
I'm just feeling kind of numb. I've been dissociating a fair bit. I feel alot of self disgust/shame. I lost a friend to suicide in Feb. who i knew through my residential. another girl from the residential who i didn't know took her own life about a month ago. it hit so many people so incredibly hard. i don't want to hurt anyone, but i dont want to hurt anymore either.
I took myself to the emergency room last monday night because i was really suicidal and just spent the night. i dont want to do that again, because its scary going alone (my parents live in another state and i dont have many friends) and because i have been inpatient 11 times in the past 3.5 years so i know what its like. I get a lot worse and often try to kill myself when i'm in the hospital, which makes them put me in seclusion where i freak out and want to die more. also, the last time i was inpatient they seriously considered committing me to a state hospital... that would be very very bad news, so i can't get hospitalized any more. i just can't.
Did i mention I don't want to die? I don't want to die. but i want to end my life. I don't understand myself. I feel so alone.
-Megan
