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Tired of life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sunflower17, Jun 11, 2014.

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  1. Sunflower17

    Sunflower17 New Member

    I'm new to this and I wasn't sure where else to go.

    I'm a 33 year old female and really struggling. I've had problems all of my life with disability (severe hearing loss) and was bullied at school because of it. I was also bullied in my first job because of it and had to switch jobs. I was then diagnosed with ME/CFS in my early twenties and ended up being more or less housebound with it for about seven years - I had to give up my job, hobbies and social life and had to live at home with my parents and depend on them for everything because I was so ill. This in turn led to me developing severe social anxiety and OCD, both of which have blighted my life for several years now. I managed to go to university and get a first-class honours degree (did it part-time with a LOT of help, lived at home while I was doing it and hardly ever socialised while I was there) - this remains one of the few high-points in my life, but then I ended up in an abusive relationship with a man who sexually abused and raped me - the trauma of this nearly finished me off. This man was in a position of authority and I felt he took advantage of me because was ill and vulnerable.

    I'm now a postgraduate student (although same situation as when I was doing my degree) and although I look as if I'm doing quite well, the truth is, I'm not. The ME/CFS still affects my life quite badly, although not as much as before, but I feel that because I spent about seven years pretty much housebound, I can't get back into a 'normal' routine or lead a 'normal' life. The OCD and social anxiety are HUGE problems and I also struggle with the aftermath of the rape and sexual abuse and the fact that I can't do anything about it, as I have no evidence that it happened, so it would be my word against his. I feel as if all my friends have moved on and got married, started families, etc. and I'm still single and living at home (I can't afford to move out and although I have tried to live independently before, it all got too much because of all the problems I have and I ended up back at home). I would love to get married and have a family of my own, but I'm scared of men. I'm having counselling to deal with the rape, which is helping, but I still suffer from nightmares and flashbacks and I get frustrated by the fact that my rapist has got away with what he did.

    If I'm honest, I don't really want to die, but I feel that my life is just one nightmare after another and I'm tired of it. I don't have anything to live for - no partner, children or close friends and although my family are quite supportive, I think they are getting fed up with me. My mum just tells me to make an effort or go to the doctors for antidepressants, but I don't like taking them, as I've had some serious problems with them in the past and they made me very ill. I just don't see the point in carrying on sometimes, as I don't feel things will improve. I have days when I feel ok, but they are few and far between. Suicide seems drastic, but I just can't see a future for myself and I don't want to live like this any more.

    I just wanted to share and get things out of my system. Any advice appreciated - thanks :)
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Sunflower17. Welcome to the forum. Like I say to others, you have poured out your emotions in your first post.

    Yes, life has been hard for you but have achieved a lot despite the issues and traumas you have experienced. You need to keep focused and finish off your studies. The sense of completing that will help and occupy your mind.

    In terms of the trauma, (remember that I'm not qualified to give advice) that's just extra unnecessary stress which you suffer. You just remember it was not your fault and no need to take blame for this. You say, there is no evidence for this but have you tried reporting it to the authorities about this. At the moment, you trust no person at all and possibly lost faith in human kindness. Just because one person had caused pain, does not mean everyone is the same. Yes, you are suffering about the trauma you experienced but with time and support you will get through it. It's hard but keep seeing the counsellor who will support you through tough period of life.

    You just need to believe in yourself, let the people who care support you and do not be afraid to ask for help. Yes, people get tired of life but remember we have one life and must make the most of it. You should be proud of yourself with what you have achieved so far, so do not let this one experience affect your life.

    You seem a nice person who has a lot of qualities to offer to society. I hope this posts helps and take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2014
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