yeah just tired of all the shit that has happened in my life , i made so many mistakes in my life that i want to fix , so many regrets . i just can't hack it anymore seems like the only way out is "that way out". i now know i am really screwed up because i now beat the shit out of myself , usually i beat myself with my own fists and leave bruises but yesterday night i took a< edit moderator total eclipse method > and started swinging it at myself , sorta hurt because i was numb from being drunk. the girl i so fucking love is getting <edit mod total eclipse inappropriate> i really fucking hate . the severity of my depression and suicidal thoughts have gotten pretty high and real. yeah its gotten to the point , I've already decided that its not going to be IF i will do it but WHEN i will do it . yeah i dont think i'll last another year. try and believe me when i tell you i really tried to push through but yeah can't do it anymore. its almost valentines and yeah i dont think i can live though that day , knowing the person i f-ing love is gonna get her brains banged out and just people everywhere will be all goo goo gaa gaa over each other and here i am just lonely me all fucking depressed. so yeah maybe in a month I'll follow through with my plan .