Tired of it..

Kiba

Well-Known Member
#1
1) Tired of trying to fix and / or figure out my physical (and mental) problems and getting nowhere or making it worse. Making me not want to even try anymore. And all the suggestions I get around it right now have just been making me irritable.. I just can't even hear it right now.. It just depresses me and goes to number 3..

2) Tired of having a lot of PTSD issues lately and negative thought loops. But therapist isn't helping. Nor is 12 years of therapy work DBT / CBT helping very much. Doctor recommended a more trauma specialized therapist who couldn't see me because of insurance and said she would try and find me another option but couldn't.. I am not a good candidate for EMDR either. Nor can I take medications due to a CYP450 3A4 mutation.

3) Tired of questioning myself. Tired of asking myself if I am just making everything up about my physical problems. And having very little physical evidence isn't helpful either. Wondering if it is all just psychosomatic / in my head. Or that I am just not trying hard enough and am lazy and slothful. And tired of wondering if other people think I am making things up and if they hate me.

4) Tired of the thoughts in my head telling me I just deserve all these problems. That I don't deserve any happiness. That I am not worth it. That I should just give up. And shut up.

5) Tired of feeling alone and knowing no one is ever going to really understand me and the struggles I face on a daily basis.

6) Tired of feeling guilty for any happiness I do get. Or any relief from my physical pain.

7) Tired of feeling guilty for not being enough or giving enough.

8) Tired of feeling empty and purposeless with no real direction or goals

9) Tired of analyzing my abilities day to day. Moment to moment. What I can and can't do that day, and having to remind myself not to "go,go,go" because part of my brain literally doesn't remember I have any limitations at all and will hurt myself doing too much.

10) Tired of finding the things that do help me, only to then form a love / hate relationship to them. And constantly wish I didn't need them.

11) Tired of feeling like I can only rely on myself. Yet, cannot even do that. Because I constantly am questioning my own reality thanks to gas lighting. And then finding nothing reliable.

12) Tired of constantly trying to work with a reality in which my physical problems and emotions are never consistent. And in which I am constantly fighting my feelings with logic yet still feeling like shit. And never in sync.

13) Tired of worrying about if other people hate me. If they will mob against me, or hurt me. Or if I said something wrong and didn't read social cues. Or if I said a series of wrong things and didn't pick up the social cues leading to an attack. Or if people think I am faking everything / making things up. Or am just attention seeking. (Tired of wondering if I am just attention seeking too..)

14) Tired of feeling like I need outside validation constantly to make sure I do the right things or say the right things. I just want to be me and not be constantly flooded with all of this.. I just want to do things and not worry what other people think.. But unfortunately I feel like I have to. Because people do make moves based on what they think.. And I have been assaulted before.. And / or yelled at / talked down to even as an adult. (For social reasons usually that I cannot read or for reasons such as poor proprioception or walking in front of people or stopping without realizing it or for just being different)

15) Tired of not knowing where to go for help anymore. Because all it seems to do is make me feel worse. Or seems to make other people irritated at me. Particularly when they offer suggestions I have tried already or for which I don't feel would be beneficial at all..

I am so tired of it..
 
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Kiba

Well-Known Member
#7
Tired of being reminded and thinking about my medical problems. (again today :( )The question in my head keeps repeating, asking myself, what is wrong with me? Why do I have so few answers, despite tons and tons of testing, to explain my chronic pain, muscle weakness, sensory system sensitivity getting worse and various other symptoms? Am I just making things up? Is a lot of it psychosomatic? Are the few things I have found test results for simply all it is, and my mind is exaggerating them? I feel like it is literally driving me insane.. And the one that affects me the most on a nearly daily basis..
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#8
Sorry you are feeling so crap.
Sometimes people go so long before finding answers to their medical crap and then something clicks and it's able to be fixed. I hope that's what happens with you.
 

Kiba

Well-Known Member
#9
Tired of fighting an invisible battle in my mind, alone, that no one can see.. Making me feel constantly insane. While it is all hidden away from others being able to see any of it.
 

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