Tired of it all

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by HollowedOut, Jan 10, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. HollowedOut

    HollowedOut Member

    this is my first time on a forum like this (i was actually looking up which pills would be best for suicide overdose when i found this site...) i guess ill just start by explaining my situation, when i was a little kid i was molested though i never told my parents or friends because of how ashamed i am of it, and for fear that it might get awkward to talk to my friends after that... after that i just seemed to hate everything more and more with each passing day... about a year ago it slipped out that i hated myself in a car ride with my mom and she sent me to counciling, though after the first day she just started talking about her problems with me (like not doing enough chores around the house) and instead of getting help i learned how to clean faster :dry: after a while she switched my counciler but by that point i was bitter and refused.

    Lately i've let go of my hate for individual people and instead i hate society, but more then that i hate myself for being so pathetic, i've decided to kill myself around the end of this month when my dad is taking me hunting. i want to kill myself now but my parents are divorced and i live with my mom (my dads the only one with guns and im too much of a coward to give myself a painful death)
    i havent told any of my friends and i act happy around them because i dont want them to worry or try to stop me, i know this kinda contradicts what i just said about my friends but i was thinking of confessing telling one of them that i like them but im debating if i should or not... i mean i dont want the person to feel like its their fault i killed myself if they say they dont like me, so i was considering telling them i was going to kill myself rather then confessing that i like them or leaving a note that states i was going to do this no matter what, and that i didnt tell anyone because it would be sad to have them try and stop me when i know they cant (ive become rather dead set on this)

    also... theres one thing i'd like to ask for help with, the friend of mine who i like is probably suicidal as well. (they tried hanging themself in the past and seems normal again (kinda) maybe its because im suicidal that i can kinda tell that my friend probably still is) i'd like to ask how to help them, i know thats completely hypocritical but i dont want them to kill themself or feel like this...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2008
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    You and your suicidal friend both need some help. Maybe you both could go see a counselor and talk about your problems. You were molested and need to deal with that. Killing yourself is never the solution.
     
  3. HollowedOut

    HollowedOut Member

    i know its wrong but i cant do this anymore, i've decided to do this so i'm not going to waste my parents time and money worrying about me and paying for me to go see a counsiler when im just going to kill myself anyway... i mean i dont want them to feel bad or pysically stop me resulting in prolonging my suffering or forcing my hand and making me slit my throat or take every pill in the house to make sure i finish the job. (i'd rather not have a painful death which is why im using a gun)
    also i am trying to help my friend, but i know that they have even stronger feelings about not seeing a counsiler then i do. any suggestions on how? (also ive decided not to confess as it would just make things more complicated in this already painful time)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2008
  4. iwillbeok

    iwillbeok Active Member

    Don't do it. You can overcome any suicidal thoughts that you have.
    I PROMISE you, things can and will get better.


    Just think of all the wonderful things you have to live for: kids..a partner that loves you...family that loves you...a wonderful career that you can take part of.
     
  5. LILICHIPIE

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    PM if u want to talk about it
     
  6. HollowedOut

    HollowedOut Member

    its ok... i've decided that i'm really ok with killing myself, i do really hate myself and i dont think a person like me should be alive, its weird but... most people who are about to commit suicide seem to be on edge or angry yet im starting to feel calm for once... knowing ill be able to finally end this torture has me hopeful and looking foward to it, up until now my mind has been riddled with so much guilt and grief that some nights i couldn't even sleep, i just lied in bed trying to sleep but everything seemed to replay in my mind over and over again, now that i'm finally ending this i feel somewhat relieved. knowing that i wont have to deal with this anymore, besides... no matter how much i tried to plan out my future or set goals for myself i could never think of one thing, i could never think of a job i wanted or even a long-term goal for myself. judging from that the releif im getting from just thinking about killing myself i feel like maybe this was meant to happen, maybe before i was even born i was schedualed to die at the end of this month. i realize this thinking is wrong and i still want to help my friend (i can see there must be somthing wrong with me if killing myself is going to make me happy, though its too late for me, but i would like to prevent my friend from having that as the only escape)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2008
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hollowed Out, please don't do it. I understand that things seem bleak right now, but I'm sure that they will get better eventually. Plus, no one has any idea about what awaits them after they die. Some believe that you go to heaven or hell. Personally, I believe that we become disembodied spirits and are forced to wander around aimlessly. Hang in there.
     
