Tired of "life", I know I'm selfish but I'm weary

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tom, Oct 2, 2009.

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  1. Tom

    Tom Member

    Hi, I don't want to make anyone feel worse by the following words, but I've got to say about myself.
    Since my dad died when I was 13, yes I know i'm fortunate in having one, my life took a turn for the worse.
    I supported my mum, who then spent 10 years in depression, then she died.
    I went to uni, got a degree, then as she died in my last year and had no home to return to, i decided to stay near the uni, and got a trade.
    It was very boring, but stayed doing it for 20 years.
    I left there finally, and drove to europe, looking for a better life, but it's ended up worse, no money etc, isolated, no way of leaving the island, unless i walk off, leaving my meagre possessions behind, which took me 20 years to obtain.
    OK, it might not sound too bad, many people lose all, ie in earthquakes, tsunamis, but for me, it's the final straw.
    I've thought about suicide many times since I was 14, but never attempted it, thinking things must improve, but they never have.
    So now, i'm seriously thinking about it, not out of desperation, but out of weariness. I'm 48, and everyday of my life has been hard for me.
    I once was on antidepressants, but they didnt do any good.
    It's the lonliness and the struggling that have done for me.
    I am intelligent but have a mental block, and can't improve myself. I've had friends, and helped many people out a lot.
    i'm not saying i deserve help, i think there is none for me, so, maybe death is an answer for me. I only stay alive for my dog, which i "love", and dont want her to miss me, so if i was going to do it, i would have to kill her too.
    No one would really care if i killed myself, I have no family, i dont blame the creator, or anyone, but i cant stand living anymore.
    I've tried to change my circumstances, but it always ends the same way, in disaster.
    I've tried self improvement, and i even learnt how to become a counsellor, but it didnt help.
    Many people say they like my etc, but it doesnt make me feel good about myself.I'm not afraid of dying, and hope each night, that i wont wake the next morning.
    I'm not whinging, but i have to say all this to someone.
    Please dont anyone read this and feel bad, this is my personal "problem". I dont want to push anyone else over the edge. We're all different, your lives will improve, but mine hasn't, so thats why I'm thinking about the final solution.
     
  2. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    So what kind of dog do you have? Pets help me along because its companionship and gives me a responsibility. Its nice to have something to come home to and have something that relies on you. Playing with the dog, walking with it etc.. Makes me smile to go home and see my dog. Maybe a change of scenery would be helpful, even if for a few days..Like a mental vacation even if its a day long trip with your dog and to do some thinking about what you would like to do next in life..
     
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF :hug:

    How long has it been since you tried medication? There may be new meds now. Also, it may take trying different meds till you find the one that works.

    Please keep posting here, it will help.
     
  4. Tom

    Tom Member

    hi planechaser, yes the dog is all that keeps me going.
    it's a staffy cross, a stray i found 7 years ago. There are many things i would like to do, but as i said, all my plans turn to dust. i want to teach scuba, I'm an instructor, but the industry is full of conmen, and all they want is money. I had a job working in a dive centre once, but couldn't work with the owners ignorance and greed. It seems like you have to be greedy to succeed in this world, and i just cant be like that, so, as i said, there seems to be no place for me, so i have to do boring jobs i hate, just to get money to live.
    even when i go out with the dog, i cant get away from the torment in my head.
     
  5. Tom

    Tom Member

    hi chargette,
    It's been 3 years, but the next doctor, after mine retired, said i wasnt depressed, just dissatisfied with life.
    Honestly, antidepressants wont help me, I'm sure of it. I feel sad at the suffering in the world. I'm sure I'm different to all the other depressrion cases. Thanks for replying to me.
     
  6. planechaser

    planechaser Well-Known Member

    I can see where that would cause a problem...I had a German instructor once who taught scuba diving...have u gone on any dives recently?

    Maybe mood stabilizers?
     
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,
    I read this and it really made me feel so upset. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. I'm sure me saying that doesn't help at all but I just wanted to say it.
    I've often felt the same way about things, the thing I want to do isn't the thing I 'can' do so I will end up doing something I never intended because the industry I would want to be in is full of ruthless con artists.
    But you could do the things you love in your spare time for fun maybe?

    Do you have siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents? I know a lot of people aren't close to extended family, one of my new years resolutions was to look mine up and try and spend some more time with them (obv. they were a bit wary of what I wanted at first but they came around when they realised I didn't want anything from them other than their companionship).
    Have you thought about trying that? If you have any?

