tired of my life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ild, Aug 30, 2015.

  1. ild

    ild New Member

    At first I guess I should start with a little apology - my English could be pretty bad at moments. It's totally not my native language and I'm used to expressing me with my words (mostly in my thoughts or in some letters I've never shown to anybody) so I don't know how this is going to look for you.

    Yeah... So.. All my life I've been very lonely. When I think about it now I guess it's maybe because I have a history of sexual abuse when I was a little kid and I've never actually told about it to anyone - because it's complicated and I know that my family would be very hurt to find about that and they would blame themselves to eternity and back for not noticing it and for me needing to deal with that on my own for all my life. I thought I was dealing with it quite well, but last 2 years shows that maybe I wasn't doing it that so well though. It's like a feeling that everything's been piling up and now it's just too much to bear and I'm totally breaking apart under it. I've never actually written or told anything about me to anyone, but now I just can't sit in the room alone with my thoughts and I can't be that evil to push them to my family too. So I'm using this forum, which I found recently. I don't know what to do, but maybe letting something of this out may help a bit. At least with the pressure inside me so I can continue surviving day after day as I've done before. So yeah.. my story and my pain..

    I was a nice, sweet kid and quite easy to communicate with, but I had better contact with adults or smaller kids not my age. So basically nobody ever saw a problem with me and thought that I was maybe too serious sometimes, but generally happy and cheerful (because, yes, I can laugh a lot and half of time I'm faking it so good that I almost believe it myself). At school I somehow made it look that I have friends - I seemed always busy, always doing something. Don't know how exactly I achieved that because I really didn't had any friends and I was all alone most of the time. Like always. For some time I buried myself in books. I really didn't find any connection with other people as I wasn't interested in shallow and ordinary things like food, cosmetics, boys (I'm a girl, yes), break ups and all other stuff they all were talking about.
    With the time I started to make some basic friendships with some kids at school. So..you know.. I can mention their names in a chit-chat with my family members, so they know that I have friends. Because, yeah, my family are my grandparents and they are amazingly sweet and caring and I really didn't want to upset them by knowing that I'm all alone. So yeah, I had some "friends", but I never got really connected to them. We were just..talking. About stuff. Nothing really from soul. Just ordinary things.
    In the beginning of high school I had a boyfriend. It was sort of great, I felt really happy with him and we were 2 alone against the world. Not really against it, but we were just two of us all the time. We were together for several years, but then we just..run out of love I guess and we broke up. It was quite bad, but more because I was used to his company and 90% of my life had him in it and it was more like a big emptiness in everyday actions and stuff like that not the feeling of lost love.
    Then I started studying in university and I had some friends (the names I mentioned for my family so they know that I"m not alone) from school but no one in university. No one of my schoolmates went to the same faculty, so everybody were so new and I was all alone there. I don't know but I survived though it with one girl I started talking to in the first year. We weren't anyhow close friends, we were just friends - we talked, helped with assignments and stuff like that.
    Then I finished university and went to different university to study something very different. And here were totally different situation. I met friends in the first week of university. And we were talking all the time. Particulary with one guy. We were talking and talking and talking. messages from waking up till going asleep.nothing really serious (sometimes we had also serious conversations), but randomly nice continuous communication about everything and nothing. I actually felt like for the first time of my life I have a friend. And it felt great. And we spent every second of our university time together. For almost 2 years it felt like the best years of my life. And then we came across the idea that we like each other more than just friends... That was the biggest mistake I've ever done in my life. Maybe it was all my fault, because I really wanted to be, you know, totally happy. Because what could be better than having a best friend and being able to hug him and feel his arms around me when I go to sleep and see him when I wake up..?
    Yeah...it was the worst thing.. He has some demons, I can't really well deal with mine and so.. we were together but we lost our friendship, because I don't know why..but we were better at communicating before than after we started to be a couple.. and now he went away for whole summer and we just broke up. because, yes, being together wasn't really that great and we both saw that.
    But now I'm more lonely than I ever was in my life. Because university starts after 2 days and for 2 years university was associated with him - we automatically did all assignments together, we always chose other to be the partner in whatever assignment we were given, we just spent all the time together. And now.. there's just nothing.
    I know that I had this feeling of "nothing" all my life, I have survived all my school years and first university with this feeling, listening to music all the time and burying my nose in computer or books to not to seem that lonely as I've always been, but... it's unthinkably hard to think that after 2 so wonderful years this is coming back. and coming back in much harder way than I've ever imagined. because I've lost not only my lover but also my only friend.

    Now when I've written all this it seems a bit silly because people have more serious problems, but for me... I just don't know how can I deal with that amount of loneliness and sadness which is eating me right now.
  2. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Can we be friends? :)
  3. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    I'm confident you will meet new people. happened to me too, 1st year i was always with that girl and when she left i felt incredibly lonely. Once classes started again i found new people to sit and chat with. I stayed relatively lonely but it got better with time.

    After college you will meet new people at work and stuff. Don't give up.
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I think that people get mixed up between "it will get better" and "its not that bad". Just because something will get better - and the fact that we know it will get better - doesn't make it not feel absolutely awful at the time that it is raw and painful and horrible. It isn't a small problem to feel alone and to have a huge hole in your life where there used to be someone important - not small and not stupid.

    I wish I had something magic to tell you - I know that you 'know' anything I am going to say - and that it doesn't change how you feel. But I am going to say it anyway. Being at uni means that there are lots and lots of people to talk to and to be friends with - you have to put yourself out there a bit which can be scary, but it is possible and you have done it before. The truth is that to feel better you need to fill the 'hole' and the way to do that is to get as busy as you possibly can. Talk to people whenever you can, accept invitations, go to events. If you have group or partnered assignments, ask the people/person you are with if they want to get coffee or see a movie after you are done studying etc. Friendship does happen - just not 'on its own' - it takes effort.

    It is possible to retrieve a friendship. One of my best friends in real life is a guy I was 'with' for three years. It ended painfully and messily and it was awkward as hell for a while, but now we are good friends.

    If you get really stuck for company in the meantime, pop into chat. We are friendly people :)