Tired of life, war, and society.

[Julian]

Hello all,

I’m a US soldier currently on leave back home but it won’t be long before I’m shipped out to Iraq again. Right now, I feel overwhelmed and worthless. I originally joined the military in the hopes of eventually attaining a higher education at university. What a mistake!

Recently my mother was diagnosed with Cancer, and her medical treatment will probably place my family into massive debt. Our family is relatively poor, and she expressed a desire to die in order to spare us the cost… This is both disturbing and depressing for me.

I feel like my life is wasted on this pointless job. Everyday it’s the same… Nonstop Gunshots, mortar rounds, and suicide bombers, and everyday it gets slightly worse. Soldiers over here are lucky if they get four hours of sleep a night. My stomach is churning even at the thought of going back to the hellhole. I never want to hear the scream of a dieing child again.

It feels like modern life is void of any true pleasure… at least where I live. Consumerism, TV, videogames, and computers have become happiness placebos. The only reason people seem to make money is to buy more and more of these placebos. Our politicians are worthless, corrupt bastards but the people still stand for it. Our whole society seems like such a farce… Sometimes it feels like in the process of improving human lives through industrialization and modernization we have complicated everything and have consequently made life much less enjoyable. What a brave new world we have created.

I hope I get killed in Iraq.

 

[Remembrance]

Do you know how good your writing is? I am actually not even sure you are real, because you told your story so well. Can you keep writing this out?

I guess the Army is pretty overloaded with guys needing therapy at this point. Who could go through all of that and not be depressed?

It's impossible for us civilians to understand what you're dealing with, but not a day goes by when I don't think abou the soldiers in Iraq. I just wanted to sort of tell you - I'm a stranger to you. And I hope you DON'T get killed. This war has cost us all quite enough.

 

[InnerStrength]

You might have post-traumatic stress syndrome.

 

[10mg_existence]

i don't what to say except that you're so right about our culture, politics, and everything else. it's a sad state of affairs and you obviously feel stuck in the middle, fighting for a society you don't believe in.

stick with it man -- if anyone should be killed in this war it's the assholes that put you there, not you.

 

[gentlelady]

Julian, I hear and understand what you are saying. i have never been in the military myself, but I have many familuy members that are/were. Each has a story to tell. Some are better than others, but none are the same as the picture painted and given to us. I truly hope you arrive home safely. I am saddend by the thought of your mother facing cancer and its treatments. They are not easy. Nor is the position you have been placed in.
I hope you return home safely, and soon. take care. :hug:

 

[theleastofthese]

Julian;

I do so hope you do NOT die in Iraq.:sad: There have been far too many casualties already - and not all of those casualties have died. I agree with so much of what you wrote. I'm a disenchanted US citizen, ashamed of my country... well, ashamed of those in charge, that is.:dry: I am sorry to hear of your family situation. Is there no financial relief or aid in your area? There must be SOMETHING out there to help your mom and your family thru this. I agree with the reply that you may be suffering from PTSD. Even tho it's not 'after the fact', you still may have it. You certainly sound like your massively depressed - not a surprise, considering all you've been thru over there. I wish for you the best possibilities - that you do not have to go back to Iraq and that your family finds a way thru your mother's illness.:smile:

sending love and hugs and hope for better days,:smile: :smile:

least xoxoxox

PS; do you HAVE to go back there if you're called?:unsure: Can you not refuse to go? Lots of soldiers are refusing to go over there (or go back there) based on moral grounds, not to mention actual physical fears of death or injury. I believe there are support groups for those who decide not to go, to refuse orders to go over there to kill or be killed. It's ultimately your decision, but it's also ultimately your life. I wish you the best and also some measure of peace within yourself.

 

[Julian]

Thanks for the response.

Do you know how good your writing is? I am actually not even sure you are real, because you told your story so well. Can you keep writing this out?

I don't think my writing skills are anything special. I tend to read a lot since I dislike TV. I earned a reputation as a bookworm prior to deployment.

To theleastofthese,

Given the current need for troops, going AWOL would most likely result in jail time or an extra 6 months of service if you were unlucky.

I can’t break my contract with the military. The only other employers where I live are minimum wage slavery retail outlets such as Wal-mart, and I can't risk jail or lengthy legal procedures while my mother has cancer.

Currently, my thoughts shift back and fourth between suicide and running away. Sometimes… I think of escaping the world and becoming a hermit or joining some monastery (assuming I live through my service). I’m so tired of it all… The orders, the brutal killings, the loud noises, our soulless society, and the constant bombardment of media. Maybe it's just me though. Maybe I was born in the wrong time period. Or perhaps I'm just a crazy Luddite.

 

[TheBLA]

I must also comment on how great your writing skills are. You could really hone them if you wanted to. :smile:

I've never been in the military, I can only imagine that you and all the other soldiers are going through there but I can safely say that you are not the only one suffering like this, I bet a majority of those returning back home from Iraq are suffering just as you are and unfortunately, quite a number have taken their own lives because of it.
War truly is a freaking hell and I hope you can get out of it alive and a stronger, better person. I can understand your disillusionment, is this was World War II, where nations were directly attacking us, I would feel better fighting for my country but in this type of war, eeehhh.

I wish you best though and my thoughts are in the brave men and women that fight. Its a shame most of them are quite poor and fight for a chance of money for college or other oppurtunities. You don't deserve to die, those bastard politicans do.

We do live in quite a sad, complex world don't we?

