Tired of life kicking me in the face

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by iamchum, Dec 2, 2011.

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  1. iamchum

    iamchum Guest

    Hi SFers, beware: this is a long post.

    I know I am new to this forum. I know my situation in life is probably not the worst here. I know I came to a conclusion last night that, to me, in a more healthy state of mind, would be considered irrational (I am the sort of person who would tell people to "soldier on", corny and a shit way to deal with these things, I know).

    I am 23 years old. I am going for my PhD. I already own a home. I am self-employed. I am fat, but I am ok with my weight. What is wrong with me?

    I work in the film industry. I sometimes work upwards of 90 hrs per week with no overtime (thats over 40 hrs per week unpaid) and far below industry minimum wage (because... apparently... if i don't do it, someone younger, hungrier and more willing to learn, will - or so the producer says). I have to fight for every job I get, it's like a never ending job interview. I've had enough of seeing others with below par skills getting permanent and ridiculously well paid positions by being chummy with the right people (stratification there). I am inherently unchummy, but I know I am skilled and work my arse off more so than most... Whenever I ask someone, a director, a producer, an executive, why can't I get a shot... This is always the answer: That's life, move on. I feel like I get exploited, and many of my co-workers tell me I am.
    I don't want to keep doing my job.

    I have a degree in games studies. My grades mean I am eligible to go straight into a PhD. I have already begun applying (its a 6 month process). But, in the meantime I have been applying for other jobs (and have been for the last year and half). I do everything the career counsellor tells me, target my potential employer, write the right cover letters and resumes, network. In probably over 50 targeted applications, I have received 1 email for a potential interview, which did not materialise. I have even applied for unpaid positions despite my current experience. None have returned my emails. I feel like I've wasted the last 5 years of my life. I know for a fact that my parents were right. This degree is a piece of toilet paper. I am a well-educated unemployable failure. Please don't tell me I am not, I have considerable research skills and have already compiled and written several essays on unemployability within the games industry of australia.

    I bought and paid off a house in 2010. It was nice to have that burden off my shoulders. I looked for tenants and found some after a 3 month search. I thought it was a tad long, but I felt that I couldn't do anything about that. Earlier this year, my parents separated, I know I am old enough to deal with that kind of stress, so I worked and put it to the back of my mind. I found out my father had gambled away over 3 million dollars some of which he didn't have and left the country. My mother was saddled with a million dollar bill (joint accounts are a bitch, hey). I have tried to support her in small ways through token payments, but she is being snowed in. She now works two jobs and has half million dollar mortgage to pay off and a million dollars owed to the bank. Luckily the bank executives went easy on her (they knew her personally), but she is 60. She will not be able to pay that back, that is a fact of life. I agreed to sell my house to help her. I asked the real estate agents to evaluate it and put it on the market. The real estate agents took my money, declared insolvency and ran. Luckily the courts ruled that they had to pay back to buyers and I could still sell the house only lost about $2,000 in fees. I got another real estate agent and they told me that the previous tenants had left $12,000 in damages. The insurance was through my previous agent. I was left to pony up the cost. The valuation came in and I was told the property had lost 12% in value for the last three years. the resultant money may cover the interest on my mothers loans, but will not repay them.

    Not only am I an idiot, but I am a failure to my mum, who I can't even afford to support. I am a failure of a son. For those who don't quite understand, it's a cultural thing.

    I had a girlfriend until 3 weeks ago. I thought she was the one and felt safe with her. I suppose assurances that we'll never leave each other are completely bogus in any relationship. I should have realised nothing is permanent and those couples that stay together for life have their moments in hell as well. She went to shanghai 2 weeks before I did. She stopped talking to me online during that time, but I always thought the best of her. Maybe it was the internet (china has really unreliable grids and their firewall blocks many things), maybe her parents had a crap computer, maybe she wasn't able to get a sim for her phone. There were so many excuses I thought of that would cover for her lack of contact. The first night I got there and arrived at my hotel, I was a little confused as to why she met me at the airport then left. I contacted her on the internet and she levelled with me that she wanted to break up. The only reason for me being in shanghai for this month (over christmas... how ironic) was her. I have a feeling that it was at her parents bidding, but that does not change the fact that I am bitterly disappointed.

    I have since met her once for dinner, and found it difficult to talk to her about anything personal. The restaurant was fully booked that night, and, silly me, I thought an outburst in a trendy place like this would be highly inappropriate. I have not left my hotel since then except for takeaway food, and, not left even for food for the last three days.

    I thought to myself, this depression is normal. I just broke up. I'll get over it.

    Last night I had a severe and extended attack of anxiety, which initially lasted for about 3 hrs subsided and then after some fitful sleeping resumed for most of today until about two hours ago (that was like 6 hrs). I'm not a clinician. I don't know how the symptoms of a panic attack. All I know was I spent almost 10 hours feeling like my brain was in a vice, and even when I attempted to not think of anything, having extreme feelings of panic. The pain was both mental, physical and exhausting...

    I know it hasn't been long, but lately I have had an increasing desire to commit suicide. I have not eaten in three days and have only slept a total of between 10 and 12 hours over those days. I spent today researching method of suicide and found that starvation was a legitimate method, which was difficult to stop because, legally, you can't force someone to eat without prior consultation. There are 10 days left until I have to go back to Australia. I don't want to go back and face it. Plus, not eating is a form of inaction, suits me just fine. This will also be a nice large fuck you to those who wrote me off because I'm fat. Either that or jumping off my hotel balcony. 9 stories up, that should be lethal right?

    I don't know who to talk to because I know for a fact if I talked to my immediate family, they would get pissed off at me. My ex would also be pissed off at me. I don't really have friends I can confide in. There are no suicide hotlines or services in China, it is seen as shameful here and is generally kept out of sight and mind.

    I know my situation make others doubtful of my intentions. I consider myself a strong person, but, truth be told, I don't feel any shame in committing myself to death, and I have never felt so low before, ever, in my entire life.

    I feel my life is a sham. On the outside its shiny and pretty. On the inside its vacuous and pointless. My contributions to society are meaningless and pitiful. I am only consuming resources, and my pride won't let me continue to lie through my teeth (which, despite all the studies saying liars have a far superior chance of succeeding in life, is not the case for me).

    Thank you for reading this. I am sorry it is so long. No one has to reply, this is like a form of final catharsis for me. Its a relief to put my thoughts on my failures down before I go. No one can tell me I am a sorry piece of shit and get my act together, because I won't be listening.

    I know there are many of you out there in worse situations than mine. To those people, if you feel I have wasted your time, I am sorry.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun you are not wasting anyone time you have alot to deal with lots of pressure some of it not yours. You have to let your mother look after her dealings hun You have to look after you first off so you can stay strong if you are needed. Have you thought about getting on some meds to help keep the depression at bay some. We can only stay as strong as our mind let us I am glad you are reaching out here hun as it does help to put our thoughts in print and not hold onto them in our mind so much I hope you continue to post hugs
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