tired of not improving

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by gaynut, Jan 27, 2011.

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  1. gaynut

    gaynut New Member

    I'm new here and am looking to try to find a few new support mechanisms for myself as I have just been getting worse for a few years... not sure what to expect, but here's my story (I know it turned out to be longer then I meant to write, but thats how it is I guess):

    I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I know my family and teachers told me that prior to 5th grade, I was always very outgoing, trying to make friends and talk to everybody, interested in everything... and nobody could figure out why everyone was rejecting me, they always just told me it was because I was the youngest in my class. I don't have much memory of that anymore, my first memories are really 5th grade when I had a friend who lived next to me... he was a cool kid, didn't seem to like me too much but we were neighbors and he tried introducing me to people and let me hang out, since it was convenient. His brother and my brother got into a fist fight and our friendship was ruined, forever. We never spoke again. Well, I didn't have any real conversation with anyone for the next 7 years. Never went over to a friends house or had anyone over, I was just isolated. Outside of school where kids made fun of me and teachers seemed to think I was a good student, I only talked to my family. I tried getting involved in clubs, volunteering, etc, and it was all the same.

    During this time I started seeking refuge on the computer, learned a lot about them, started a few websites which became very successful, and while I was on the bottom of the world and extremely depressed in real life, my internet life was great. I owned a few of the largest forums on the internet at the time, and all the members sucked up to me, and I was only in 8th grade. I still kept trying in real life, but it wasn't working, but after school I'd run home to the computer to my virtual world, and while I was still depressed, I was able to deal with it, staying up late into the night addicted to the computer, making websites, etc. Around 9th grade, my parents were tired of my grades slipping (I didn't care to do hw since school was just miserable and thinking of it made me cry), and I was the disappointment of my family. My brother was #1 in the school... ever, never a B and taking courses at a younger age and at college, more then anyone else has ever done, so my family was extremely disappointed in me. They installed deadbolts on the doors to the computer room and wouldn't allow me to touch it for weeks at a time, only letting me use it for an hour or two if I got good grades. I had nothing else. I still couldn't make friends, and I spent every day after school crying and contemplating suicide. My parents caught me one day trying... and I started seeing a psychologist every week, and my parents would interrogate both him and me every week after to see if I'm improving. I eventually convinced them to give up... and just went back to what I was doing previously... crying in my room every night for another year. They made another attempt, this time the once a week was combined with another once a week group therapy group... where I was the only member and there was 3 psychologists. So I had an hour a week with just me, and an hour with 1 psych, and another hour group of me and 3 psychs... after another 6 months or so went by, they determined I needed "services beyond what the center offered" and my parents and myself didn't want to do that. BTW my parents and family also have no social skills at all, they are against friends and stuff.

    This continued until my senior year of high school... Then, finally, something happened. This cool kid wanted to show off his cool ringtone. A lot of people either didn't have their phones or didn't want to call in class, but I didn't care, so he gave me his number and I called it in class. A few weeks go by, and I miss a few days of school right before a field trip. We were supposed to meet at the site of the field trip but I didn't know where it was. Calling the school, they had no idea where it was. I couldn't figure out where it was, and I looked at my phone, and I had this one other phone number in there in my dialed calls list from months earlier, when I called the kid so everyone could hear his ringtone. I called that number again, he answered, and told go with him. I was excited, picked him up, and he knew how socially awkward I was at this point, but he tried to help. He tried to make me less awkward and invited me to other things and introduced me to his friends (none of which who liked me), but he hung out with me quite a few times.

    It reached a busier point in the semester, and he was too busy to hang out with me when I called, but he was also upset since his tutor didn't show up. I said I'd tutor him. And he didn't want me to, but reluctantly agreed. The tutoring turned out to be more of me doing his homework. He let me "tutor" him a few more times, and again, it was me doing the majority of the stuff, me having to write everything and I thought he was just acting stupid to get me to do his work, since he seemed really smart and very knowledgeable whenever I spoke to him, but he finally told me he had a learning disability and wasn't able to do much writing on his own. I became his tutor and we became best friends, spending tons and tons of time together. I finally felt happiness for the first time in my life, but when the school year ended, he left for the summer, and I was starting college while he still had another year of high school. He promised he'd come visit and talk to me everyday.