    Also don't underestimate friendships. I know a girl who has no family either, no blood line, but she has created her own family from close friends. It's entirely possible, we can't choose who we are related to but we can choose our friends and you sound like a really nice person, I would hate to hear you have given up Tom. :(

    I know anti depressants and counselling can seem like a waste of time, especially if you've been down that road before but it can be worth another go. Sometimes I just feel like it props me up. It doesn't solve all my problems but it keeps me holding on.
    :hug:
     
  8. Tom

    Tom Member

    no, planechaser, the last dive i had was 2 years ago, in ireland, where i used to live.
    It's like a drug, i used to go twice a week in summer, and once at weekends during winter.
     
  9. Tom

    Tom Member

    Hi linds83, you sound nice too. Sorry if what i said upset you. Thats why i dont like talking to people about things, either they think I'm a "loser", or else I upset them. I used to go diving a lot in my spare time, but here, it's too expensive, and i don't have the spare cash. Sorry to go on about money, it's so stupid I know to talk of that stuff. I did make contact with my aunt and cousins a couple of years ago, but it reminded me too much of my life when I was young, with my parents, but it all went well. I phone them occasionaly, but they have their own problems and lives. The same is true of my two friends, they have families so don't have much time to talk. I have a sister, older than me, but we never really got on. We tried to start anew about 4 years ago, but we don't really get on. True about friends being a family, but all the people I meet now are'nt friends, so I tend to keep my own company. Thanks to you for replying to me. I do feel a bit better now that I got it off my chest. I still don't think the meds will help me though. What is it you would like to do that you cant because of the conartists?. I'm not a weak man, though some detractors have called me that, I know I'm strong for going on this long, but it does seem like torture to me, ok, occasionally, I do have a good 10 minutes, literally, but the rest of the days are filled with "pain". I know I'm fortunate, but I have my own pain, same as most of us do.
     
  10. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,
    Which Island are you stuck on and where?
    It seems from what you have said, you spent the past 28 years or so still greiving over the loss of one and then another parent. You really cant move on in your life until you face up to that. Youv moved to europe and realised that you can't move on. So no matter where you go, and what you do, your still having those demons follow you, much like a ghost.

    Tom I know your not going to like it, but you do need counsiling, you really do. You dont need a doctor, you need to talk about your parents, and what happened. You need to manage the depression and find out the trigger for the depresssion. Because the trigger of this problem may be the past.

    People arnt angry at you, Your sister has the same demons, just maybe is at a diffrent point in her life. I know your maybe alittle upset that everyone else in your life has settled down, their are plenty of women your age still out there.

    If your at a loss, I really encourage you to volunteer at an organistion such as scouts, where you can help younger people, meet new friends your age group, and eventully a partner.

    Anti depressents will lift your mood, but you need to put the safty catch on that trigger in your head. If i had lost both my parents, I would be in a very dark place too.

    I also recommend you get a reading off some sort or a couple diffrent types of spritiulists. Because they will tell you things about your mood, and maybe even some information that will help you.
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hey Tom,

    You're not a loser, and nothing that you've said is stupid. You don't ever have to feel bad for posting here.

    Sorry you're going through so much. I wish there was something I could say that would take away all the pain. I really hope you'll keep posting here and try to make some friends. Sometimes just having people to talk to, people that you know really care, can help.
     
  12. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Hey Tom,
    I didn't mean it in that way, I just meant I was upset for you, my heart goes out to you. As it can't have been easy losing your parents like that at such a young age and at such important times in your life.

    Is there nowhere that you can dive full time or teach diving? I had a friend whose brother taught scuba in Thailand. He didn't make very much money but he was doing what he loved. Is that not an option at all?

    No money is important, a lot of us are here because of that exact reason and it hurts. :( It's so painful the way it dictates our lives like it does.

    I think sometimes people mistake their kindness and their goodness for weakness. :hug:

    And I know that old chesnut, about a lot of people having their own lives and their own problems, but being with them is not bothering them, I promise you. I doubt a lot of people feel that way. In fact I think a lot of my family members and friends - when I had them - enjoyed the time I spent with them more than not because it took them away from all of that. I'd imagine it does hurt being with family and being reminded of that time when you were happy and your parents were around.
    It doesn't sound like you've had time to deal with all of that and everything that went on when your Dad died and then losing your Mum like that after University.
    Did you ever speak to anybody? People knock grief counselling but talking about it can help you to cope a little better.

    Have you thought about making friends online or finding a partner? Because there are a lot of people in the same position also and that could be a huge help.

    I'd have liked to have gone into Journalism, but while I was at University, I found most of my classmates were ruthless manipulators who would've stepped on my neck to get to where they wanted to be.
    I just didn't have it in me.
    I was given a chance to cover London Fashion Week and the launch of Kylie Minogues first perfume while I was studying, it would've been a great opportunity, but both were taken away from me by my older male teacher who gave them to another student (slimmer, prettier). I wonder what SHE did to get that huh?
     
