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Tired of myself and my excuses...

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Day after day, I do the same thing. Month after month. And year after year. Time just slips away and I don't seem to notice because I've got my nose in the dirt. I try to shoot for something, but I'm an impulsive sort. My interests jump from one thing to another in several month increments. It's true that I return to previous interests, but something is always changed or lost. So if I assert myself to try to finish something, I always inevitably have my interest drawn to something else and I am torn away from whatever I was doing and brought to something new. And thus nothing of value ever amounts from it all. I'm like a man that gets to the bathroom and midway down to the toilet gets up and goes to wash his hands, but midway to washing his hands he goes to the towel. You're right, he never finishes wiping his hands because just at that moment he goes to the door for the kitchen to eat a meal. He never finishes his meal. That's how he lives his life. That person is me. I hate myself. I don't have any structure. I can't seem to force the discipline I need to get things done. I am a victim of my own careless self. I am drunk but without the bottle. An aimless idiot that can't build a foundation for his life.

I don't want to die. Even if I did want to, I'd change my mind just in time. It's a horrible joke.

I'm everything I don't want to be. I can't even be myself in forums most of the time. I pretend I'm someone else. You can't even call it trolling because half of me believes it and the other doesn't care one way or another. Away from the computer I stumble just to do basic tasks and when I talk to people I talk around them and am too evasive to strike it good. I fight to be myself, while when I'm alone I hate everything about me. I feel good when I do things right, sure, but just when things start looking good I change my mind and do something else and then abandon whatever success I might have had and henceforth live with regret. I don't know how the $$$!!$^^ to get my gears spinning, I don't even think I got any. If others got pulleys and levers, I got gum and matchsticks. While their's spin and work in concert, mine tear the whole assembly apart and it's just a big mess of broken things that I helplessly stare at.

Most people like to think they could help me. Tell me to think positive. But that's impossible. I don't think positive. I think critically. If I see something that works, I immediately open it up and break it. If I get advice, I turn it around back at the giver and throw it in their face. I am an unforgiving self-absorbed deadbeat. They could grind my bones and flesh and line the floors of walmart and I'd serve more purpose than I have so far in my life. I don't get along with people and always say the wrong things too.

I know you're thinking that -you- can help me. You know who I am. I'm conceited and do not listen to what input others have. I just go with it, whatever wherever. I'm a dumb brick wall. I don't deserve your help. You're right!!! Everyone is right. That's what has proven to me that I really am a catastrophe in the making. Only thing kept me up is good fortune and stubbornness. The rest of me is bad news.
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