    He didn't have the money to visit, but he did spend countless hours on the phone with me, "hanging out", and some of the time tutoring over the phone as well. I made my schedule the next semester so I had 5 day weekends so I could go visit him more, and things were alright, although I had trouble making friends in college. He tried to help me with some of my personal problems, and I ended up basically trying to copy his "style" acting like him and copying his routine the best I could, which was fine, it fit me well. And it kind of worked, even though I wasn't as good as him at.. being him, I made a few friends. I'll probably talk about that later.

    Towards the end of the year, he came to visit me, and I got a really bad migraine. He tried to make me comfortable and I fell asleep very early. He fell asleep next to me, presumably later. We've had plenty of sleepovers at that point... but I woke up at 4am when he was sound asleep. I'm gay BTW. You can put that together... after a few seconds I realized how badly I just fucked up and cried myself back to sleep. He left the next day, presumably knowing. We didn't talk that week though. Or the next, until I was coming home to visit again. While I was with him, I started crying and told him what happened that night. He comforted me, told me some story that didn't really relate about him, and it was kind of okay, as long as I promised never to do anything like that again, he'd continue to treat me the same, but nothing better happen again. It was still tough for me... and a month or two later, I was helping him remotely on his computer, and he was having trouble opening certain photos. I asked which ones and he got distracted, so I looked on my own. He had a folder of.. inappropriate photos that I stumbled upon and took copies of. That was my second chance that was gone right there. After that, he lost all trust in me and won't do anything without a very watchful eye, or do anything in front of me that could possibly, in the slightest way, be sexual or show skin.

    I wasn't happy about that, and fell in love with him at this point, but life went on... well, I wasn't happy in general at this point. My happiness was gone after the first incident, and never returned, knowing I hurt the one person who helped me. Years went by, and he got a new gf that hated me and is very needy, and he was doing his best to split up his time between the two of us. I graduated college, and right when I graduated, he got into my college for graduate school and I went to start work in another city. We actually weren't far at this point.. but I was getting worse and worse, he spent less time helping me with my issues (which he didn't do as well as he didn't trust me with anything private anymore) as the time with his gf and the time with me tutoring him took up all his time. I got pretty depressed again, but to make him have more time for me, I tried to do other things to help him free up his time. I gave him money, did his hw without him, tried to help him with everything I could. I think he got fed up with all of it me being depressed and not getting better, but he kept taking from me. We were still friends, but it didn't help me anymore. All the hanging out had to be generic stuff or me telling him about stuff that he might like. His money was also tight, so he never wanted to spend money doing anything anymore.

    We're up to last year... I was afraid to visit him since I didn't want to drive there just to be depressed around him, plus I wanted my stays to be an extended weekend, and no matter what time length I chose, he seemed to not approve. I decided to give him some money and told him use it to come visit me a few times. He said he'd spend it on something we would do together. My birthday came around and he told me come visit him, he'd plan a weekend for me. I was reluctant as I was feeling pretty depressed, but I went, and I got pretty depressed the night I arrived. His gf was there, demanding attention, so I got none, and I was getting really bad. I drank too much that night and I guess discussed personal issues while drunk at a party... and he kicked me out the next morning, told me go home and let things cool off. We haven't spoke since and I'm almost at the point where I was before I met him.

    Nothing has helped. My other friends don't know how to comfort me, I can't get over him, psychologists, psychiatrists, medication, and everything I can think of hasn't worked after trying them for years. He's the only thing that makes me feel better, and I screwed that up. I have no idea where to turn now... Anyone have any advice for me?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow you have to let go of this guy okay he is with his gf now. You need to move on from that feeling you had for him. He is not available okay. Now you need to get involved maybe in new interest so you can meet someone new like you met him years ago. Putting yourself out there again is the only way to meet a new partner I hope you can do this okay isolation will get you no where. hugs
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