  8. HollowedOut

    HollowedOut Member

    i'm so lost right now... this is... so unfair... this has to be some sort of sick joke... i was ok with ending it all... i had everything ready, i was even going to donate all of my money but... i just got an invitation from one of my best friends (not the one i love) for her birthday party... and its the day after i was going to kill myself, ugh... this is horrible... i'm not sure what im going to do now... i hate myself so much but i dont hate my friends... aghhhh... i dont know if im going to kill myself sooner, later, or still do it on the day i planned... i had everything ready... if her birthday was just two days sooner i could go and then end my life the next day... but... i dont want to kill myself on the day right before her birthday, i didnt want to impact my friends... damn it... thats the only day ill have access to a gun, i wont be able to get ahold of one for a while... i was completley ok with doing it too... i dont know what im going to do now... im gonna go look up another way to kill myself just in case... i can do a painless death easily but... damn... this has to be some sort of sick joke... i cant believe this...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2008
  9. LILICHIPIE

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    Probably the sign you time hasn't come yet...
    keep strong.
     
  10. HollowedOut

    HollowedOut Member

    *sighs* i guess, sorry i was so... unstable in my last post, its just that i was looking foward to death only to have it blow up in my face... i still plan on killing myself, but i think ill have to put it off till after her birthday, i guess ill have to take the pain then.
     
  11. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Dear HallowedOut,

    I fear that this post will be meaningless to you so if i may for a moment put this in context by telling you who i am. I'm 22yrs and i am sitting in my parents house in England. I have had severe depression with some psychotic symptoms so i came to this site a few weeks ago after having to go to hospital because i was severly suicidal. I want to tell you all this so you know i am real, i have taken the time to write this because i truly care about you.
    I do not want to give you advice because i want the main emphasis of this to be how much i care and i am listening to you. I am really struck by the calmness of your posts (yes even the last one) and i find that very hard to read because you also sound like a very sweet girl who care's a lot about her friends and family. What happened to you when you were little is something that should never happen to anyone. It is in no way your fault and nothing you should be ashamed of, if anything it shows your pure strength to cope with this all on your own for so long. I really think this is something that you need to talk to someone about before you make any serious decisions. You owe this to yourself for battling for so long. I know you said counsellors have been no use to you but maybe you could try calling a helpline to start with? If you would like you can pm me where you live and i could find these for you. Or maybe from somewhere you can find the words to let someone know - prehaps by writing a letter to your mum or a friend?
    Suicide is devastating. There is no way to limit the impact that this will have on your family and friends, even on people you don't know. Before or after a birthday it is no matter, every birthday she will be reminded of you. Everyday your family and friends will remember you and have to live with the pain of losing you and prehaps not knowing why. I don't want to say this to make you feel guilty, i simply want to point out the total impact suicide has.
    I am so sorry that you are in pain, i do not underestimate how much you are struggling and i really am impressed with the strength you've shown so far. Please just do one thing - please consider telling just one person how you feel. I know what it is like seeing no future, i am still trying to deal with the aftermath of being so close to the edge, but i want to reach out to you and lend you a hand so you can step away from the plans you have. A few weeks ago i was scared, i couldn't find the courage to talk but suddenly i realised that it was actually my only option. Suicide isn't an option it is simply an end.
    I so hope that you are able to see how much i care about you, please believe me when i say that it doesn't have to be like this. Everyone needs some help once in a while and you are very much due yours!
    Please pm me if you want to just talk or ever feel at the edge. Please give me the chance.
    Hugs SS.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.