Tired of Hurting.

I'm thinking about overdosing tonight. I'm pretty sure I have enough meds. It would be an incredibly stupid thing to do. I have a therapist and psychiatrist I could call. I have friends who support me. A family that tries to love me. A partial scholarship to start at a college i'm really excited about. I've come such a far way. Yet here i am, not particularly depressed, but thinking about ending my life.

I just moved out of a residential program about a month ago. it's been a rough transition. i'm living in a student housing building, where only one other person knows i have issues. i feel alone. a lot of traumatic memories have been bothering me- being sexually touched by my dad and feeling violated even though he wasn't trying to hurt me- how invalidated i was after i was sexually assaulted at age 14- an emotionally abusive relationship- harassment- etc.

I'm just feeling kind of numb. I've been dissociating a fair bit. I feel alot of self disgust/shame. I lost a friend to suicide in Feb. who i knew through my residential. another girl from the residential who i didn't know took her own life about a month ago. it hit so many people so incredibly hard. i don't want to hurt anyone, but i dont want to hurt anymore either.

I took myself to the emergency room last monday night because i was really suicidal and just spent the night. i dont want to do that again, because its scary going alone (my parents live in another state and i dont have many friends) and because i have been inpatient 11 times in the past 3.5 years so i know what its like. I get a lot worse and often try to kill myself when i'm in the hospital, which makes them put me in seclusion where i freak out and want to die more. also, the last time i was inpatient they seriously considered committing me to a state hospital... that would be very very bad news, so i can't get hospitalized any more. i just can't.

Did i mention I don't want to die? I don't want to die. but i want to end my life. I don't understand myself. I feel so alone.

-Megan

 

Hi Megan i do understand you want the sadness the pain to end not your life
You have so much ahead of you hun just dam past keeps coming back and interfering with that happiness I think if you can hun you need to talk to councillors at your school maybe get involved in some extra curricular activity that will keep your mind busy and bring joy to you like art or music dance. You deserve happiness hun It take time to heal from such trauma but it is possible okay Keep talking hun keep reaching out to your friends your family here You can pm me anytime okay Maybe talk to your doctor about adding some medication to keep flashbacks away i have been taking a bit of seriqual each time i feel an attack coming on it helps hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles: