tired of living

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Stormrider, Jan 26, 2011.

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  1. Stormrider

    Stormrider Well-Known Member

    I joined this site a while ago, while in a sad mood i think it was around new year or around my birthday, not sure (yes i generally hate holidays). Been visiting the site a few times but never said something myself cause i know it doesn't change anything, but now i just want to put down my feelings somewhere(or start hitting the wall or my table).

    i'm 28 i only have a few friends, they're great friends but they are all living together, having kids, (living the lovely life that everyone should be able to have) so i only see them a few times a month.
    they don't go out anymore, so i don't go anywhere either cause i just hate going out alone, i don't connect to people i don't know, if i go to a bar or whatever alone i just drink a beer or two and go home cause i don't feel like talking to people i don't know at all, the fact that i have psoriasis(skin condition) doesn't help at all not only does it make me affraid to show my legs or arms, at times it really causes pain too(also the reason why i had to give up doing sports).
    So most of my life exists of watching tv, dvd's playing some computer games and working full time.Just a lonely pathetic life.

    Never had a lot of experience with woman either, a few very short relations several years ago, just don't have the luck to meet someone it seems

    Sleeping is also a disaster to me if i try to sleep i always think about all this stuff and get mad about it and can't get to sleep, this results in going to work everyday with ony about 2 hours sleep every night untill i can sleep more in the weekend when i don't have to get up in the morning.

    people around me at work etc know i sleep bad(can't really hide that night after night after night), but i always tell them i just sleep bad i don't know why.

    So basically i just hate my life, i've been waiting for it to be better but after all these years i am really starting to give up.

    Do i want to die? yes if i'd knew i'd die tonight in some accident or whatever i couldn't care less, my life is useless and meaningless.
    Everyday i think to myself i'd rather die not just last couple of days or weeks, but really for years.
    I know a doctor, psychiatrist or whatever would say i'm depressed, i guess i am but i'm not crazy i know pills or therapy or whatever won't help and i still function, im always there if the few friends i have ask for some help and i'm always getting everything done at my work.

    i just feel sad and lonely all the time day and night, the pain from my skin condition is just an extra thorn in my side.

    Would i kill myself? i've been thinking about that alot for a long time, and that scares myself.
    It's just because i've been feeling like this for a very long time that i don't see myself doing it, maybe i'm affraid of the pain it will cause or that i'm going screw it up and end up waking in a hospital with my legs not working or something like that
    or i just still have some (false) hope somewhere that things still can work out for me to find a happy life

    one thing i've read somewhere on the net was " everyday you don't kill yourself is a day you've won from your depression" something like that, i know it's a bit lame but i kinda like it.

    Can't really imagine anyone reading this crap but at least i've finally written down how i feel, i never talk to anyone about it cause i know it doesn't change a damn thing, to other people i'm just someone that almost never sleeps enough and gets angry and agitated quickly
  2. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    Majority of the problem seems to point to loneliness and that you need a girlfriend, just like I do. I used to cry about being lonely not having a girlfriend, so I stopped caring, then 3 years passed and its come back to haunt me. How can someone live with nothing to look forward to-no one to come home to, no one to go out with?

    Have you tried dating websites for starters? I recommend www.okcupid.com

    Okcupid is probably one of the better and more reliable dating website. I've not made any progress, but, at least i'm out there and there are probably new registrants every day. One day, maybe something magical happens.

    Writing down your feelings is better than keeping it all bottled up. Your skin condition... is there no medication for it? I had a skin condition on my hands throughout junior high and high school years. My dry hands would peel and crack. When I rubbed my hands together i can create snow, it was amusing but also disgusting to say the least. The doctors didn't know what the f* it was, but it went away when I soaked my hands in some chinese medicine.
  3. Stormrider

    Stormrider Well-Known Member

    Don't really believe in online dating, i have been thinking about it but it wouldn't work for me. i'd be constantly thinking that if i'd meet someone online they'd be still chatting to who knows while they're in a relationship, i know it's dumb but i'd bug me.

    There are things that help my skincondition but only for a few months then it comes back, and i can do it only once a year, stronger medication can be used but i'd be risking my health; liver, kidneys and some other organs and i don't want to take that risk if it would go bad i would even feel worse.
    I've tried some Homeopathic herbalistic stuff a few years ago but it costed me a bit too much then i liked and in the end it didn't help and it wasn't covered by my Health insurance so i don't try stuff like that anymore
  4. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    hmm, you should work on your paranoia. If you won't try online dating, how'd you hook up with anyone? Mutual friends? Workplace dating?
  5. Stormrider

    Stormrider Well-Known Member

    One thing i've learned from life is not to trust everyone you know, if that means that i'm paranoid then so be it.
    Dating alone isn't even the problem, i should have a more social life but i just don't seem to get that done, i've tried but i guess people just don't like me.
    If that is because of the way i am, then that means i'm f*** :wallbash:
  6. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    trust has to start somehwere.. you will find those that are trustworthy and those that are not, such is life :/
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