  13. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hi Tom
    I'm no spring chicken either.Also feel I have lost more than gained in my life.I hope you keep posting here.Happy to get to know you.Youre never alone here,friend.
    Take care:hug:
     
  14. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey Tom, first of all welcome to SF, it's good you found us here.

    Listen, before anything, know that you're not a loser. You suffered through alot, more than most people - even here in a crisis support forum - have, so don't sell yourself cheap, you accomplished alot just by being here.

    Also, there is no need to be so "afraid" to tell us about yourself just because you're afriad to upset or bother someone. This is a forum created expecificaly for people like you and me to let it all out. Our problems, our traumas, our fears... this is the place for that, so you don't need to apologise for using the forum the way it should be used. I understand your point, but we're all on the same boat here, just as you use this place to vent, so do I and I understand how important it is to be supported in a time of crisis, just like we all do here.

    The people who never felt what we're feeling sometimes don't understand how important support is to us, so they sometimes get annoyed when we try to reach them for help, but here there'll be none of that, you can talk whenever you want, about anything at all.

    But now, to your actual problem. It seems you're extremely dissatisfied with your life, and that's drowning you into depression. I think the only solution for you is to change your life. Not an easy feat I know, but you should think about going somewhere else, starting over? New scenario, endless oppurtunities? Maybe this time life would reward you with the luck that so far seems to be elluding you? If not for something so drastic, maybe start a new hobby? Something that gives you the rush of the novelty? That might give you a kick start for your life? Think, there must be something you'd like to do.

    I hope you keep posting here Tom. Stay strong and don't give up. We'll all be here for you. PM me whenever you feel like it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2009
  15. Tom

    Tom Member

    Hi Mr A and the sky pilots,
    I'm on crete. I researched it for 4 weeks before I came here, but the information seems to be about 15 years out of date. Maybe I do need to see a councellor, but I'm wary of whether it will really help me...can I change?, I've been trying for so long, but nothing seems to work.
    I would like to be with like-minded people, I've searched for them, joined groups, but never really fit in.
    I was going to retrain as a school teacher a couple of years ago, but didn't follow through with the idea. I do think these "demons" are following me around for years, but don't know how to escape them, maybe for me. it will only happen at the point of death. I've become resolved to them I think.
    Thanks for taking the time to reply to me.
     
  16. Tom

    Tom Member

    Ordep, hi. Thanks, true, I have to leave here, yes, I need to make a new start in life, but I've lost my sense of adventure, I can almost see a new start as being the same as the rest of my new starts in life, full of disapointment and sadness, but I know that's not a healthy attitude to have. I will try it to to best of my ability, even though I'm sure it will be difficult, but it might not be. As I said before, I think that my destiny on earth is to suffer, to understand the suffering of others, but if that was a choice I made, I've bitten off more than I can chew. Concerning hobbies, I've had many in the past, but there's not much I'm interested in anymore. It's true what you say about other people getting angry with you when you try to discuss your problems with them. Thanks for the welcome, you are a caring group of people on this site.
     
  17. Tom

    Tom Member

    ashes away, hi. Thanks for the reply. How do you cope with your disapointment with life? I hope things go better for you as well.
     
  18. Tom

    Tom Member

    Linds83, thanks for your kind words. Yes, there must be places where I can teach diving full-time. I googled dive centres in Egypt, but found out that the Egyptians hate dogs, so as my dog is the most important thing in my life, I decided not to try and go there. True, I used to tell myself that I'm kind and honest-thats a good way to be, but for some reason I started questioning this attitude...but I can't change into a selfish being. No, I never talked to any professional people about my grief-emotionally, (I can act and pass as adult), but I stopped growing after 13, I think I stopped growing a long time before that to be honest. Yes, I have thought about making friends online, and would love to find a partner to share my life with. I just presume that online friendships are false, and unnatural!--I'm sure I'm wrong though, but don't really know how to go about it. Thats one of the reasons I signed up for this web site and forum. Sorry about you not getting into journalism. I hope you break into it somehow, someday. Couldn't you report on non-mainstream things, and get a name for yourself that way? I was also put off careers by the cronyism, old boy network, and the way it's not what you know, but who you know, thats why I stayed "independant", but it's rife, even in the (many) metal workshops I've laboured in.
     
  19. Tom

    Tom Member

    Wild cherry, thanks for your reply. Yours, and all the others from the kind posters of this site, brought tears to my eyes.
     
  20. Tom

    Tom Member

    Wild cherry, Yes, it does make a big difference having some one to talk to who isn't thinking "this person needs to pull their socks up and needs to stop feeling sorry for themself". I know you people on this site aren't like that, and genuinely care and have empathy towards each other, me included.
     
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