 

[claycad]

My mind can't even wrap around how horrible real war must be. I've seen thousands of pictures and videos, but I know it is not the same. I don't know how to begin to empathize with you.

All I can say is you are a much stronger person than I will ever be. I say hang in there and hope things will get better. I go to a university and have had several veterans in my classes who hated the military, but thought that it was worth it once they got out and are now able to get an education and build a better life for themselves. Have hope.

As far was what you said about modernization and industrialization making society worse, I have been having such similar thoughts for the past week it is eerie.

 

[Remembrance]

You can say it's nothing special, but it struck me anyway. I didn't log on here planning to post to other people - just to see who else felt like I did. I hope I wasn't presumptuous. I do hope you come home safe, though I don't know you. I don't know much about the military, but they ought to be aware by now of the impact of post-traumatic stress - have you talked to anyone there?

 

[Sadeyes]

Will you have the ability to get to a computer? if so, can we be your support while you are away?...either through the forum, or a PM circle to let you know you are cared for...just a thought...big hugs, Jackie

 

[am I alive]

I've been in war 2 times man...i know how you feel. Well, i wasn't soldier...just a kid, anyway i still have nightmares about it...

 

[claycad]

I originally joined the military in the hopes of eventually attaining a higher education at university. What a mistake!

I commented on this before, but left something out that I am almost ashamed that I left out. While I have never been in the military myself, my father has been. He is a disabled Vietnam veteran, he was drafted. It is this only reason that I myself can get an education. Part of the benefits he receives for being a veteran is money to allow any of his children (me and my brother both) to receive higher education. I wouldn't be in school today if it wasn't for the fact that my dad is a veteran of war. Remember that the benefits are out their although it may be impossible to see them at the moment. I admire what you and every other veteran and person in the military has done and continues to do. Thank you.

 

[kcinva]

Julian...I totally agree with how you feel...and young friend...you are an American Hero in my eyes. Thank you Julian for your service..no matter how screwed up it is there you are a hero. If I had it my way our young men and women would be out of there today...please be safe and when you get back you might want to write a book about your experiences.
You have been asked to do a job that is unfathomable to me..and many MILLIONS of other people. Julian we NEED people like you to tell their story...and I thank you for sharing some of it with us. Hang in there and don't give up hope...I salute you...take care and God Bless...

 

[StPatty]

Though its sad what your mother is going through, remember what her reasoning is in doing it... so she won't cost the rest of the family, and you can help your family. If you don't want to fight, find a way to get out when you can. I also feel that consumerism has taken hold of a lot of people, and all of the massive operations in our country have lazy or greedy people in them... each of them not only wastes their potential but destroys others' potention as well.

I've been thinking about Pink Floyd's album "animals" lately, in which the animals are pigs, dogs, and sheep, which are supposed to be the three types of people. Sheep are usually good at heart but are easily manipulated, dogs are a combination of laziness and greed who take from the sheep, and pigs are those to whom money is the only important thing (they will work for it, dogs won't, they get farther than dogs moneywise but sacrifice any other happiness or humanity in the process, they are never happy with what they have even if it is $millions). That's a very rough description, there are better ones lying around the net. I feel like I've had a lot of experience as a sheep, but at 19 I'm in college trying to forge a life and find that I'm getting pushed around, and it is tough to defend myself without turning into a pig or a dog... it seems that the world truly is arranged so that we naturally fall into one of the categories.

Dying sure isn't the answer though. Remember that quote, something about the only thing worse than evil acts is good men not acting? It's obvious from what you've written that you have no love for evil. Don't throw yourself away. Personally, I remember what my strengths used to be. They *feel* like they've left me sometimes, but when I can only FOCUS on a small scale, I realize that I'm strong enough to fight against my share of what I don't like. Sometimes I've even wondered if being in the armed forces could make it easier to find that focus, and then I remember that wars are about manipulation these days. Whether it is needless or not is debatable, but I feel like my country goes about it wrong either way.

 

[joce]

İ really want you to stay safe and alive. Can İ come and live wıth you in your hermitage? Seriously I think lots of people just want an escape from this modern world - you've said it all really. What a terrible place you live in when a person wants to die to save medical costs. İ wonder how many politıcians' chıldren are out fightıng ın Iraq?

 

[theleastofthese]

If I remember correctly, there is only ONE Congressional member with a child serving in Iraq. Just goes to show ya.... :sad:

least

 

[Julian]

have you talked to anyone there?

I've always been a very shy person and remote person. I don't think I could speak to anyone about my feelings except perhaps the guys in my fire team. We've been through everything together.

 

[NoMotiv]

Like someone said earlier, you write pretty well. Perhaps you should get a diary of some sort, and write your feelings down. Maybe you could even try writing a short story or novel about your experiences. Getting it off your chest is healthy in any case, and you might find a way to turn something negative into something positive along the way.

 

[theleastofthese]

Julian;

I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury) has a website/blog for Iraq troops to write about their experiences in Iraq or in the military in general. The site is www.gocomics.typepad.com/the_sandbox

Maybe you could write your feelings on there and share them with the rest of the world who needs, desperately needs to know how our troops are really feeling and doing.

The 'ad' for it said it was "lightly edited" so unless there's a lot of profanity or obscenity I'm sure it would be posted as written. Check it out...

love,

least

PS; and please please see about getting some help for your PTSD and depression - if not thru the military, then check out your mental health agencies in your area. Please, for the sake of your soul. We don't need any more "walking wounded" coming back whole in body but broken in spirit.