I’ve suffered from depression since I was little, but it was only properly diagnosed and treated when I was 18. I’ve always had thoughts of suicide, especially when I am at a particularly low point. I tried the pill thing once in high school, but it just put me in the hospital with a tube down my nose for several days. I have been on antidepressants since I was 18. Currently, I am on Lexapro 20 mg. Past scripts have included Luvox, Wellbutrin, Celexa (which caused vertigo), and Cymbalta (which made me sweat like a pig and then it pooped out). I also take Xanax as needed, which has been a lot lately, as it stops me from crying. I am introverted and do not make friends easily. I have lived in my current location for nearly two years. (I moved here for work, not because it was somewhere I wanted to live.) In the time I have lived here, three of the people I hung out with left, meaning that two remain. I have become friendly with people here but not friends per se. Ultimately, I do not have much of a support system… well, none really. My family lives in another city, and most of my close friends are everywhere else, including overseas. (Family and friends are very aware that I suffer from depression. My parents don’t really know how to deal with my lows. I only feel comfortable unloading on friends to a certain extent, but the distance makes it difficult to really do so anyway.) Over the years, I have found people to be big letdowns. I am loath to depend on others for much. Perhaps my expectations are too high even though I try to keep them low. Right now I live a very isolated existence. Not only for the above reasons but because I work from home. Until recently, I had a job I hated. (The job originally involved me consulting at a company – I was an island among the teams – and then later working from home for mentally unstable hack.) I was laid off and decided to use it as an opportunity to work for myself, something I had wanted to do for a while. After having two amazing but short-lived jobs, I didn’t want to have to look for another job that would make me dread getting up in the morning. Though my initial prospects seemed good, one project after another has fallen through. Work has always been my solace, my way to concentrate on something to avoid the thoughts in my head… to avoid life, maybe. Now all I think about is the lack of work and sliding deeper into my thoughts. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live. I don’t know that I want to live. I have a difficult time imagining things too far in the future because things just never pan out. Forward thinking just doesn’t seem to be worth my while, unless I want to set myself up for more inevitable disappointment. I think about suicide quite often. I don’t obsess over it, but it’s hard not to think about. My eureka moment today was a few <edit moderator total eclipse methods> Will I follow through? Who knows… I am just at a point that I want to get better if I can but I don’t know how to do it. Has anyone tried ECT? Will that help? I am not a big fan of psychotherapy. I constantly think about things, analyze my actions, consider my options, etc. I don’t know that doing it aloud with someone else will bring me progress. It hasn’t in the past. I am just at the end of my rope, and I can’t live like this any longer.